I cannot get over my ex

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1

I’m a highschool student and I’m in a very Asian oriented family. My parents would tell me that I should date after University but I chose not to trust them. That’s because I met this one girl. It wasn’t anything special at first(our school got the same class from y7 to graduation), it wasn’t love at first sight. But I’m not sure when but I started to develop feelings for her. Our story was like the best friend to lovers romantic drama so I’ll skip all the uncessary parts in between. I really liked her. At first she rejected me and I got really sad, but then she changed her mind because she said she realised that she actually likes me too.

The first year was almost perfect. We barely fought as we knew each other so well from before already, we loved each other so much that we gave up all our time with our friends and talked about everything with each other. It got even more lovely as we got more intimate in THAT way. I couldn’t get out of it, like hugging her and kissing her was the only thing I looked forward to at school. She was also very physical in her love expressions and we were both living the happiest times.

Enough of the happy back story. The topic already shows that we broke up already. There has been many issues within our relationship, from the start. But i guess we were both too blinded by our hormones. She did things that I specifcally said not to do such as adding her ex on a social platform and I found out that she did, her explanation was “it was impulsive”, and I guess I still remember that today shows that I still hold a grudge against it. But of course, the same goes with me I’ve also done things such as hanging out with her best friend( but we were best friends before but I now realised how sad I would be if I was her). Many things occured after, it got more and more toxic but I’ll spare the long story for u guys.

It has been 5 months after the break up. She probably moved on very fast. I don’t actually know why I cannot move on. These are the list of the things I have done:

  1. Switch schools
  2. Cut contact and blocked on all social medias
  3. Deleted all the photos
  4. Ranted to my friends
  5. Made new friends

No one believed me when I said I still was not over her, but we did have an almost 2 year relationship and she took all my first times(kiss, hug, relationship and more “intimate moments” and “physical closeness”). I have to be hoenst it got better at some degree, the first month I was in clinical depression. I can’t get over the memories, we hung out too much and she took up such a big portion of my life, we say love you everything, we comforts me when I’m down, she stays with me when I do work, when I’m stressed, basically everything. I’m not longer dependent in a sense but also dependent. I can’t even tell the difference if I’m in “in the mood” all the time when it comes to her or I genuinely miss her or are the memories just too good. It’s a bunch of complex emotion as a teenager and I can’t handle it every night. It fluctuates so bad too, my relapse can be very very bad. And I have to admit, even though I did block her, I still go check on her socials when I miss her because idk, do I like her too much? Or am I just physically attracted still. She is not the prettiest but idk why I like her, I’m confused, I’m confused why I still cannot move on. I know she treated me badly at the end and she’s not the same anymore but part of me keeps thinking"what if i acted differently" because I also treated her bad at some stages. I was convinced we were amde for each other, I was picturing our wedding adn I even bought her (a okay but like not THAT expensive, as I’m still a student) a ring, but she got more dry and dry, and even her best friend told me she started losing feelings months before the break up. I am in denial. If you ask me right now, I will admit I still like her. I still want her. But is this truly love? and how long is this going to last because I really really want to move on. Please help me and provide guidance, all my friends have given up on me and I have no one else to talk about this as some parts are a bit sensitive such as all the “explicit” stuff I mentioned and all the whinings.

2

Hi, User 1448,

I am trying to imagine how you live through last 5months in anguish. The pain your are experiencing must be so intense that you had clinical depression in the 1st month, and had relapse(s?) subsequently. You applied various methods(5 as described) to try to forget about her but none of them helped. Memories of her (and the things you did together) kept surfacing in mind. The more you try not to think, the more memories hit like a series of flashbacks.

I can sense that you are feeling alone and need help. As this is a text chat, information sharing is slow and may not be clear, the following are some possible options that I think can help.

See a professional - You mentioned that you have clinical depression and had relapse. Did you seen a psychiatrist and got a diagnosis ? Were you prescribed medication ? As you are going through intense emotions (of low mood) and likely to be overwhelmed (having mixture of feelings that you probably can’t even differentiate them) most of the time, you probably need real time help. Thus talking with a professional to make sure you are safe and can carry on with your daily life as normal is important.

  1. One of the symptoms of clinical depression is you have difficulty to experience good feeling, and your recent loss may cause you to spiral emotionally even more. Moreover, ruminating over the past memories (another common symptom of depression) would remind you of your pain and may intensified the grief. To overcome these symptoms by yourself might be challenging. If you are unable to see a psychiatrist now, are you able to talk with your school counsellor about what you are experiencing ? This might help you to feel better, and school counsellor likely will direct you to more help as they are with you in-person.

  2. Do you usually engage in any exercise ?Meanwhile before you may get to see a professional, you can try to do some exercise like brisk walking outdoor in the park or neighbourhood. I suggest brisk walking because it is the easiest to carry out at this moment. Exercise can produce pain-relieved chemicals in the brain, and sometimes it can help you feel not so painful.

  3. Deep breathing exercise - here is a link to practice mindfulness deep breathing. https://mindline.sg/youth/resource-group/health-and-wellness/resource-sub-group/self-care?wysa-tool-id=learn_mindfulness.
    Deep breathing can help you to lower your heart beat (which likely you may experience fast heartbeat and heavy breathing at times). Being able to lower the heartbeat will definitely make you feel calmer.

Hope this sharing is helpful. Take care !