I can't deal with this anymore

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
,
1

certain things have been happening at home (a little too long to elaborate) and i feel like everyone hates me… especially my family… and my suicidal thoughts are getting absolutely unbearable but at the same time i find it weirdly impossible to tell whether i would actually do something…

i have had pretty long term suicidal ideation so when i told the social worker working w me i feel i wasn’t taken too seriously? probably because of how constant it is… but this time it feels different and i dont know how to communicate that without getting hospitalised

and he told me he thinks my threshold for these thoughts is increasing but i dont feel
like it is… or the thoughts are getting worse i don’t know…

i don’t feel like i will 100% do something so i don’t want to go to the emergency room (and its already been four hospitalisations this year im quite sick of it) but i also don’t feel 100% confident that i won’t? part of me is scared of that but part of me desperately wants to be free of all this

as irrational at is it my mind keeps bugging me that the professionals aren’t taking me seriously because they hate me too or they’re tired of me… which is making the whole loop worse sigh

im really tired and sad and scared but i don’t know what to do… im seeing my doctor next week and i’m hoping he can help but i don’t know how to communicate this to him and i don’t know what he can do either… all i really just want is someone i can talk about everything to or cry about everything to and that’s just not an option.. i can’t talk to
my friends or anything…

so should i just accept that there’s nothing that can be done? i’ve spent years fighting against these thoughts and i’m starting to feel like maybe they’re there because they’re meant to be and i’m not meant to exist…

i’m so exhausted and bitter and lost and i feel so worthless.. i hate myself more than anything and i hate myself for begging for attention like this… i just want to have a break from being sad for five seconds…

could i please get some advice :frowning: thank you

2

Dear @crabs

I am glad you reached out for help. It is clear to me that you have been going through a lot in your life and you are currently experiencing fear, sadness and loneliness. Please know that you are not viewed as “begging for attention” by talking about this openly. I believe instead that writing in suggests you are resolute in getting out of the low point in your life. To me, I see that is a step which takes strength and determination. Well done.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your suicidal thoughts are feeling more intense and more urgent than before. Please bring up to your doctor and social worker as these thoughts are important enough to take seriously.

Please consider the following with some urgency especially when you feel alone and suicidal thoughts are ringing loud:

-Call Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767, or use their 24/7 text-based support through CareText (WhatsApp 9151 1767) or the national mindline at 1771.

-Keep the safety plan which you have developed with your social worker and doctor close by and follow the steps outlined in the plan when you feel you are in danger.

-Communicate with your doctor openly and honestly so that he can accurately diagnose, care and treat you. I agree that it can feel scary to be open if you’re afraid of being hospitalised, but you can phrase it like this:
‘I don’t feel 100% that I’d act on my thoughts, but I also don’t feel 100% safe that I wouldn’t. I need help managing this middle space.’ This informs your doctor exactly what you wrote here which is that you are in a gray, dangerous area, and need extra care and support.

-With your social worker, please also tell her that there is a change in intensity and that you have been having more intense suicidal ideation.

-Do consider writing down or type out your thoughts instead of holding them in. It can ease some of the mental pressure. It will also helpful when you meet your doctor and social worker.

I know you’re very tired of fighting, and that makes sense after years of this. But the fact that you’re still reaching out, tells me that a part of you still wants to fight on and overcome this. That part matters.

Please remember to reach out here whenever needed. Things can improve with tiny positive changes. There are steps, and there people who will listen, including your doctor next week, and crisis services anytime you feel unsafe. Please tap on these resources, too. You matter and people care. :yellow_heart:

1 Like
3

hi @CaringBee , thank you for your support :")

i think my issue is that if i try to tell anyone like the hotlines people who don’t know me tell me to go straight to the emergency room because they don’t realise how long term it is… but the people who do know me don’t take me seriously at all

like logically im fine and should be able to manage it but there was a semi close call which is kind of scaring me… i am really trying but it’s just not working…

i already told my social worker and she didn’t really take it that seriously… won’t be seeing her for a while anyway… i guess i can try telling my doctor but honestly there’s nothing he can do except the hospital anyway :sob::sob::sob: i just started my new semester of school if i go to the hospital things will get difficult and if im going to live id like to be able to get through school without difficulty

i don’t know im just really stressed and scared but there’s no solution is there :") is this the point i give up hope because honestly there obviously isnt any

1 Like
4

Hi @crabs, thanks for writing in again.

Like @CaringBee had mentioned, it is important to seek help if you have strong suicidal ideations, as the main priority is your safety.

While I understand that it may be scary to be hospitalised, a doctor’s decision to place you in a hospital ward may be deemed necessary to protect you, both physically and mentally. So it’s important to respect the doctor’s decision as they are putting your safety as their priority.

However, it’s important to also understand that a doctor’s decision also depends on the information you provide them, so I do encourage you to be open and truthful about the type of help / support that you need.

The same principle goes for hotlines - giving them a call does not always mean that you have to be hospitalised; but you can always reach out to them for support if you are feeling sad, stressed, or anxious.

As always, these helplines are available 24/7. I would strongly encourage you to reach out to these resources if you are in crisis:

Samaritans of Singapore: +65 9151 1767 (WhatsApp)

National Mindline: +65 6669 1771 (WhatsApp)

Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline

1 Like
5

Hey @crabs

Thanks for sharing and opening up your thoughts on Let’s Talk :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:.

It must be really tough for you, to think that people do not take you seriously when you have such thoughts about suicide :melting_face:. That must hurt a lot, knowing that your close friends/family think it isn’t serious and your social worker tells you that you are improving but you do not feel like it. From someone who has read up on social work knowledge before, it seems to me that the social worker is just trying to movitate you and help you see that you are slowly making improvement over time and doesn’t want to discourage you and make you think that you are not improving at all when you already are. However, I also understand that you may not feel this way and it may be a good idea to bring it up to her and let her know how you really feel. I think that would help her support you better and help you feel that you are being heard :blush:.

I hear that if you are to go to the hospital during school, things will definitely be affected academically and you do not want that to happen. I encourage that you also bring this up to your social worker and let her know your honest opinions about it so she knows how to bring you the right support you need :smiling_face_with_tear:. I am hearing that you are finding this all really difficult but I just want to say thank you for even trying, for not giving up. A lot ofp people would have given up at this point but thank you for fighting, for staying on :growing_heart:. Come back anytime u need!

2 Likes
6

Dear @crabs

Thank you for sharing this, I can see how clear you are in identifying the issues before you. On the one hand, when you reach out to someone who does not know your background, once you share your situation, your case gets escalated quickly and they are likely to refer you to the emergency room. They prescribe hospitalisation because they want to ensure your safety.
On the other hand, when you tell those already familiar with your background, you feel they do not to take you seriously and downplay your pain and hurt.
From your sharing, I sense that both approaches are invalidating and do not meet your needs.

I believe what you need is for your doctor and social worker to understand you deeper, for them to sit with you through the discomfort, understand that something has shifted and help you process what you are experiencing at a deeper level. You also want them to understand how important school is to you and that you wish to minimise disrupting it. But until now, you don’t feel understood and this makes you feel the situation is hopeless.

May I suggest you meet your doctor and social worker and explain to them that you are seeking ways to better manage the shift in your mental health effectively but in ways school is not affected. Acknowledge their good intentions of ensuring your safety. Request them to jointly work out alternative ways to help you to better hear and support you.

When you mentioned about the close call you had, it suggests that there is a part of you that wants to live better.

While your doctor might not be able to solve everything immediately, but it could still help to tell him honestly that you are scared because you had a close call, and you need help that isn’t hospitalisation. I think putting it across directly may help him view your situation seriously but without choosing extreme solutions like hospitalisation.

May I also gently challenge that thought you had which is that there’s “no solution” and this is the point to give up hope. The very fact that you wrote in, reached out here, that you’re worried about how to get through school, suggests to me there in fact is a lot of hope and determination in you. I laud your drive to keep moving forward even if it’s a tiny step and despite the pain you are in.

While you wait to see your doctor, do consider using the chat offered by the Samaritans of Singapore reachable via WhatsApp (9151 1767). I have experienced that sometimes chatting through text could feel less pressurising. You can text them that you are safe now, but feeling overwhelmed and need someone to talk to non judgmentally and without overreacting. Texting may give better control as you can respond at your own pace.

You deserve to be taken seriously, supported and heard. While finding the right space, please continue reaching out here. You’re not alone in this. :yellow_heart:

1 Like