I fear I’m loosing control

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1

Good evening,

The purpose of this is that I am scared of myself and if I loose myself at least there’s pieces of sanity as evidence. I have been living with chronic suicidality for a long time, but it never tuned this corner (or so I hope) and I’m starting to recognise I’m a danger to others.

I feel like an empty carcass of a man floating in the room. Fulfilling obligations unsatisfactorily, never really resting, waking in an essentially unconscious state. There’s no more pain only numbness. Nothing neither the good or bad brings feeling anymore, the ends I go to in search for that brings barely an inkling of a touch. I have tried I have failed. My choice can’t even be respected, can’t even follow through. Fate always keeps me here against my will. To maintain my agency the mental plan haunting every waking moments scares me. To take the call out of my hands, to hurt man so vilely that nothing will be to my defence.

The fact that I am still alive feels like a failure of the system, and it has compounded my shame and sense of being trapped. I don’t want it to come to this I don’t want to do it - the rational part off me objects, but the other spectrum just gets louder by the day as I trudge through this life. Forcing a smile a laugh, to appear all fine. Every altercation I get into I reach the brink of collapse.

I am terrified I will lose control. My downfall feels like it will come from a place of insanity, not choice. I’m losing my grip so completely. The potential impact of my actions on others is what is forcing me to break my silence now. I cannot risk that happening. It’s not that I care but I won’t wish this on my worst enemy. Or so I believe in this moment of soundness.

I feel like my mind is a system that has exceeded its bandwidth. The open door, which once felt like a controlled option, now feels like a cliff I am about to fall from. I don’t want to pause but I know for the better of those around me I have to change my direction.

This concludes without a point. An abstract rant wasting the time of one who is attempting to help others. I fear the vulnerability of this. I’m still accessing my own situation lucidly. Playing with my balance. I don’t want to send this out. But I need help. Yet I don’t want help. In getting help I’ll loose the last bits of control I have left over my life.

Thank you for your time

2

Dear @user138833

Thank you for opening up about the deep pain you are experiencing. I am glad you reached out. Please do not bear all this alone anymore.

I can feel how frightened you are of yourself right now. You also sound severely exhausted, overwhelmed and numb. What you have described tells me you are under a huge amount of strain. I think the fact that you’re aware of the risk to yourself and others, and that you’re speaking up before something happens, matters deeply. It signifies your sense of responsibility and an innate moral compass that is trying to protect life.

From a therapeutic perspective, when someone feels they may lose control or become a danger to themselves or others, that is a clear signal that immediate, external support is needed. I honestly believe this level of distress should not be carried alone.

May I strongly encourage you to reach out to Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767 which operates 24/7 and manned by caring and experienced counsellors.

If at any point you feel you might act on thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, please call emergency services (995) or go to the nearest A&E immediately. This is about safety and care from r you and others.

You shared your worry that getting help means losing control.

May I gently suggest a reframe. I think you asking for help could in fact help preserve control by stabilising you.

Do take the first step to reach out for help soonest; you do not need to decide anything about your life or future today. The only task is to keep everyone safe and get support in this moment.

May I also assure that you are not wasting anyone’s time at all. You deserve help, and reaching out now is the most responsible thing you can do. Please contact SOS or emergency services as soon as you can.:yellow_heart: