I hate my mother in law!

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1

I just got married on February.

During the preparation, my husband had already prepared money to buy “si dian jin” for the wedding and told his mother to pick together at gold shop. But one day, his mother go on her own and buy design of her own choice and come back to ask his son to pay. I asked by husband, did she ask for my size? He said “no”, if no, how she know my size? He said he measure her own hand to buy. At this point, I was already angry because I feel it was not chosen for me, I feel disrespectful.

So during “guo da li”, I received necklace, bracelet, ring and earring. I was told by his mum, the earring I can’t wear because it’s an old earring worn by her before. So I was fine with that because I think is a kind of “passing down gold” from her generation.

One day, after our ROM, I feel like something is not right and I went to check on the “si dian jin” she gave me. The receipt only have bracelet. That’s weird. And then this came to my mind “Was it only the earring was old, or the necklace and ring was old too?” And I check on the condition. I was right. There’s scratches on the necklace and ring, green & white-like substances on the jewelry, which looks like handcream or something does not clean on time. It was used! My husband prepare the budget to buy for our wedding, she “clear stock” from her collections to give me these “bad condition” jewelry for our wedding!!!

I was really furious and I question my husband, if he know about this. He say his mother told him she bought bracelet, and other was from her collection where she bought to keep gold. I ask him, did you check? He say no I didn’t. I was disappointed. If this wedding thing is important, why you never check? And my mother in law, how can someone even have an idea to do something disgusting like this? On a sacred ceremony??? And she collect full amount (new gold price) from my husband.

I told my husband how I feel, how disrespectful and disappointed I’ve felt. He told me his mother didn’t know the gold is in bad condition and it’s not her intention.

He’s not on my side and still looking excuses for his mother despite the fact is there.
I returned his family the gold set, everything. My mother in law didn’t even say sorry, she sold the gold and give back the money to my husband. For them it’s already ended.

But for me and my family, it’s a humiliation. My mother cried when she know about this. She said she raised me so well, but this happened!

I hate my mother in law so much to the point even mentioning her name make me feels angry. Seeing things she bought make me feel disgust! For now it makes me hate his son and other family members too! I hate them so much!!

2

It seems like you are feelings a lot of different emotions. Hurt, disappointment, anger, and sadness. It can be quite painful, especially your mother in law done that to you. I also notice that you took active steps to talk to your husband. I am just wondering what would help you feel most supported by your husband to support you? Is it apology, validation, reassurance that he will handle things differently?

Most importantly, I want to acknowledge the situation of how you are feeling. You deserve to be love and care. I also can sense that you want to be love and care by your husband. For now, let focus on yourself. Is there anything you can help yourself to make yourself feel happier?

3

Hi, thank you for your reply.

Honestly, I don’t know. When my husband ask me, then? what do you want? I don’t know how to answer?

Maybe, I just need him to admit that his mother’s actions is wrong. I want him to acknowledge that is very wrong and it hurts me deeply.

I’m at actually okay most of the time, if this incident don’t cross my mind. When I remember this, I can feel there’s a fire in my chest and I get so angry like I want to destroy everything. I can’t focus on other thing, my mind keep repeating what had happened and it don’t makes me feel good.

I don’t know what I want and how to handle this.

4

Maybe, I just need him to admit that his mother’s actions is wrong. I want him to acknowledge that is very wrong and it hurts me deeply.

It is very valid for you to need your husband to admit the very basic truth that his mother did wrong you.. I actually do not like it for you that he has asked you what you want, because that is basically him indirectly saying that he inherently saw nothing wrong with what she did. You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. I think it is worth asking yourself if you can accept that your husband is most likely going to side with his mother over you, and has he already been doing that all this while?

5

I keep trying to tell him how wrong is his mother action and how it impact me. All the time I get from him was “it’s not her intention” ,“old people buy gold to keep”, “she didn’t know the gold condition is like this”, “the gold she bought from her friend before, she didn’t know”, “I feel bad too but I’m trying to fix”

But no action was taken from him, for me all these was just excuses. All these is just showing me how he still helping his mother despite it has greatly affect our relationship.

He said, it’s just a tradition, it’s not important. What important is you and me. For me, there’s no “you and me” anymore, is just you and your family vs me.

Everytime I talk about this gold thing, he ask me why I keep bringing this up, said it’s already over and I’m just bringing this up to look for a fight. Say I’m making problem.

I don’t know anymore. Am I the one creating problem? Should I not talk about this? But I feel really uncomfortable whenever I think about this.

6

This seem like it is the emotional wound that haven’t been fully healed. Sound like this incident had been affecting you greatly and you felt very disappointed with him.

What actions would you hope that he will take? I am just wondering if your husband say: “I understand why this hurt you. I should have paid more attention, and I’m sorry you felt alone in this” will it help? Sometimes, understandings what you need might help you to recover from emotional hurts.

Have you ever have any conflicts with him before? How have you handled in the past?

7

He actually said that, which is after so so so many times of me telling him how I felt and he ignore. He said that because I said I wanted to separate.
So it makes me feel too late and fake even if he said that. I don’t think it would works anymore.

We don’t really fight, usually only over small things. This is the first time something big happened and I feel like “so this is the real him, if anything happened he won’t stand by my side”

8

Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to talk about something so personal.

From the way how you describe, gold is not an issue. You are disappointed and you felt that he will stand with his mum again.

When we are hurt, our minds often try to protect us by turning one painful experience into a permanent conclusion.

The way you describe, it sounds like your husband still care about you as he might be afraid to lose u.

You also care about him, that why his words matter to you a lot. It is hard to meet someone who you care and the other person care about you.

Have you thought of going for marriage counselling to talk about this issue? Perhaps, it helps your husband to see where you are coming from ?