My fiancé feels that I have poor decision making, forgetful, and that I have poor language skills. She said that I am useless, good for nothing, and is gay cause am clingy, weak, and have a small ■■■■
Dear @Captainlightyear
I’m sad you’re going through this. What your fiancé said is deeply hurtful, and you do not deserve to be spoken to that way—ever.
No one is perfect, but being human—having flaws, making mistakes, or needing support—does not make you useless. Being sensitive, needing closeness, or expressing emotions doesn’t make you weak or less of a man. And being insulted with cruel language or shamed about your body is emotional abuse, not “tough love” or constructive feedback.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected, valued, and spoken to with kindness, even when there are disagreements. A healthy partner uplifts you—not one who makes you feel small or ashamed.
If you’re feeling confused, hurt, or stuck, please know it’s okay to reach out for support. Talking to someone you trust—a therapist, a friend, or a caring family member —can help you process this and remind you of your worth. You are not alone in this, and there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to be loved gently. A couple therapist could also help both of you communicate more effectively and respectfully.
You deserve love that feels safe, not one that makes you question your dignity. Please take care of your heart—you matter. Please continue to reach out whenever you are ready to. 
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hey @Captainlightyear, thank you for opening up about what you’re going through. it takes a LOT of courage to speak frankly about sth so personal, so i just wanted to applaud you for that.
i can only begin to imagine how painful it must be to be spoken to in that way, esp by sb you love and who is supposed to love you too. those words are incredibly hurtful, and as @CaringBee mentioned, you NEVER deserve to be spoken to like that or made to feel small. that’s emotional abuse.
please know that her words do NOT reflect the truth. you are not “useless”, “good for nothing”, or any of the other cruel words she used. your feelings, your emotional needs, and even your imperfections (which literally everybody has btw)—those are all valid and human. they certainly do not make you inferior or unworthy. please don’t define yourself by someone else’s unkind labels. you have a place in this world, and you deserve to be respected and loved wholeheartedly.
it’s completely okay to feel hurt, confused, or unsure about what to do next. i agree with @CaringBee that couples therapy might be sth worth exploring to help you guys communicate better, esp if your fiance has a tendency to dismiss your feelings and denigrate you. if that’s not an option / she’s not open to it, and things still don’t improve, it’s also okay to take a step back. you can always postpone the wedding or call the engagement off. there’s absolutely no shame in doing that. you are not trapped in your situation – you have options, and you deserve respect, kindness, and love that builds you up, not tears you down.
your feelings matter, and you matter. sending you support as you navigate this and figure out what’s best for you 
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hey friend,
really sorry to hear about what’s been said to you :C
what she’s saying is really really hurtful and i hope you remember none of this is a reflection on you! you shouldn’t be facing this from anyone, especially not a fiancé who should be the most loving towards you.
maybe if you have the time and capacity to, you can consider telling her that you don’t enjoy being called these things (rightfully so) and ask her to stop. it’s good if you can also talk to figure out why she chooses such hurtful words on you.
ultimately it’s your choice but remember to take care of yourself, and protect your own peace! you are wonderful in your own ways, so don’t let this affect your self worth
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Thanks everyone for their kind words. She and I were divorced before and she suffered quite a lot during her previous marriage, needing to single handedly bring up a son. She was also there for me during my divorce but I must say she wasn’t the cause of my divorce.
We were v happy at the start but after I move in with her, my forgetfulness starts to irritate her. I would forget to put the toilet seat cover down, forget to turn off the tap (3x), forget to close the service yard window (1x), throw rubbish (2x or 3x).
Apart from that, I also have poor decision making. Her son is precious to her so our decisions have to put him as priority. One example will be that I helped to make hot his bread, I didn’t lower the default temperature (180degrees), thus making outer toast hot, while the inside cold, so she reprimanded me that I don’t know anything cause I nv own a house and doesn’t do house work all along, of cause there were also other incidents that proved my incompetence and poor decision making but is a bit too long to type.
She is colder towards me these few days, we don’t talk much, didn’t have any intimate actions (I think touch is my love language), even when texting she only replied me one or two words.
Right now, I felt like she and her son behaves more like a couple than me and her. While they hug and kiss and play, I will just be one side. At times she would also say that I am stupid in front of her son and asked her son to study hard so he won’t be like me.
I just feel like a complete invisible guy in the house. Only here to help with housework and massage her at night.
it sounds like things are quite tense in the household right now, and it’s causing a rift between both of you. have you guys considered talking about what both of you are lacking right now? maybe if you guys communicate your needs it will be easier for you to meet them, where you won’t be “scolded” any time you make a mistake and she won’t feel the need to “scold” you.
it also sounds like you’re both very stressed and could let each other have a day off, maybe that will help both of you deal with it better!
@cherry754 To her I’m lacking I everything. Brain, finance, and perhaps everything that u can think of.
I tried communicating before but I just felt like all my words or actions were being weaponized by her. When we started out together, I cried once in front of her, she said that she likes it cause it shows that I am able to show my emotions to her (her ex husband doesn’t show any types of feelings except anger). Then there was once when i ended my first day of work in my new office, i rushed home to meet them. I didn’t know that they were going to surprise me at one of the bus stop, i just took a shortcut that leads to the playground that her son usually plays at. She then texted me saying that I am blind, why I don’t use my brain to think that at this timing, he won’t be playing there anymore (it’s around 630pm+, not 7pm) she then stomp off and made her way back with her son, leaving thinking where are they. I was angry but I cried instead thinking why on earth will she be angry when it’s my first day of work. It’s just a small mistake that I nv go over to the bus stop to walk the sheltered way (not like it’s a standard road that I will walk). Me being unable to really expressed myself, I told her that I’m stressed in my first day of work and why is she doing this to me. My work actually turns out to be rather slack, and since then on, she commented that I am weak, unable to take pressure, cry on my first day of work cause of stress while my work is slack.
She also knows that I don’t really like sexual comments (to put ppl down) both my myself and her but she did made such comments on herself and I. She stopped saying about herself and now it’s more towards me. Like how I am not a man cause I cry easy and that I am weak. There were many times I do want to cry but I just held back.
The most degrading thing is that she would scold me in front of her son, and her son naturally follows her and said that I am stupid as well. There was this incident when she was angry with me, she shouted that I gay, weak, and I s*** other guys d***. Her son was right there and heard it. Next day, she received a call from the sch saying that her son told his classmates that I s*** other guys d***.
I told her I will try to improve which I think for forgetfulness, I have improved quite a bit, for language wise, it would be difficult cos I have been using the wrong grammar or pronunciation since young. Also part of me felt it is difficult to learn all these again.
I decided to text her this before I end work
“Hey mama, I am sorry for all the mistakes and poor decision makings that I have made all along. I am appreciative that you pointed it out to me so that I can improve. I know I might not get it right straightaway but I have been reminding myself every now and then to improve. I’m also sorry that I’m a tortoise in this r.s. While you are a hare, I hope that u can wait for me once in a while for me to get to where u want me to be 
”
But her reply to me was this instead of anything else.
“Y can’t u just say “poor decision that I have made” instead of “poor decision makings that I have made”. Decision making is a verb, an action. Buy u r referring to the noun of the poor decisions that were alr made.“
I just finished massaging her foot and hand, came out to the living room to get myself some alcohol to drink. Even something when massaging her, I would mix up left and right cos I would think when she said right, she meant my right, then she would scold me for being selfish and stupid. If I am massaging someone I should think of right as their right and not my right.
I told her not to be angry with me and she replied that she won’t be angry if I improve myself. I think it has been 3 days since we had our own time and be intimate. She would now go bathe on her own and slp with her son while I massage her. While we do things together last time, watch some tv and talk a bit before we slp. We did even hug each other, let alone touch each other for the past few days, the only time I can kiss her is when she sleep and I kiss her forehead and whisper goodnight. I did told her once that I think we all need to hug each other before we slp and when we get up to start the day right and appreciate one another but she recently keep saying that she is disgusted by me and does want touch me.
I know that she was rather overwhelmed by work recently and I decided to write a little note saying that everything will be fine and I will be where with her on a post it and pasted it somewhere to surprise her. Later that night after I didn’t pronounce a Chinese word properly she said that she felt disgusted with the note cause it means that she will be stuck with someone like me. I guess she might have threw the note away. Anyway that wasn’t the first time she threw my post it note writing away
Despite all these, she still talked to me about our future house. What to get and what to skip. I am tired at times. I don’t know what to do next
hey @Captainlightyear, i just want to say thank you for being so open and vulnerable with us. the amount of pain and confusion you’re carrying is so heavy, and it really shows just how much you’re trying, not just for the relationship, but for yourself. please know that your story deserves to be heard, and you deserve to be treated with respect and care.
you mentioned feeling invisible, like you’re only there to serve, and that breaks my heart 
. you’ve tried to improve, to communicate, to show affection — yet you’re met with ridicule, insults, and silence. you’ve been called names, shamed for expressing your emotions, and even mocked in front of a child. none of that is okay.
i just want to pause here and say this clearly: you are NOT useless. struggling with forgetfulness or language doesn’t make someone unworthy. and honestly? from reading your post, i don’t think your language skills are as bad as you think. sure, your grammar and pronunciation may not be perfect, but your ability to share your story with such honesty and depth really moved me. you express yourself with heart. and that’s what truly matters.
you mentioned that you were previously married? i was just wondering: after that divorce, did you come out of it with a clearer idea of what you need from a partner, or how you want to be treated in a relationship? maybe some traits that you realised you deeply cherish, or some things you aren’t going to stand (ie. deal-breakers)? and how do these hold up against your current relationship?
you also said your relationship started off happy, but things shifted after you moved in. i was just curious, how long did that “happy” period last before things began to change? and since then, have there been other conflicts or rough patches before this one? if so, how did the two of you handle them? did you feel like there was ever a healthy resolution, or did things mostly get brushed aside or worsen over time?
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i know you’ve tried communicating before and it didn’t go well, but if you feel safe doing so, perhaps you could ask her again if she’s open to having a calm, serious conversation to discuss what’s been going on? maybe when her son is asleep, since i don’t think it’s a good idea for him to be involved. if it’s hard to bring this up in person, you could send a text first to give her time to mentally prepare. maybe say something like: “i feel like we’re both not as happy as we used to be, and i really want to understand how we got here. i hope we can talk, and i’d love to hear how you’re feeling too.”
when you have that conversation, maybe start by asking her what she’s feeling and what’s been hard for her. then gently share what’s been hurting you, eg. being insulted especially in front of her son. this part is really important. being shamed and called names isn’t just hurtful or humiliating, it’s damaging. no one deserves to be treated that way, no matter what mistakes they’ve made.
after everything’s aired out, it could help to talk about next steps. what do both of you want from this relationship? is she still committed? is she willing to work on things with you, not at you? is marriage still something both parties 100% want?
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and finally, outside of the relationship, i hope you can take a moment just for you. ask yourself, if nothing changed in this relationship, could you live with it long-term? would you still be able to feel loved, respected, and at peace?
you’ve shown so much grace, compassion, and effort. but you shouldn’t have to fight this hard just to make her less angry, or just to feel like you matter. if this is a pattern that isn’t going to change, you’re allowed to choose yourself. to walk away and find peace.
it’s okay to want love, touch, and affirmation (everyone does!). and it’s okay to cry. that doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human. a deeply caring, emotionally sensitive one at that (and trust me, these aren’t bad traits to have! they can actually be your superpower, speaking as an ultra sensitive person myself 
). please don’t suppress or lose that.
take your time, you don’t need to know all the answers at once. but please know that you’re not alone in this. feel free to continue using this platform to express your emotions ok, we’re here for you 
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I really have to agree with everything @pinkskies has said here, and wanted to affirm you again in that you’re trying so hard for this relationship, and it sounds like a lot of the effort isn’t being appreciated! And of course it’s always good to focus on self-improvement and getting better but it can be really discouraging when your efforts aren’t being noticed.
You do clearly have a lot of care and love for this relationship, but it is something to consider whether you can handle the current state of this relationship in the long run. No one should have to put up with the belittlement, and constant putting down of themselves and it’s for you to consider whether this is something that can be turned around.
In the meanwhile, remember that you ARE worth it, you’re doing wonderful, and the right person will give you the appreciation you need! Don’t lose that self appreciation even while you try to navigate this relationship! 
@pinkskies @cherry754 thanks both for the encouragement. I’m married for 5 years previously. My ex wife was more vocal and dominant than me as well but she doesn’t shame or scold me. As we were staying with my parents we had more time for ourselves as my mum would help to take care of the kids at times but me and my ex wife usually do our own things as our interest are a little different. So as time passed, my feelings faded and I went off rail.
During my separation with my ex wife, I know that I need a partner who is more dominant but is also able to plan, take care of them family together with me, and have some similar interest as me.
This is when I got to meet my fiance. We were different from each other’s ex partner. I am according to her, gave more attention to her and more loving towards her. While for me, she is more caring for the family and I can see how much she put in into taking care of those around her and sacrificing herself in the midst at times.
I am not a saint. I managed my divorce poorly and she was the one that helped me navigate through it. From asking me to find a lawyer to helping draft replies to them due to my poor writing skills. I also didn’t allow her to hold my hands previously while we were dating cos I didn’t hold my ex wife hands for a few years and to me it is a step to recognising that I indeed love someone before I decide to hold her hands, perhaps I am also afraid that ppl mine spot me with another girl and that is selfish of me.
When I moved in with her, I didn’t have much knowledge on household management. Since I am a single child and my mum took care on most of it without me helping, I relied a lot on my mum. So when I moved in with my fiance, I will need to learn quite a few things and with my poor common sense and household knowledge, I made multiple mistakes which irritates her. She is someone that is quick on her feet and likes to do things fast while I can do things fast, I tend to make mistakes and after getting my mistakes pointed out by her a few times, I became even slower cause every time she pointed out something, deep in my mind, I am thinking did I do something wrong and how can I rectify it, and usually she would tend to take over the duty. Previously we did had differences on how we hang and arrange the clothes for drying. To her, she has a particular way of putting the clothes (eg, kids clothes inside so it wouldn’t get blown out of service yard, towel to be placed most outside in order to dry faster etc). I have my own way of hanging as well. Didn’t differ to much from her, but after understanding her logic which I agree, I tried to follow and we didn’t have much issue regarding clothes hanging.
I also didn’t managed my kids visitation hrs properly which upsets her. My ex wife tends to dump the kids to me and my parents to visit and she will go out for her activities. At times, she would return home to the kids later than communicated. There was once she returned home 2am cos she went JB while our usual practice is for me to visit till 10pm (then). My inability to resolve matters nicely angers her which I do agree that it is something that I should work on but me being nice, or perhaps u can say that I’m lazy and want to leave things as it is isn’t desirable to her.
In the long run, I am confident that I’m able to take her harshness and everything, provided that she loves me and I can feel the love from her. I know that she would definitely place her so before me. Something which I don’t agree but accept cos if it wasn’t for her son, she would have harmed herself during her previously marriage.
I’m also prepared to leave when the day comes that she or me feel that she is happier without me. I had this feeling for the past few days while using this platform. She doesn’t really needs me cos she can single handedly managed everything but perhaps it would be too tired for her, that is also a reason why I decided to all the manual work possible so she can be a little more relax. At the end of the day if a partner is of no help to the other, what is the point of being together? I would only drag her down.
Although in terms of showing appreciation and love to her I’m better than her ex, but finance and intellectual wise I’m no match for him, that is where the other issues are.
Things were better yesterday after we got more intimate. Perhaps there is also something wrong with me yearning for validation, assurance, and touch from her. Not sure if other guys feel the same like I do or I’m I a little more feminine (due to me being the only child and growing up with my 4 female cousins cos my god mother took care of me while my parents were working when I am young).
I failed to mentioned that polyclinic diagnosed me of slight depression (my fiance did agree that she is part of the reason but we both know that the start was due my guilt for my failed marriage).
After previous arguments, I also decided to sort medical advice on my brain to see intellectually am I incompetent and my first appt would be in June.
Dear @Captainlightyear ,
Thank you for sharing. I think it takes real courage. I feel angry for you that you are going through this situation. I hope you know thst you do not deserve to be spoken to this way, or to have such harsh insults thrown at you.
I think communication is the key in every relationship. Perhaps telling your fiance firmly that her words are hurtful might help to stop such words from ever being spoken again.
I hope you know that you are worthy of respect and love. Plesse stay strong and put yourself first. I believe that you are strong and you will stand up for yourself respectfully.
dear @Captainlightyear,
you have given a very well-thought out assessment of your relationship and i really commend you for that. regarding the part where you said there’s something wrong for “yearning for validation, assurance, and touch” there’s nothing wrong with that at all! everyone wants to feel loved, especially by their partner.
i’m really sorry to hear that you were diagnosed with depression recently, and i completely understand how it’s like, i’ve had the same. as much as you’re taking care of your family, make sure to take care of yourself too!!
overall, i hope that you remember you are doing your best, and you seem to be coming from a place of a lot of love! i hope that both you and your fiance can communicate that to each other, and affirm the love for each other even though things are difficult. we’ll always be here to remind you that you’re doing amazing too