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I admit I have my fair share of issues as well. For me. Not making smart decisions and was financially stable not to say forgetful or stupid (according to her).

My command of English is a lot weaker than her and will mispronounce words easily. She and her son will mock me. I wasn’t taking initiatives in the daily stuffs. I mean I will still do chores when asked and now I have a routine of housework that I’ll perform but of cos I missed out things like throwing out the trash once in awhile and I will get scolded.

I know women want their men to take initiatives and unload their burden every now and then. I tried to do so today when she asked me but a small bottle of bleach to clean the toilet bowl. I went to a nearby super mart and got a 500ml btl at $3.20. I know it wasn’t her go-to brand but she wants a smaller bottle so I took the liberty to decide. I recall the brand doesn’t have a smaller bottle anyway. After that I went home to clean the toilet while she was out for work.

She reminded me that I should get the bleach. I told her I bought and clean the toilet, she asked me for the brand. I took a pic and sent her, she said this isn’t the brand. I told her I bought a bleach as well and she requested for a small btl. She replied that she didn’t specify a size and I should report to her on my every movement or decision. F words started coming out and when I asked her if she wants to me to get the same brand she wants now or after we finished using it. She then say there’s no next time and asked me to stop talking.

Should I forgo a $12k wedding deposit or stay and keep trying to be a little better? Any advice from a female perspective?

I know I have my flaws. I just want some peace. I’m ok with correction but just the tone is too much but I do ustd she has her stress and frustrations.

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Hey @Captainlightyear ,

You said “i just want some peace”… and reading everything, it seems that even when you took initiative, it still ended up being seen as wrong.

Because what you described was not passivity. You noticed the request, went out to get the item, adjusted based on what you understood about size, made a decision, and completed the task. That shows initiative with some level of independent thinking when the situation changed.

But the response you received seems to override all of that effort

Over time, this can make anyone feel incompetent or small, especially when there are repeated comments about being forgetful or not good enough, and when there is mocking involved. That moves beyond correction and starts affecting dignity.

It also sounds like you were holding yourself back from reacting strongly. You tried to explain, asked what she preferred, and did not escalate. That suggests your level of awareness and consideration for her side.

At the same time, you do not seem to be experiencing the same level of understanding in return. This can create confusion. You are trying to improve, but you are also feeling hurt and uncertain about where you stand.

One thing to ground here is that this is not really about gender expectations. Wanting to be spoken to with respect, wanting some space to make reasonable decisions, and not wanting to be mocked are basic expectations in any relationship. In a relationship, mistakes will happen. What matters more is how both people respond to those moments.

Right now, it seems like two things are happening together. You are making effort and trying to take initiative. At the same time, your sense of safety and dignity is being affected.

When that happens, the body usually reacts first. Hesitation, tightness, or reluctance can show up.

You might want to notice this. When you think about talking to her openly about how you felt, do you feel hesitant or held back? That hesitation is often a signal that similar situations have not felt safe before.

Before deciding about the wedding or the deposit, it may help to first understand this pattern more clearly. A possible next step is to express what happened from your side in a calm moment. What you did, what you intended, what you felt, and what you need in terms of tone and respect..

If even thinking about this conversation feels difficult or unsafe, that is also important information about the relationship.

For now, it may be enough to slow down and pay attention to what your experience is already showing you. Let us how what you feel? If you are comfortable, you may reach out to 1771 Mindline for support so that you are feeling safe about the decisions that you make.