I find it hard to accept help that is offered to me without asking if it is wanted. I am married and currently pregnant with no 2, staying on our own. My parents in laws are probably the ideal in laws many would yearn for - always offering to care for our kid, cooking meals and even doing chores at our home. Sounds great but I feel I often do not have a choice of my own. I want to be an involved parent with my child (they are only young once), I am managing well, never complained and really value some privacy and bonding with my child in my own home. There are also differences in lifestyle and views between our families for sure. I struggle when decisions to offer help are made without consulting me and seemed more like for my information - leaves me stressed and out of control everytime it happens. My husband can’t understand why I feel this way, and simply ask me to reject if I don’t want. It is not as easy without sounding like an ungrateful brat even though I know they mean well and probably feel most people would appreciate such help. I have tried saying nicely that help is not needed, but most times it gets dismissed. I end up having to come up with convenient white lies to reject help. Husband is hardly at home due to work, so it probably feel like a non-issue to him and his parents are compensating for his absence. I was told directly and indirectly that I should ‘let go’ when it comes to my children. We head back to their family home on a weekly basis on weekend, and they also spend at least 2 weekday nights with my child too (definitely lesser than what my parents in law would prefer). I have tried to balance it out with my own parents too - whom also want to be more involved but they understand me. I know everyone mean well - I feel like I am the weird one.
Dear @user0281
Thank you for sharing what you are going through. Firstly, congratulations on the 2nd pregnancy! Secondly well done on managing home, work and family responsibilities in parallel, which I believe takes a lot of effort, sacrifice and commitment.
It certainly strikes a chord among many mothers when you shared the current challenges with your in-laws in the area of caring for your first child.
Please know that you are not ungrateful or weird in wanting more control over raising your first child. In fact, I sense your appreciation and gratitude towards them for their support. However, you wish to have more control moving forward.
May I suggest you could have a honest conversation with your husband first so that he fully understands where you are coming from and what you want to achieve. With his buy-in and support work out areas together which you wish to have more control of. His back up and support can help facilitate the change you want to achieve. Introduce small changes gradually and stay flexible where needed, adjusting as you inch forward. Assure the in-laws you are grateful, to soften the ground as you effect the changes. Start with small wins.
I also encourage you to consider speaking to a counsellor on how you can better set boundaries and practise ways of being gentle respectful and firm as you effect changes. With your husband’s support and acquiring new skills, I believe you can achieve greater control.
Do remember to be compassionate to yourself and give yourself rest and recovery time too as you await the arrival of the baby. 