Hi I think I have been living in a way that feels like surviving.
Sometimes, my days feel like a war. I feel like I’m holding up the universe. It’s not like I want to stop, but it’s getting harder to keep up with trying to seem normal. I have to force myself to do things, I have fixations and I’m easily distracted. I think about everything else except the things that should matter to me like getting a job or going out to spend time with people that miss me. I also have an ongoing project to worry about. I don’t want to disappoint myself or anyone anymore. It’s always been this way since I was young, I’m forgetful and careless. It’s really debilitating if I have to constantly hold myself in check with how my brain is wired.
It’s to the point, where I expect at some point it’ll blow a fuse. I get massive headaches and need naps after a few hours of doing some focused task. Sleeping is something that I feel is a luxury, I may have been out for 6-8 hours but my body does not feel that way. At my previous part-time positions, I was never given harder tasks because even though I was hard working, I couldn’t concentrate or do tasks wrong that managers try not to give me anything. The only thing I know how to do is design because I can anticipate and plan ahead for solutions but with my state I feel so unmotivated to look after myself. After a fallout with a person I fell for in my second year, my life kind of snowballed I realised I wasn’t my normal self who could keep her composure and control herself. My triggers became more severe. I had panic attacks when I was in secondary school. I found myself crying in stairwells because my life looked so different from then. I treated the person who I was seeing horribly because of this divided attention I had for everything else. My social life took a tank and everyone who knew me only knew me as the “ studious girl with a lot of potential”. Potential feels like I missed a lot of opportunities, like I could be good at something. I don’t want to keep bumping into things. I almost walked into traffic once before realising a car was going to hit me because I got distracted. My behaviour is a reactionary response to life. Please. I need help.
Hi Hummingbird
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly tough, and it’s clear that you’re struggling with a lot of overwhelming feelings and challenges. It’s important to know that you’re not alone in this, and there are steps you can take to improve your situation and well-being. Here are a few suggestions that might help:
- Seek Professional Help: It might be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional from your school. A therapist or counselor listens non-judgmentally and can provide you with strategies to manage your symptoms and help you work through your feelings. They can also evaluate whether you might be dealing with conditions such as ADHD, depression, or anxiety, which could be contributing to your difficulties.
- Create a Routine: Establishing a consistent daily routine can help create a sense of structure and predictability in your life. This can be especially helpful if you struggle with forgetfulness and distractions.
- Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: When you have a lot to do, it can be overwhelming. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps and tackle them one at a time. This can make it easier to focus and make progress without feeling overwhelmed.
- Prioritise Self-Care: Make sure you’re taking care of your basic needs, such as eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. These activities can have a big impact on your mental and physical health.
- Learn and try out mindfulness and relaxation techniques: Practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing exercises can help reduce stress and improve your ability to focus.
- Identify Distractions to reduce them: Identify the main sources of distraction in your environment and try to limit them. This might involve setting up a dedicated workspace, or setting specific times for social media use.
- Reach Out to Trusted Others: Don’t hesitate to lean on friends and family for support. Talking about your struggles with people who care about you can provide emotional relief and help you feel less alone.
- Set Realistic Goals: Try to set realistic and achievable goals for yourself. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and be kind to yourself if things don’t go perfectly.
- Educate Yourself: Learning more about mental health can empower you to take control of your situation. There are many resources available online, in books, and through mental health organizations.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and set aside time for yourself. You deserve to feel better and live a enriching life.
If you feel like you’re in crisis or having thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a crisis hotline (995 or 1767-SOS 24-hour hotline) or seek immediate help.
Thank you for your courage 
Hey @hummingbird
Thank you for sharing your story so openly, it sounds like something is bothering you and is hindering you from reaching your potential. Like @CaringBee says I highly encourage you to seek help in exploring what is bothering you, sometimes when something happens there is a deeper reason behind it (unconscious thoughts and feelings) and it’s good to explore them. Additionally, it can be beneficial to have someone to provide you the safe space and guidance to navigate your issues.
In the meantime, do take time to be kind to yourself and practice self-care, we can’t change what has happened but with time and help, I believe that you will be able to reach your potential.
Take care! 