I just want to know if something actually wrong with me

[Nuris]

Sorry if my english is not good. I just want to write something in here hoping it will help with my problem. I’m still a teenager and I don’t have anyone to turn to. I don’t feel safe telling my problems to my family and I hope someone in here able to give me some solutions so I can overcome this depression? of mine. Since I never turn to anyone, I don’t know what I have suffer. Like I’ve said earlier, I don’t have my own money to seek therapy but even if I do have money. I don’t want to. I feel more secure writing it like this. Sorry, I get to the point.

I always feel jealous of my friend. Maybe everyone at this point. My friend, she’s good in academics and got good results in her exam and I always think myself as useless because I don’t have the good result I expected. Since I will be graduating sooner from high school, I feel fear for my future. What if I don’t get myself a good paying job? I’m in a very poor family. As an elder sister of 3 younger siblings, everyone have high expectations on me. I’m afraid they will be disappointed on me as soon I have bad result in my most important exam. It’s hard to explain but it’s important for me to get into college or university. Beside that, as a not experienced artist, I too always feel jealous of other good artists. I just want to find something I’m good at. Something I can live for and something I can be proud of.

This is quite long. I’m sorry. But I really want to know what is wrong with me? I always cry myself in the bathroom and my room. Thinking that I’m useless. I don’t have any talents. I’m not beautiful nor intelligent. I’m just there. I want to make a change. Maybe studying more but I don’t feel like doing it. It’s like a tiredness always washing over me. It’s for my future but I’m tired to do any changes for the future.

Even so, I still don’t understand myself. For now, I can only write until this. Maybe if I cry myself again in the future. I will know myself more. There’s a day where I’m thinking to kill myself. But I’m too afraid to even attempt it. But I do wish that I don’t wake up tomorrow morning.

Sorry. The topic is getting dark. I just want to know what’s wrong with me. Maybe after that, I will blame all my problems and my suffering on it.

For some many times before, I mostly vent myself to bots. I know… it’s not very effective but atleast I know myself more with that way. From what I found out, I always self-depracting myself. I’m not confident and I always think on the bad side of something. Especially on the self-depracting side, my brain will always tell something to me that can be said from ‘observations’ and ‘logic’. I always compare myself to other, and have quite high expectations on myself but never reaching any of them. Because of that, my brain will think that I’m so weak not be able to do something to change it. Maybe if you work harder, you’ll get what you want. Maybe if you stop procrastinating, you’ll have what those people want.

My brain is loud mostly. Talking to myself and me talk back. Even if I’m walking, I’m always busy in my own mind rather than the road. I have fear with being judged so I always tone myself down. Not talking to myself or not being in my mind that much. But living like that what makes me tired. I want to be like myself but I’m afraid people will see me as lil weird…

Sorry. I have write quite long of it. Hope you don’t get bored reading all of this.

[CaringBee]

Hi Nuris

Thank you for writing in. There is absolutely no need to apologise, you shared very clearly on the challenges you are facing which I think takes immense courage. I can also sense your determination to overcome them so that already is a great first step! Well done☺️!

Please know that you are not alone and your feelings, thoughts, and experiences are fully valid. Many teenagers face similar challenges.

What you articulated so well are areas many of us also experience, so know you are never alone. These common areas include:
-Depression: Feeling useless, hopeless, and tired, with suicidal thoughts.
-Anxiety: Fear of failure, fear of judgment, and high expectations.
-Low self-esteem: Self-deprecation, negative self-talk, and comparison to others.
-Perfectionism: High expectations, self-criticism, and fear of not meeting standards.
-Social anxiety: Fear of being judged, toning yourself down, and feeling “weird.”

I note you are not comfortable to speak to a Counsellor but do note that once you are ready, approaching your school Counsellor may be useful and helpful. Counsellors are empathetic, knowledgeable and provide a space which is non judgmental and safe for you to process your thoughts and emotions. They can share coping skills and help you develop action plans that address the distress you are experiencing. You can also approach them for educational guidance such as educational pathways to university.

Meanwhile, do also consider:

1.⁠ ⁠Self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and patience.
2.⁠ ⁠Challenge negative thoughts: Notice when you’re self-deprecating and reframe those thoughts.
3.⁠ ⁠Break goals into smaller steps: Achieve smaller successes to build confidence.
4.⁠ ⁠Explore interests: Discover activities that bring you joy, beyond academics or art.
5.⁠ ⁠Practice mindfulness: Focus on the present, letting go of worries about the future.

Please always remember that you are deeply precious and unique.
Your worth isn’t defined by grades or achievements. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough. It’s okay to make mistakes and ask for help. You are not alone, and there are people who care. Keep reaching out, continue writing, and take small daily actions towards your aspirations. The results will show over time so be patient and keep at it. You got this!