I keep coming back to my ex

Ask a Therapist Seeking Help
,
1

I keep finding myself going back to my ex. we have rekindled recently after breaking up last year. I feel the need of her being in my life, but i dont know if i can just deal with being friends. While we had honest conversations and she has recently made clear that she doesn’t want more, i found myself going down the rabbit hole. since this was being put across, i found myself isolating and numbing myself. i refuse to eat and drink and i cant sleep at night

1 Like
2

Hello @Matchastrawberry,

Thanks for coming on and sharing about your struggles with romantic relationships. It must’ve been devastating with the break-up although being ablee to rekindle must’ve felt like a second chance at things. I wanna let you know that what you’re thinking and feeling is valid given the circumstances. However, you being overwhelmed and not taking care of yourself is rather worrying :pensive:

Humans are hardwired to seek connections, and in romantic connection, one can get comfort, passion in shared values and goals. There’s something valuable in that relationship that you keep returning to… Perhaps looking inwards to see what those desired needs are, and to discover if they can be fulfilled in other ways? :mag:
Consider the things you value in a relationship and list them down - this helps you to figure out:

  • What do you look for: List the things you want in your main relationships. Then, ask yourself how you contribute to the things you want. For example, if you want honesty in your relationships, honesty is likely one of your values.
  • What are your deal-breakers: List the things you can’t/won’t tolerate in your relationships. Then, ask yourself how you can behave to avoid those deal-breakers. For example, if you don’t want dishonesty that’s another way to recognize that honesty is one of your values.
  • How must you change to attract these kinds of people: Although we can’t choose all of our relationships, like parents and relatives, we can play a role in attracting our friends and romantic partners. Imagine the kind of people you want to be around, then identify the values you’d like to exemplify in that company. For example, if you want supportive friends, then being a supportive friend may be one of your values.

At the same time, I wonder what goes through your mind to feel like isolating and sorta ‘punishing’ yourself as it feels like you’re trying to meet some need or unmet desire? Have you found yourself engaging in this pattern of behaviours before? How did you cope in the past? Considering in the long run that this might not be helpful behaviours, I wonder if you can be kinder to yourself, and shift (to a more helpful) perspective? Have you also the chance to speak to someone you trust, to share your feelings and seek support? Remember that you deserve and can get the necessary support you need. Hope to hear back from you. Until then, take care! :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like
3

Hi BKT

Thanks so much for the reply. Will work on the above.

I am curious myself why I take instantly isolate myself when I tend to spiral. I reject any form of socialization as well as I find comfort in being alone until I find a way to fill my cup again.

While I worry about my mental health, I do want to move forward in my situation properly instead of throwing it aside like I usually do. When those things catch up with me, I fall down harder.

2 Likes
4

That’s perfectly fine I think. When I ended one of my relationships in the past, I enjoyed the solitude and peace too (even though I was heartbroken).

There’s just something about being able to reflect by yourself and see things in a perspective that you can’t when you’re in a relationship.

Maybe what would be helpful for you is to take things in your own pace. Don’t rush into another relationship (or have those rebounds). Take your time to explore the world. :earth_americas:

5

I really hope I can move pass this. It’s distracting me and I can’t be present elsewhere

1 Like