Lost and need advice

I have recently broke up about a few months ago and the rs was about 5+ years long. I am an emotional person and I rely on my partner a lot for happiness. I text and meet her most of the time. But once she left, I felt so alone. I don’t have anyone to share about my day with, my achievements doesn’t matter at all and no one cares whether I’m sad or not. No one is there to comfort me anymore.

So naturally I tried to use dating app because I really have no opportunity to make new friends because of my situation. But I felt like dating app made me feel worthless. I know that people on the app do not have an obligation to text me but it just sucks that no matter how good the convo is going, they just ghost me eventually.

I feel like dating app is really hurting my mental health a lot but I’m 25 and I feel like my clock is ticking and I don’t have much time left to find a life partner. And I know for a fact that I can’t stay single for the rest of my life. I really don’t know what to do. On top of that, my studies and careers are going down the drain. Nothing is going right for me. I feel like I have lost all motivation to live out this life :frowning:

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Thank you for sharing @Pengu I can only imagine the amount of pain you are going thru now :smiling_face_with_tear: 5 years is a really long time and it hurts to let go of someone who has gone thru tgt with you many phases of life :people_hugging:

Dating apps can be tricky and tiring especially when ghosting has become a norm for most people :face_with_diagonal_mouth: If it starts to feel like crap then it’s time to take a break and focus on your own needs first.

Hmm what were your motivations when things were going well for you ?

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Thank you for sharing your experience. When you feel like there is nothing going right for you at the moment, take a step back, do things that you like for a moment and find the drive to improve yourself.

What attract partners to one another is the qualities they see in each other and when you are improving yourself day by day, you will then be satisfied with yourself and naturally someone else will also be attracted by you.

You should never rely on others for happiness! Find ways to love yourself and make yourself and future self be happy with yourself and your own live, and naturally no matter what happens, you still have yourself at the end of the day!

I believe you can do it. Jiayous.

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My motivation was to do well in my studies so that I can get good job and eventually live a good life with my partner. But now without a life partner, I feel like achieving great things or having a stable job is pointless. Because I don’t get to share these joy with anyone else.

I guess an analogy for that is “It kinda feels like celebrating your birthday with a huge cake by yourself”.

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Do you have any advice on how to not rely on others for happiness? I feel that I can make myself happy by doing things that I like but all these happiness are always short lived. Not being able to share this joy with someone else feels really shitty. I feel like I get happy from making others happy as well

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Hmmm I can sorta get where you are coming from, having that someone special to celebrate with you just hits diff :people_hugging: but it sounds like you were working towards something for another person, what about yourself ? What do you enjoy doing ?

I think to echo what @breathing mentioned your happiness is determined by yourself heh
At the end of the day you need to remember that you are your own person, go out there find yourself again what drives you try things you would have never tried, reconnect with people and meet new people along the way, rebuilding your own identity.

Maybe another question to think about is , how were you like before the relationship vs now ?

Curious to hear your thoughts if you are okay to share heh :otter:

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Hey there @Pengu, :wave:t2:

Thanks for finding the courage to share about a really distressing moment in your life. I can’t imagine how devastated you are, but I wanna let you know that what you’re thinking and feeling is valid given what you’re going through.

Losing your partner together with studies and work not going well makes everything look bleak to you. Perhaps let’s take a step back and catch your breath. The end of a relationship is a huge loss, and I hope you’ve given yourself the space and time to grieve. :people_hugging:

I also wanna let you know that everyone has their own pace so you can always ‘restart and rejoin’ your journey instead of thinking that you’re back to square 1. :slightly_smiling_face: This could be a good place to maybe list down all the areas in your life (e.g., relationship, education, career, health, etc.) and see what you can do differently (keep helpful and useful strategies, drop or change unhelpful ones) to achieve them. With motivation, it will be great if you can strike a balance between intrinsic (doing things for self enjoyment) and extrinsic (external rewards like doing well in school to get good grades) motivation.

It’s also important to be kind to yourself, and maybe shifting (to a more helpful) perspective to see things differently. Happiness can be found in the journey required to achieve happiness itself. Rather than seeing happiness as a final, fixed goal to achieve (e.g., “I will only be happy when I have/get/someone gives me…”), see it as the driving force towards your goal - which ties in really nice with intrinsic-extrinsic motivation!

Let us know what you think and how you’re coping! I’m more than happy and willing to listen. Until then, take care! :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hi @Pengu, personally I found some useful tips online to love myself. I love to reconnect with the nature from time to time, improve yourself by upskilling yourself (gym - make your physique appears better and get stronger) (learning something new - skating, swimming, rock climbing, gaming) (able to be financial independent).

These are more personalised for me and I am sure you are able to find something that you love. Yes doing things for others can make you happy but you should prioritise yourself first so when there are times when you felt like others made use of you, its alright, because you did prioritise yourself.

I used to be unhappy with myself and my life and I made changes. Writing down your thoughts and goals for yourself from time to time is also very useful. When you look back and read those, you would feel like “Ive grown and I am grateful for the past as it shaped me for who I am today”.

One advice I always have for myself and others would be : To never regret things that you chose to do at that moment. It might be because it was your best decision at that time. Everything that happened can be a learning experience and happiness for awhile. What we can do is to move on and learn from whatever that had happened, be it good or bad.

I am happy to have met you online here and share my thoughts. It happened for a reason and I am glad to be of help if I did, if not, I am grateful to know that you are seeking for help and there are also others trying to help you.

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Hey @Pengu. I know it’s been a couple weeks since you first posted this. I hope you’re doing much better by now. If not then that’s okay too.

Maybe I’ll just be telling you the same thing everyone else has said before but you have to live for yourself first before others. People come and go and nothing in life is constant. There are ups and downs but you will always be with yourself. So, you should prioritize your own happiness and well-being before others because I bet they’re doing the same. If you solely rely on external factors like people and things for happiness, you will be disappointed when things change in a way you don’t like. Your happiness will be volatile(if that makes sense).

It’s really true when they say that self love is the best thing you can do for yourself. When you love yourself, you won’t care about what and how other people make you feel anymore. Improving yourself really does help. When you’re exercising(when you look good, you feel good) and occupying yourself with new hobbies(try stepping out of your comfort zone) and activities you enjoy, you’ll naturally feel more confident and better about yourself. In a way, you’ll get this sense of accomplishment and feel fulfilled as a more well-rounded individual when you have so many hobbies(you don’t have to fill up your whole schedule but you know?).

Also, dating apps truly do suck. I’ve been in the same position and I’m still kind of prone to get sucked back into that hole of desperation for a companion. I’m also a pretty emotional person like you with a lot of love to give and I so badly want to share the joys of life with someone else. Back when I started to use dating apps, it was half for fun and half actually hoping that I might just find someone amazing. Of course, it was just draining and really took a dig at my self-esteem every time someone ghosted me since I would wonder if I wasn’t worth staying for. Safe to say, I deleted everything after a month or so, but relapse is a real thing and I redownloaded multiple times but during the process of making a profile, I’d come to my senses and immediately delete the app. It gets really lonely sometimes and you just can’t help but feel it’s the best solution since you don’t seem to be having any luck in daily life.

But, my advice would be to stay off of them and just work on yourself. You could still be on them if you’d like and go on some light-hearted dates just for the hell of it. However, I think the former is a better option for the long term.

I came on here to look for help too because I’ve been feeling really lost and depressed lately so it feels kind of hypocritical of me to be giving you advice but I hope this could help you in some way if any at all. I’m no expert and don’t even know how to help myself but I just wanted to reply to check in and see how you were doing.

-J

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