Overwhelmed and losing hope

Ask a Therapist Coping
1

I (M35 divorced) got broken up with recently (F26). It’s been really difficult and there are some terrible days where I find it hard to justify my existence.

Context:
When we got together (May 22) the only misalignment was the topic on kids. We spoke about it here and there but only got serious in Dec 23 and during this time (Aug 23), she also went back to school.

She then wanted to take a break in Jan 24 and broke up with me in Mar 24. I feel like I wasn’t given a fair chance to rectify our issues and we didn’t do our best to take the relationship where it could go. I was ready to settle down and have kids with her (aligned on this now), but that didn’t change her mind about us.

We didn’t fight in our time together so I was surprised when she wanted to end the relationship. Turns out, there were stuff bothering her and she didn’t bring them up until the break up. I don’t know if this is just her defense mechanism to push through the break up by giving me as many reasons as possible, but I felt like these issues were solvable and I wasn’t given a chance to try. I also wrote a long letter to her detailing the steps I am willing to take to rectify these problems.

Reasons for breakup:

  1. She didn’t want to “drag” me through her student life
  2. Not showing enough care and concern
  3. Felt like I changed my mind to want kids only because of the breakup
  4. Issue of going 50/50 on money
  5. Not being empathetic or a good listener
    And others

Now I feel empty and hopeless. I’ve been careful to learn from my divorce, yet I didn’t even get a chance to rectify the issues she brought up. I don’t blame her at all and I wish we had the chance to grow together. I want a future with her again if it’s possible, but she’s no longer replying to my messages. I have been thinking:

  1. Why and how do you put in effort when the outcome may be random and not something you can control?
  2. How can I be happy when the outcome I want in the future seems impossible to obtain?
  3. How or if I should date again, and still have the the possibility of getting back together with her?
  4. Should I even hold on to the hope of getting back together?

Thank you in advance to any kind souls who can provide some perspective.

2

Hi @Giraffe,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through—breakups can be incredibly painful and confusing, especially when you feel like you weren’t given the chance to work through the issues together. It’s clear that you deeply care about your ex and the relationship you had, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling empty and hopeless right now.

It sounds like you’re struggling with a lot of “what-ifs” and “whys,” which is completely natural. When something ends unexpectedly, especially something as significant as a relationship, our minds can get stuck in a loop of trying to figure out what went wrong and how it could have been different. You mentioned that you’ve been careful to learn from your divorce, and it’s clear that you’ve been putting in a lot of effort to grow and avoid past mistakes. That kind of self-awareness and willingness to improve is really admirable.

But I also want to acknowledge the pain of not being able to apply those lessons in this relationship, especially when you feel like the issues were solvable. It’s hard when you want to make things right, but the other person isn’t in the same place or isn’t open to trying again. It can leave you feeling powerless, and that’s a tough place to be.

You asked about why and how to put in effort when the outcome might be random and beyond your control. This is one of the hardest parts of relationships—there are no guarantees, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t work out the way we hope. It’s a difficult truth, but it doesn’t mean that your efforts were meaningless or that they won’t be valuable in the future, whether in this relationship or another.

As for holding onto hope of getting back together, it’s natural to want that, especially when the breakup feels unresolved. However, it’s important to take care of yourself in the process. Holding onto hope can keep you stuck in a place of pain, especially if your ex isn’t responding to your messages. It might be helpful to give yourself some space to heal and to focus on what you need right now, rather than on what might happen in the future. If she’s meant to come back into your life, it will happen in its own time—but for now, taking care of your well-being is crucial.

When it comes to dating again, it’s important to do so when you feel ready, not as a way to distract yourself or fill the void left by the breakup. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal, and when you’re ready, approach dating with an open heart and mind. Remember, every relationship is a new opportunity to learn and grow, and you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you just as much as you do them.

It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling right now, and it’s okay to take things one day at a time. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s perfectly normal to have good days and bad days. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve the relationship. Over time, things will start to make more sense, and you’ll find clarity about what’s next for you.

Take care, Giraffe, and know that you’re not alone in this. We’re here to support you, and you have the strength to get through this.

3

@FuYuan_Affections

Thank you for the kind words and advice.

I’ve been feeling hopeless in general life as well, it feels like there’s no point in putting in effort for anything since the outcome is highly left to chance. For example, I can put in my best at work and be killed in an accident on the way home. I had someone to share my life/day with in the past, but I have no one now. At the end of the day, what’s the point of anything if I’m alone? Would you have any exercises or advice to help me move away from this mindset?

I’m aware that I can’t force / control her and I just got wait till she’s ready to talk to me again. My biggest fear is she won’t ever again. I think of her everyday and when my mood gets better after some time, I’m reminded of a past memory or place and my heart plummets again. Hope is painful, like you said. I’m in a dilemma where I want to stop feeling pain, but I don’t want to lose the happy memories. And when I think of these happy memories, I get back into the cycle of sadness/depression. I’ve “suppressed/buried” the thoughts/feelings from my divorce and my mom’s passing (10 years ago) that I no longer think/feel any of these anymore, but I don’t want the same for this relationship. Do you have any advice for coping?

4

Hi @Giraffe,

Thank you for sharing more about what you’re going through. I can sense the depth of your despair, and I want to acknowledge how incredibly difficult it must be to feel like life’s efforts are futile, especially when the outcomes seem so beyond our control.

It seems like the meaning in relationships has been deeply affected by the loss of two of the most important people in your life—your mother and your spouse. These relationships likely provided you with a sense of identity and purpose, and their absence has left a void that’s hard to fill.

One thing that stands out to me is how much you’ve invested in relationships with others, but I wonder if you’ve had the chance to focus on your relationship with yourself. It’s not uncommon for people to find their sense of self closely tied to their relationships, and when those relationships end, it can feel like a part of you is missing too. But this might be an opportunity to rediscover what you love about yourself and what gives you joy independently of others.

Loneliness, as difficult as it is, can also be a time for reflection and growth. It might give you the space to think about how much you know about yourself—your values, your passions, and what makes you feel alive. I believe that understanding and nurturing your relationship with yourself could be key to finding new meaning in life.

The grief and sadness you’re experiencing, especially after 10 years since your mother’s passing, might have created a sense of fear and frustration that’s been difficult to process. It’s understandable that these feelings would resurface, especially after another significant loss. This is where working with a counselor could be really helpful—someone who can help you process these emotions and develop healthier ways to cope.

If you ever need help with finding one, here are some options for you to consider…
MSF’s Online Counselling : Guided Journey | Family Assist
Silver Ribbon - Silver Ribbon (Singapore) - Services - Counselling
SAMH - https://www.samhealth.org.sg/our-services/outreach/samh-insight-centre/#insight-contact
Care Corner - https://carey.carecorner.org.sg/

You’ve been through a lot, @Giraffe, and it’s okay to take the time to focus on yourself. This isn’t about letting go of the memories or the love you’ve had for others—it’s about finding a way to hold onto those memories while also creating new ones that are just for you.

Please take care of yourself, and remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. Seeking help from a counselor might be a great way to start processing these feelings and finding meaning in your life. You deserve to feel fulfilled and at peace, and with time and support, you’ll find your way there. Let me know how you feel?

5

@FuYuan_Affections

I’ve been thinking about my values, passions etc. for a while now. I feel fine or happy while doing things I like etc., but get depressed again soon after, especially when I’m triggered by memories or a sad song. Or when I come home after a social engagement and find myself sitting alone in the darkness. It feels like I can only achieve 80% happiness alone and I can only reach 100% with a partner, because there’s stuff like sharing your life experiences, sex, building a family etc. – stuff that you can’t achieve alone. I feel like I can’t be truly “happy” alone :frowning:

How do I hold on to these happy memories and not feel sad? I’ve not thought about my ex-wife or my mom for a while now and they seem “erased”, replaced by new memories that made the old ones seem like they never existed in the first place. That’s what I’m afraid of, losing these memories of my ex, and I don’t want to repeat the mistake of “erasing” memories again.

Thanks for the advice and resources, I will check them out. I’ve been having counselling for a while now, but perhaps there is more to unpack.

6

Hi @Giraffe,

Thanks for sharing and am glad to hear that you are considering about how you can unpack more. I also want you to understand that when you have been spending time with someone close all of your life, you have established a norm, and so it will be awkward for you to be alone, and the unhappiness will resonate louder, thus making you think and feel so.

From your sharing, it also seems to suggest that your fear of “losing” and “the mistake of erasing” memories are fueling your fear further. So it would be helpful, when you are ready, of course, for you to unpack through speaking to your counsellor.

I want you to know that, your courage is truly commendable to share how you plan to address this, and you are actively seeking help to address it as well. We hope to hear how you progress soon.