Feeling depressed because my ex found someone new

[user1777]

We both planned for marriage but it ultimately didnt work out. We had too many misunderstandings and miscommunications that arguments were almost daily or every few days. This went on for months. She’s a very kind person and has helped me through a lot of my personal struggles. She told me to go through for therapy which got us to argue and ive always dismissed it. It was only towards the last few months before we broke up that i went for a few therapy sessions and i realised that we werent able to receive what we needed from each other. I wasnt able to communicate in a way she needed. She finds it tough to communicate in a way that would make sense for me. We were burnt out. She fell into a spiral of anxiety and was getting sick often, she has to often avoid me to settle her emotions before she’s able to speak to me. Almost every week or every few weeks she would ask me to break up with her as our arguments were so bad. I would do my best to mitigate and accomodate to her feelings, promising that it’ll be fine. But all this keeps triggered my anxious insecurity, i would always be worried about our relationship and i wasnt able to sleep. It was bad and i had to pull the plug to call things off. I had to call off the wedding, cancel with the organisers etc.

During the break up, i did my best to talk gently. Explain things from my perspective and i tried to listen and understand her view as well. It was a very long talk and it did feel like we understood better. But i felt its better to let her go. I dont wanna hurt her anymore and i needed to be kind to myself as well.

We became close friends still and do share about our lives, work issues and such. I was looking out for her as i felt she needed me.

The last that we met which was a week ago, she told me casually that she got in contact with someone. It was her colleague’s son. She didnt expect to hit it off well with him but they did. She gushed to me about how he was, the way he spoke, how they have the same interests (myself and my ex didnt have much in common), he seems like a cheerful guy compared to me, and even the colleague said that they are actually very similar to each other personality wise.

My heart sank. I was really happy for her that she found someone that seems compatible and what she needed. But my heart really sank. It kept sinking the more she talked with me. It was to the point that i had to tell her that i couldnt accompany her longer and i had to leave.

I cried by myself. Ive been crying every single day since i found out. I texted her saying that im happy and i hope that theres still a space for me in her life. She assured me that she is still friends with me but that she will be spending more time with the guy as they are long distance (he works overseas but comes to SG every 2 months). I told her i understood and i hope that theres still a space for me to chat and chill with her.

She didnt reply. I went into a negative state and i even said that i do hope for the best for them eventhough part of me feels like we could give it a second chance. Im ashamed of myself. I wished that i was what she needed and we didnt have to go through all that pain back then.

Till date she hasnt responded to me and i know that i have to let this feeling go. Ive known it since the first day i found out. But its so tough. Please help me.

[NewMe]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your break up. Although I know it’s hard to believe now, but eventually the pain you feel towards the break up will pass. Right now, it’s a wise choice to take a break away from your relationship to recover especially since you are still hurting. I know it’s hard and a struggle to move on, painful break up takes time to heal so don’t be too hard on yourself for not being stronger. What you’re experiencing is a natural response towards a break up especially since the other person has already started to move on. Focus on yourself instead and stop communicating with your ex partner, seek to heal yourself. If you are still experiencing a hard time moving on, I suggest you seek counselling so as to manage the relationship better and perhaps eventually get over it.

[user1777]

Thank you for reaching out. It’s tough…I’m not the kind to be posting these sort of things online. However im struggling as im unable to go for therapy sessions.

If its possible, could you guide on what steps i could take to help myself?

Appreciate any help that you’ll advise with. Thank you so much

[NewMe]

(post deleted by author)

[NewMe]

Hmm…if you are unable to go for therapy due to financial reasons, I can recommend TOUCH counselling service as I heard that the counselling service offers subsidies, they also provide free service for the unemployed.

I am not a professional so take what I say with a pinch of salt if you feel that my advice is not useful.

Do what makes you comfortable:

1. I suggest you stop conversing with your ex as it will bring you more pain to learn about her new relationship.

2. Take time for yourself away from any relationships and dating until you feel you are ready again. Preferably a year or so to recover.

3. Pick up a hobby that you love and surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Spend more time with them.

4. Start a digital journal on your phone (with passcode). Write a short entry whenever you are upset, preferably at a quiet and private corner. You do not need to commit to writing an entry daily, just whenever you feel upset and need to blow off some steam.

5. I recommend you start a gratitude journal too. Attached to this reply is a 5 min gratitude template you can use. People who do daily gratitude tend to appreciate what they have more in life, which makes them happier. Do not feel bad if you cannot commit to writing on a gratitude journal daily, just try your best at your own pace and time.

All the best! I’m sure you’ll be able to get through this tough time. Don’t keep to yourself if you’re upset, come here to post anytime if you need a listening ear or consult with a professional councillor.

[NewMe]

If you would like to reframe your negative thoughts to positive ones instead of just writing down your negative feelings in a journal entry, you can opt to try FreeCBT. It is a completely free app available on both iOS and Android devices with no ads what-so-ever. They even have a guide if you click the “?” button. I use this app whenever a negative thought pops up in my head, but it won’t be effective if you just write it down and still think about it though. You’ll need to distract yourself with something like work, studies or hobbies after using the app to make the positive thoughts stick.

Here are some pic of what the app interfaces looked like:

[NewMe]

It takes time to stick to these methods, so don’t sweat it if you can’t the first few times especially CBT, but practice makes perfect. The more you fail, the more the success rate increases. Just make sure you are surrounded in a positive environment that won’t discourage your progress and growth. Stay happy and healthy!

But if your councillor recommend something better, do that instead! Or you can just use the FreeCBT along with your counselling session, it’s super effective.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Dear @User1777,

First, I want to acknowledge how vulnerable and open you’ve been in sharing your experience. The emotional pain you’re feeling is so evident, and it’s clear that you’ve been through a lot in the course of this breakup and relationship. The fact that you’re reaching out shows tremendous strength, even if it might not feel that way to you right now.

I can sense the deep sadness and grief that comes with the loss of this relationship and how the news of your ex moving on has hit you hard. To feel like you’re in a state of emotional turmoil—one moment, you’re filled with joy for her, and the next, your heart is descending. You’re holding onto a lot of pain, and it’s taking a toll on you emotionally and physically. It’s painful to witness someone you love finding happiness with someone else, especially when you still care for them and see potential for reconciliation.

You’ve expressed a lot of self-blame, feeling like you failed her and wishing you could have been the person she needed. Sometimes, it’s not about being perfect for someone else; it’s about connection, and sometimes that connection just doesn’t work out the way we hope. This doesn’t make you less of a person, and it certainly doesn’t diminish your worth.

You’ve shown great maturity in realizing that the relationship wasn’t working and that you needed to let her go. That shows an incredible amount of self-awareness. Letting her go takes courage. The courage to face uncertainty, the courage to be left alone, the courage to face sadness. I hope to hold this space for you and to lend you the courage to feel hurt. Trying to maintain that closeness while knowing things have changed can be incredibly difficult, and it’s okay to give yourself permission to feel hurt and disappointed.

It’s important that you allow yourself to fully process the grief of this breakup without rushing to move on. It might feel easier to just wish it all away, but the pain you’re feeling is valid and needs space to be felt and understood. Your emotions are part of your healing journey, and it’s okay to let them unfold in their own time.

You mentioned struggling with feelings of wanting to go back and trying to understand if there’s still a place for you in her life. It’s okay to have those thoughts, but I also encourage you to reflect on what you need right now—independence from the situation, self-compassion, and a clearer path forward. You’ve already started to recognize that healing comes from within and that emotional independence is part of that growth.

As you continue to process this loss, be kind to yourself. The relationship might not have worked out the way you envisioned, but that doesn’t define you. You have the strength to heal and move forward, even though it may feel difficult at times.

I encourage you to take small steps toward reclaiming your sense of self outside of this relationship. It could mean focusing on hobbies or goals that are just yours, spending time with people who support you, or even journaling your thoughts to let the emotions flow. Healing is a journey, and you don’t need to have everything figured out right away. The most important thing is to keep showing up for yourself, as you have done by reaching out.

Please be gentle with yourself, and remember that you are not alone in feeling this way. Small steps are progress, and you’re doing the work to heal, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

[user1777]

@NewMe @FuYuan_Affections Thank you so much both of yall… I appreciate how much time and effort yall put in to write all that. Im really so grateful…

Posting on a portal like this is very unfamiliar and awkward for me, I’m so thankful with the safety and gentleness that i received from yall.

I’ll do the journaling and try out some of the stuff that @NewMe advised. I was worried that there wasnt such therapy sessions which are subsidised and even for unemployed that you mentioned. I really appreciate how detailed you were… the FreeCBT seems very interesting as well. I’ll def give that a try. The advice you’ve given have been really helpful and clear. Thank you…

@FuYuan_Affections thank you so much for holding the space and the validations. It meant a lot to me as I’ve been feeling how weak, immature, and stupid i was to feel and have reacted in such a way. I’m really touched by what you’ve posted and I’ll do my best to be kinder to myself…

I’ve actually identified most of my core weaknesses/insecurities from past therapy sessions and self reflections, however facing it full force when i found out about my ex made me face the full brunt of it. Its so tough and i know that i still have more to work on to be better.

I wish for the best for both of yall going through what you’re facing. I wish for everyone here relief from whatever burdening your hearts. I’ll do my best and I’ll update here if possible.