Dear therapist and anyone else,
I’ve recently used coffee meets bagel to find a suitable partner because I felt like I’ve only got a few years to find a potential partner so I can start a new life. That’s the main intention but you know, in the app it’s like the most weirdest experience I’ve had. I’ve had weird desperate people at times and not even one organic normal conversation without men wanting one thing from a woman. They said they are looking for something serious but the way they ask me out at night reflects something else. That’s not on me but them
But it affects my mental health a lot. Because I want people to take me seriously and consider me as a gf but I’m getting weird perverted men who may not even be serious. I’m not sure why I need so much attention and love and it hurts when I get last seen when I draw a boundary on what time I can meet and etc and the amount of info I’ve shared.
Maybe I’m crazy lonely. Or maybe I have gaps in my life that wasn’t fulfilled with enough live attention as a child
Coming from someone who consistently uses dating apps, my only advise is to not take other people’s treatment towards you be reflective of what you think about yourself.
It’s definitely a THEY problem not a YOU problem.
Maybe not once or twice you were asked to meet at midnight (been there ) and you’re thinking is it too much to ask to meet at a more reasonable time? Spoiler Alert, it’s not!
Needing attention and connection are basic human needs and you should surround yourself with people who thinks you deserve this.
As a context, I’ve been using dating apps for 10 years
When I started, I always think maybe I’m expecting too much. But trust me, you’ll find someone who respects all the boundaries you have.
Btw, I’m no way near having a great love life(10 years avid Tinder user ) so you can consider my advise invalid. I just want you to know that I’ve been in the same situations and I sincerely want to ask you to never forget your boundaries.
I struggled with dating apps too, felt very cautious and uneasy all the time >< I find it hard to understand if the other party is genuine or not, or if I’m thinking too much. so i chose to stay off it ><
I find platforms like meetup.com a lot better in terms of getting to know new people!! Can find ppl of common interests or join activities thats new for myself with other like-minded ppl. maybe this would be a better fit for what youre looking for~
hope you meet more good ppl in life <3
Hey again @jello190
Thanks for sharing about your experience on a dating app. I’m sorry the experience you had didn’t match what you were hoping for; there seems to be a huge disconnect in the values you seek vs what these people are seeking instead. I can see how that affects your mental health too, it is definitely anxiety-provoking, especially if it’s bringing out memories of a particular event.
I think we all agree that human beings seek connection, and in deeper connection we can find comfort, passion in shared values and achieving goals together. Again, you do seem to have some self-awareness as you try to figure out if this behaviours you currently display follow a pattern or theme. I’m curious when you mentioned that you think it’s due to loneliness or not receiving enough attention as a child. I’m also curious why you mentioned you only have a few years to find a partner?
I wonder if this sort of insight might point you towards your desired needs and to perhaps figure out other ways to get them – the value of connection need not come only from a romantic partner. You can try out this exercise to determine what are the things you most value. Next, you can kinda zero in on what is/are the most important values about relationship that you seek out:
- What do you look for: List the things you want in your main relationships. Then, ask yourself how you contribute to the things you want. For example, if you want honesty in your relationships, honesty is likely one of your values.
- What are your deal-breakers: List the things you can’t/won’t tolerate in your relationships. Then, ask yourself how you can behave to avoid those deal-breakers. For example, if you don’t want dishonesty that’s another way to recognize that honesty is one of your values.
- How can you change to attract these kinds of people: Although we can’t choose all of our relationships, like parents and relatives, we can play a role in attracting our friends and romantic partners. Imagine the kind of people you want to be around, then identify the values you’d like to exemplify in that company. For example, if you want supportive friends, then being a supportive friend may be one of your values.
I recall you mentioning that you also want to prioritise your mental health in another post, so remember to take care of yourself too in those other areas! Again, we’re here to support you so looking forward to hearing from you soon!