latelyy, ive been suspecting that i have autism, but im not sure and i dont want to self-diagnose myself..
well since i was young, i never fit in. in kindergarten i often was alone im pretty sure (i used to follow girls around to be their friend) and i could only speak english somehow at the time and couldn’t speak my home languange, so it was hard. i dont remember much from my kindergarten years, but i do remember that i was a loner, but my mom never saw any signss. so moving on to primary school, i think i showed signs but again im not suree?? in 1st grade, i genuinely couldn’t make friends, coudln’t socialize. even the first friend i hadsince 1st grade told me i was just.. standing outside of class with my posture like a mannequin, face dull, and looking like some lost kid when she saw me
alsoo even when i had friends, i’d always choose to stay in my seat and not bother them because i was too scared and i overthinked stuff too much, so i ended up never talking to them while my heart was beating 10m/h cause i was nervous and felt like evryone was judging me. i was also really struggling with social cues, apparently it was hard for me to control my facial expressions too so people thought i was mad or sad for some reason?? i used to stay unusually quiet whenever i wanted to talk or come up to someone but ended up just being in my seat, i tend to fidget alot and it is genuinely from anxiousness i think, and id get tons of sensory issues in class when that happened. and as of now i still act like that, and i dont know why. i try to fit in but it just never works 
. i swear i really try to be “normal” but i feel so alien whenever i talk. i also never had a special interest but i would have interests that genuinely consumed my day-to-day life for a few months and then suddenly id drop it and then go to another interest that id do the same thing with.
soo yeahh, the fact that i might have autism has been bothering me ever since, but this could just be normal soo idk, but please and thank you anyway 
