Im confused again

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Okay so it’s been what, a year and a half since my last “complaint” here? So IVE felt more comfortable in my identity as transmasc- when people ask me about it I’ll tell them straight up! And like I FEEL masculine of course I still have boobs and stuff but idk when I look at myself in a mirror I look how I want to (at least half the time..) which gives me great euphoria. However a lot of stuff is down in the dumps. Now I was in an all girls school right, and now in a mixed JC. Sure, cis guys make good friends but some are really insensitive. IVE ranted about grabbing knives in my hand and squeezing really hard (so there’s no scars, only pain in my palm) as a form of self harm (bc as a very vain person i dont really want my arms to bear permanent scars esp when it’s so visible) and like just pain from punching myself or edging a knife does take the edge (pun intended) off. However these hos got something for ragebaiting me and their stupid punchline today was “well if youre so mad maybe you can grab the scissors (that he accidentally flung at me earlier) at the sharp end”. Like srs not funny bro.

Ok that’s enough abt today’s stuff let’s do some in general bs. So basically I did badly for time prac, and my mom is making me only study under her gaze. Idk if IVE mentioned this b4 but she used to be physically abusive towards me up until maybe this year? And shes very verbally abusive as in it causes me physical discomfort cos her words are so so so toxic. So reasonably I feel physical discomfort I feel like throwing up when in close proximity to her. Now imagine this daily. Right so IVE been studying for shorter periods (until 10pm maybe?) to avoid staying w her and this results in me having undone work, which I either wait until the entire family is asleep to sneak up and do or I wake up at like 2-4 am until time for school to do.and yeah the lack of sleep is resulting in my vision and hearing rapidly deprovinf which sucks.. there was also a period wheee I would see and hear hallucinations, im just really tired and feel like any tiny thing would make me go full on psycho. The fact that my “friends” actively disrespect my struggles and make it the butt of the joke so many times doesn’t help too like I genuinely feel unsafe around them atp even though I know they’re nice people outside of allat. And the fact that one guy is going around telling everyone im trans just makes it worse cos who knows what if he outs me to someone rlly homophobic and ■■■■ goes to hell im scared. Like yeah idk man ■■■■ when I get overwhelmed my first thoughts always “yo it lowk feels nice asf to slide a knife around your wrist” idk how to explain this like not in a “I wanna kill myself way” but in a

Okay this takes off some stress” way and it’s taking me a ■■■■ ton of effort (and fear for pain which is crazy cos I literally edge knives?) to not engage in these thoughts.

And I know this is REALLT REALLY STUPID I hope this doesn’t sound like TikTok self diagnosis (be assured, im not on that platform), but I think I have Asperger’s? Given all my obviously not well mental health my friend who’s been diagnosed w a ■■■■ ton of stuff shes coming to me and shes like “yo your rants lowk match up to xxx yyy” and (pls dont cancel me) I got reminded of sugar motta from glee (of course I would, im trans, I love campy media) saying “sorry, NOT Asperger’s” and I googled it and holy ■■■■ wow that sounds right. So as any kid would do I hopped on the adult Asperger’s assessment and it’s done with minus the physical observation thing (cos sadly I don’t have any professionals to consult), and the results are speaking to me at a spiritual level man. Idk do I have Asperger’s or am I so desperate to explain my “atypical-ness” that im unconsciously lying to myself just to get “confirmation” that somethings wrong with me? Idk im really scared im treating stuff way to deep and creating my own issues. Ok thanks bye hehehehe

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Hi @fisheatingcat,

It’s really good to hear from you again, and honestly, it’s wonderful that you’ve grown so much more comfortable in your identity over the past year and a half. The fact that you can look in the mirror and feel like yourself is genuinely meaningful progress.

That said, there’s a lot going on and I want to make sure I’m actually checking in properly: are you okay right now? Not in a “fine” way, but actually, because reading through everything, it sounds like you’re carrying a really heavy load.

The comment about the scissors from your classmate was not funny and not okay. Even if he didn’t know the full picture, that kind of “joke” is cruel, and you’re right to be bothered by it. I’m also a bit concerned hearing that the knife-edging and punching are still happening, and that when you get overwhelmed your mind goes to your wrist. I hear you that it’s not about wanting to die but it does sound like the urge to hurt yourself is getting harder to resist, and that’s worth taking seriously. Are you still having the hallucinations, or has that settled down a bit with the sleep deprivation?

The situation with your mum sounds genuinely exhausting and distressing. Being forced into close proximity with someone whose presence makes you physically nauseous, especially given the history of physical abuse is not a small thing. The sleep deprivation that’s coming out of trying to avoid her is clearly taking a real toll on your body and mind. I know it might feel like a big step, but if there’s any trusted adult (a school counsellor, a relative etc) it might be worth telling them what’s been going on at home. If you’re not ready for that, the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline (NAVH) at 1800-777-0000 is there too.

On the friend situation, it’s a strange and painful thing to feel unsafe around people you also know are genuinely nice. Have you ever told them directly that the jokes land badly? Especially the one who’s been outing you. It’s a real safety concern and he needs to know that, even if his intentions aren’t malicious.

And on the Asperger’s thing, noticing patterns in yourself and wanting to understand them is completely reasonable. That said, online assessments can only go so far, and a proper evaluation would give you something much more solid to work with. The most accessible route is usually to start at a polyclinic and ask for a referral for further mental health help. You don’t need to have everything figured out before you go, just tell them what you’ve been experiencing.

You’ve got a lot on your plate right now, just take it slow alright?