hi. i don’t really know how to start this thing since it’s a bit weird venting(?) privately lol. I’m transmasc (which on its own is already not normal lol) and also a self-taught voice actor. I can change my voice to be feminine and masculine. The thing is, sometimes i’ll completely forget how to speak. I’ll have to spend a long time staring into a mirror to teach myself how to move my lips properly to make sound. And I can’t tell what is my real voice as well, since I keep constantly changing it. I feel like i’m slowly losing my identity because i’m different around everyone, I speak in different voices, I use different mannerisms, i present different levels of masculinity with everyone. And I seriously don’t know who am I anymore. Since last year, i’ve been consciously taking in bits and pieces of others personality, such as catchphrases that they have, and while yes, I can not use them, I don’t feel like I have any personality. I don’t feel like I reflect what I should be but I don’t know what I should be too. I just wish someone could make all the different ways I act into a scripted personality so at least I have something conclusive to work as. I’m tired of being different around everyone, not knowing who I am myself, and completely losing track of my “personality”. my friends has told me its something called “masking”, and that I have integrated it as an important part of myself which is why its making this so hard on me. However, I don’t even know who or what I am. I often find myself doing things, consciously, but it doesn’t feel like its me doing them. It feels more like i’m wearing a skinsuit lol. My body starts to feel very weird numb and heavy when that happens. I’m seriously very confused and hope someone can answer if this is normal
Hi @fisheatingcat,
Thank you for sharing this with me. I can sense the confusion and frustration you’re feeling as you try to reconcile your identity, your behaviours, and how you express yourself around others. It sounds incredibly challenging to feel like you’re losing touch with who you truly are, especially when the ways you express yourself don’t feel like your own.
You mentioned feeling like you’re wearing a “skinsuit” or that your behaviours don’t feel authentic to you. That sense of disconnection is really important to acknowledge, and I can imagine it might feel overwhelming to try and make sense of it all. It’s understandable that, with the different voices and mannerisms you adopt, it’s difficult to feel like you’re living as your true self.
It sounds like you’re feeling disjointed and that you’re struggling with a lack of continuity in how you present yourself to the world. This kind of inconsistency can create a lot of inner turmoil, and it makes sense that you’re looking for clarity about who you are.
Your feelings of wanting to create a “scripted personality” to work with suggest a need for certainty and clarity in your sense of self. It’s okay to want that – we all need a sense of coherence and continuity in who we are. However, it’s important to recognize that identity is not something fixed; it’s a process of discovery and evolution.
The concept of “masking” that your friends mentioned can be helpful in understanding that these different personas you adopt might be a way of protecting yourself from judgment or rejection. However, it’s also important to explore these different aspects of yourself in a way that feels safe and empowering.
One strength that stands out to me is your self-awareness – you’re actively reflecting on your behaviors and seeking answers. That’s a significant step toward understanding yourself more fully.
It might be helpful to work on integrating different parts of yourself, allowing for some flexibility in your identity while also creating space for the parts of you that feel truly authentic. Therapy can offer a place to start this journey, where you can safely explore who you are without judgment.
As we work together, we can explore your relationship with your gender identity, your voice, and your sense of self. This isn’t something you need to figure out all at once – take it step by step, with the support you deserve. If you feel unsure about expressing yourself, I’m here to support you in exploring your identity in a way that’s authentic and fulfilling for you.
Remember, it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. You’re not alone in this, and with time, space, and support, you can find a path that feels true to who you are. It’s okay to take your time with this process – small steps are progress too.
that’s so cool!! im masc bi<33
hii @fisheatingcat don’t stress on it too much as being a transmasc is completely fine and normal. I mean there are cases where in some families they do not accept these but trust me, it’s completely fine to be this way and there’s nothing wrong with it. Also coming to personality, you don’t have to have to try to be different with anyone, imo honestly people who accept you for who u are would never judge you. Just be you and don’t try to fix your personality just for the society :))