i believe in fate and karma and all that but atp i feel like the universe wants me dead. my 2 years in jc were utter hell, i remember most of the bad but barely any of the rare few good moments, nothing and no one really lasts, and a levels is a wreck. i’ve decided to retake a levels next year as a private candidate and have prepped everything to ensure that i’d be able to succeed and thrive academically and health wise next year as i’ll be out of my school and thus out of that environment. the week after i had come to that decision and acceptance stage of where i’m at in life, it’s like all of a sudden i woke up and felt like i was back at square one again. the numerous thoughts of friends not believing in me, pitying me in a condescending way and telling me i’m not good enough came back, i started arguing with my parents again and it just all felt like i leapt into another dimension where i was more confident but then got sucked back into that black hole one fine day. i was having a really bad migraine after my paper the other day because of serious sleep deprivation (i developed insomnia earlier this year) and took my meds to get some sleep. i ended up sleeping the whole day away and only woke up at 1am the day of my next paper. the amount of self-loathing and anxiety i felt made it hard to go back to sleep and i had stressed myself into auto-deleting all the information i had for that subject from my brain and was panicking. i asked my dad if i could skip the paper (since i was retaking it the next year anyway) and just sit for paper 2 which is two days away. he agreed and went to go tell my mom but it just ended in her literally barging into my room and yelling at me about how much of a coward i was and that i always run away from things. i tried to explain but she refused to see where i was coming from and kept cutting me off with childish whines (not trying to be mean here i’m genuinely trying to describe her actions) and with actions i could only describe as a kid trying to throw a physical fit during a tantrum. i got fed up because every argument we’ve ever had since i was sentient enough always involved her resorting to childish methods to get me to submit to her out of exhaustion and ever since i was young it felt more like she was an older sister i had to take care of rather than a mother. hell, even my grandma was the one taking care of me my whole childhood, all my mom did was take care of the “disciplinary” aspect, which usually just led to her hitting me, verbally abusing me and utilising every emotional tactic in the book to make me feel less than her so i would conform to her standards and what she wanted. i’ve been struggling a lot these 2 years and it got really bad this year that my ed came back, i would sh when it got extremely bad, i literally cannot sleep anymore without the help of my antidepressants and socially i cannot be around people without getting overstimulated. my parents see all of this yet they don’t want to actually acknowledge it at all. they recognise it and allowed me to see a psych for the meds (one time, and my mom would never stop reminding me that me taking these meds make me a drug addict…) and tell me to “just stop stressing out” but when it actually comes down to the more debilitating aspects of what i’m feeling, they just chalk it up to me being lazy, cowardly, ungrateful. to top it all off i got diagnosed with adhd late last year and somehow they think that the meds for that can magically “cure” all other issues i’m feeling emotionally no matter how much i try to explain that it doesn’t. they keep acting as if they know more than me just because they’re older, which sure i see how that applies, but most of the time they’re just ignorant to whatever i have to say and only follow what they think is right. anyway, my dad tried to fight for my case and my mom started throwing things around the house as a silent form of rebellion because my dad was adamant. he went back off to work and asked me to be nice to her but i told him i genuinely cannot find it in my to be nice to someone that cannot have the common decency to be nice to others back. she criticises me for the same things she does and would do if she was in my shoes yet she sits there all high and mighty and it really just makes me so angry. i was so willing to forgive her for what she did to me as a kid and genuinely work towards building a more amiable relationship with her, i even told her about my breakup and friendship issues which i would’ve NEVER done EVER, and today she just proved to me that i shouldn’t even have entertaind the thought because she used it against me during our argument. i called her out for her behaviour and horrible personality and she said that i have it too, if not worse, and that that’s the reason why no one likes me and that i’m unloveable to men. she KNOWS the details of my issues and knows that it’s genuinely not my fault and that i did whatever i could and loved as much as i could to the point where it broke me but yet she could still say that to me with such confidence. this is the same woman that told 11 year old me that i can go ahead and kms over her and that it’d give her an ego boost to know someone was willing to d1e over her. i don’t know what i did so wrong in my past life to have to go through the things i did, i don’t want to pity myself and i hate the idea but sometimes i really can’t help but wonder about that. it also sucks (and may sound selfish and mean, but i really cannot find it in me anymore to be nice to the people that took advantage of my love and care for them again and again) that everyone that has ever done me so so dirty in life is genuinely succeeding in life while i’m stuck in the trenches with no way out. it makes me wonder sometimes if i was the problem, which is also another horrible thing because i struggled so much with not blaming myself for others’ mistakes but now i’m back here again. i hate that i’m hurting my parents emotionally sometimes with my words when i stand up for myself and get angry for myself, especially my dad, but i just cannot go back to when i would let myself get walked all over upon again, it would undo so much of the progress i’ve tried to make. well, what’s progress when it gets dismissed by your parents anyway. my dad is also so confusing. everytime i have emotional issues and try to ask for help he doesn’t understand so i try to help him understand but then it ends up in an argument (which he always blames me for and tries to guilt trip me into feelin bad about afterwards) in which he doesn’t want to see my side. he then tells me to “suck it up and do it myself” so i do, but then later on he starts shitting on me again for doing exactly what he told me to. he complains i shut myself out and exclude them and refuse to let them help, then when i bring up what he said he dismisses it and says “don’t bring up old ■■■■ to use against me” when i’m literally not??? i’m so tired, i just want to be by myself and get away so i can genuinely build a life for myself in which i’m actually happy and not forced to put up some front that drains me and keeps me too tired to start on my work because i just want to sleep the day away.
Hi @pastypanini
It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, and I thank you for reaching out for support very courageously. Please know that the stress of retaking A-levels as a private candidate, dealing with parental conflicts, and navigating mental health struggles is indeed overwhelming. Your feelings are valid and understandable.
Firstly, congratulations on taking the first step towards reclaiming control of your life by deciding to retake your A-levels. You’ve already prepared everything to ensure success, and that’s something to be proud of.
To better cope with the challenges ahead, consider the following:
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Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, teachers or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance.
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Self-Care: Prioritise activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
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Boundary Setting: Learn to say “no” to situations that drain your energy and say “yes” to those that nourish your mind and soul.
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Focus on Progress: Celebrate small victories, no matter how insignificant they may seem.
Regarding your A-level retake, here are some valuable resources to explore:
- Guide for private candidates taking A-level exams available online. Tutoring or private classes may be an option you can consider. Improve your time management, study habits and other daily habits. Set up a schedule and indicate clear milestones to follow.
- Registration Deadlines: Be aware of the exam dates, usually released in early March.
- Subject Selection: Choose subjects that align with your goals and interests.
Remember, you’re deeply precious and have courageously charted your own path forward. It may help you know that you are not alone in this journey. Many students have successfully retaken their A-levels and gone on to achieve their goals. Please stay focused and make daily progress towards your goals. You can succeed with your many positive qualities such as determination. Cut off the noise, reduce distractions and stay focused on achieving your dreams and aspirations. You can do this!
I think that theres a lot of things u have mentioned here. I think its still best to take ur alevels this year to see where u r at 1st. I know ur rs w ur parents is bad n they might not let u take therapy but try to take therapy. I would also suggest to go jc3 instead of learning at home until next yr’s A’s. Cuz it might be lonely n thats not good for ur mental health. Im open to be frens n go for hikes
Hey @pastypanini I hear you. It seems like a very stressful time for you at the moment. Are there things you like doing that brings you joy like doing sports, going for walks, eating good food or listening to music? I encourage you to dedicate some time every day to do at least one thing which makes you happy. It can take your mind away from the challenging emotions momentarily which can help you re-centre yourself. You don’t have to spend a long time in the activities (even 30 mins a day is good!)… take small steps to build a daily routine that brings you joy and this is especially helpful during difficult times in our lives.
It sounds like your dad is trying to be supportive but may be caught between you and your mum. Besides sharing your emotional issues with him, perhaps you can let him know how you would like to be supported as he may not be aware of your love language. For example, you can gently let him know “Sometimes when I share my emotions with you, I just want a listening ear and not advice. I just want to feel supported and loved.”
Counselling (therapy) may also be helpful to help you gain a better understanding of what you are doing through, and you can consider approaching the school (a trusted teacher) for advice. If you are going to retake your As, it will be good to gain back your internal strength and confidence to give it a good shot.
Hi @pastypanini
I cld picture the internal fight you have every day, particularly your sense of self and dealing with your parents’ expectations and assumed responsibilities as a daughter and student. All of these do sound challenging, when you’re still in the midst of exploring what works best for you. It’s really sooo overwhelming 
From yr post, you had mentioned tt you had seen a doctor to treat your insomnia. I am curious if you are open to explore seeing a therapist/counsellor to share your vulnerabilities, and having that someone who can help to explore and navigate some of these struggles with you?
Wondering if you think that will be helpful for you?? Feel free to PM me to also share your thoughts.
Meanwhile, sharing some resources with you!
https://www.samhealth.org.sg/our-services/outreach/samh-insight-centre/