so i just had my first A level paper today, it was GP paper 1. i studied so hard for As and genuinely prayed so hard the night before and right before the paper that God would come through for me during this last lap. surprisingly i turned the paper to see that the topic i studied for had come out and i was relieved but then my brain decided to ■■■■■■■ malfunction and i couldn’t translate my thoughts and ideas onto the paper in front of me, it genuinely felt as if i was being physically prevented from doing so. i started getting increasingly stressed because time was ticking away so i just tried to write whatever i could, but ended up having to rewrite it 3 times which left me with just enough time to produce 3 shitty supporting paragraphs and a literal ghost of an introduction without a counterargument, rebuttal or conclusion. some might say that it’s good that i even had 3 complete supporting paragraphs but i really don’t know how to describe it when i say that those paragraphs were the worst i’ve ever written in my entire life, they were just literal writings of my brain’s thoughts instead of structured arguments, because of how desperate i was. needless to say i cried after the paper and was overwhelmed with guilt and hopelessness, i also got flooded with memories and feelings of two of my best friends literally telling me i was a shitty person because of my academic abilities and then proceeding to ignore me and act passive aggressive with me. that might sound like a small issue that primaru schoolers might fight about but it had really impacted me at the time because i was struggling a lot with my mental health and wasn’t able to be present in school or in my work as much as i wanted to. those girls had also ended up isolating me from group discussions because they felt i wasn’t able to give them any information of value, which felt like ■■■■. one of them had also went as far as to say i was a problem child and that me talking to my form teachers due to my wellbeing and grades was proving that i was bothersome when i could have just sucked it up. i’ve kind of always felt inferior in jc, academically, ever since promos of j1 because i had barely promoted and managed to advance to the next year (also because i was struggling mentally) but i listened to one of the girls’ advice and chose to promote because i felt that if i just pushed myself a little harder i would be able to realise my full potential. that happened for the start of j2 but things got bad again gradually and eventually plummeted after june holidays and i was doing so much worse in all aspects. my social life was a wreck, my grades were so low and self-esteem wise and emotionally, i was just in the trenches.
i spoke to my form teacher after the GP paper to discuss the possibilities of deferring As to next year so i have more time to actually gather myself and get the grades that i deserved, i was also struggling really badly with insomnia and literally could not fall asleep for the life of me and that had also significantly impacted me. she said she would check for me as it was unusual for a student to defer after having already taken a paper and i should be prepared if the school wants me to just go through with the rest of my papers and just retake it next year. i really hope they grant me the deferment though because sitting through the rest of the papers in the state that i’m in now would genuinely demoralise me to the point of no return. this whole deferring process has got me really conflicted though. i don’t want to seem as if i’m “giving up” or a coward or that i’m not smart enough/good enough that i had to take an extra year to get through my As unlike my peers and cousins. that and the thought of having to choose between returning to my jc to repeat the year or being defined as “school-less” as a private candidate just drains me. i don’t know if universities would care if i went the private route or that i had an extra year and i don’t know i’m just scared i’d be looked down upon by those i care about again or future unis or that i’d hate myself for not being strong enough to just get through the next two weeks. i really really hate myself right now, i don’t know what to do. i know i have the potential to do better if i just had more time but at the same time having to explain to people that i deferred As and receiving God knows what reaction is so daunting. it feels like my future and my dreams just got shifted back a ton and i’d have to readjust to everything around me. i had planned to go for concerts for my favourite rock bands after As before i’d get my results back but now i’d have to sacrifice that because of my extra year of school. it’s just really sad that i’m giving up another year of my life to this when i could be happier. i don’t know.
