i'm not too sure what to do from here?

[plvto]

recently i fell out with a group of my cca friends, it may not sound like a big deal but it is to me because of the nature of the fallout and the fact that i’m not great at making friends so losing one of the few people that actually took the time to get to know me despite me being really introverted kind of hurt a lot so idk…

last year during the december holidays they kept trying to plan outings but i was sick for the first half and then my mental health took a turn for the worst towards the last part of it so i kept declining. Then my mental health didn’t get better when school started and i just genuinely didn’t have the energy to talk to them or anyone at all without getting irritated so i started isolating myself just in case i would snap at someone i really cared about and that didn’t deserve it. It carried over until now and recently i had a talk with one of them about it. I bought them snacks to show that I cared because at the same time, one of my close friends in the group was dealing with something really heavy so while getting something for her i got something for them as well. I had written a card saying that even though i’m not great at communicating, expressing myself or engaging in social stuff like outings, i still really really care for them and love them. One of them texted to thank me and asked what i meant about the social part of the card because the whole group doesn’t know what’s going on with me. I explained and apologised for the lack of communication about why i took time away from them and then we kind of went into her calling me out for my problematic behaviour and me basically explaining as well as apologising for my toxicity.

She basically said that it felt as if I was using the friend group to vent about boys and that they were there for me when I needed them but it felt as if I treated the guys better than I treated them because I gave the guys things here and there while I only gave them stuff once in a while. Then there was the issue of me not talking to them but talking to certain guys in my cca, which I explained was because they started talking to me first and me sitting with them just meant me listening to their rants on gambling or sports so I didn’t need to talk, hence it didn’t take much out of me socially. After which came the heavy stuff I guess? It was just talking about my trauma with previous friend groups that treated me bad and caused me to close up and have major trust issues and a lot of my emotional anxiety and avoidance when it came to people I loved. For context, I have borderline personality disorder so it’s very hard for me to not swing from either attachment style very wildly. I try my best not to but it’s very difficult to get over certain trauma and the thoughts in my head saying nasty stuff to me in my friends’ voices.

I apologised as sincerely as I could and said I would change and do better, which I’m genuinely committed to doing but I’m so unsure as to how. I made them bracelets for their taylor swift concert with cards explaining why i chose those songs for them respectively, i got them snacks and i’m currently planning to bake stuff for my friends (them included) and i really want to give them some too. i’m not used to talking or connecting verbally because no one in my life has ever done that to me, ever since i was a kid i’ve learnt from my family and other friends that the way to apologise is to give people things so that’s just become the way i show i care and that i love them. I’ve tried to incorporated writing letters or cards too to try and express myself, because every time i talk i just get misunderstood or i can’t articulate my thoughts in a cohesive manner.

so i texted in the group chat to ask if anyone was lactose intolerant so i could make the switch to oat milk if needed to but i got left on read. when we talked it seemed as if everything was okay and two of my friends were quite nice about it, but in person they still seem very cold and i don’t know if i’m just imagining it or if they just genuinely want to stop associating with me… but they said that they would like to get to know me better when i feel okay again?? i don’t know… three of them are also in a solid trio so it’s very hard to talk to the group without feeling as if i’m intruding or feeling left out, my closest friend in the group also kind of left (like she’s still in the group but can’t hang as often because she stayed back a year) and it feels so awkward without her. i don’t know what to do to sincerely show i care for them and to show that i’m sorry.

[Jaws]

Hey @plvto

It sounds like you’ve been through quite the rollercoaster with your friends, and it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling the way you do. The situation with the group outings, your health, and the whole dynamic shifting—it’s a lot for anyone to handle.

You mentioned that you’ve tried to reach out by giving snacks and writing heartfelt cards, which is a really thoughtful way to show you care. It’s clear that you put a lot of thought into your gestures, like making bracelets for the Taylor Swift concert. That’s pretty special and shows how much you value your friendships.

It sounds like there’s a bit of a disconnect in how you and your friends are interpreting these gestures and communications. Have you had the chance to ask your friends how they felt about the cards and the snacks? Sometimes what we intend and how it’s received can be different, and it might provide some insight into their reactions.

The group chat situation sounds frustrating, especially being left on read after asking about the oat milk. It’s a small thing, but it shows you’re considering their needs, which is a kind gesture. Have you noticed any changes in the group dynamics since then, or have there been any more interactions that might give you clues about how they’re feeling?

Navigating friendships when you feel like an outsider, especially with the trio within the group and your closest friend not being around as much, is tough. It’s okay to feel awkward; many would feel the same in your shoes.

You’re doing a lot to show you care and mend the friendships, which is commendable. Remember, it’s also important to look after your own well-being. Balancing your needs with the effort to reconnect with your friends is key.

[BKT]

Hi there @plvto,

Thanks for coming on here and sharing about your struggles with friendships and with how you’re trying your best to maintain them. It must feel really tiring and overwhelming but I commend you on not giving in - and what you’re thinking and feeling about your situation is valid given what you’ve been through along with your circumstances

I can see how important your friends are and I suppose it’s due to you valuing connection with people; your values can help you live a life that is true to who you ARE and want to BE. At the same time, I see you taking the extra mile in your kindness towards everyone (another value of yours) and acts of service towards your group of friends - I also hear you when you say that an apology comes in the form of presenting gifts, I see you taking responsibility for your actions.

You also mentioned about attachment and the instability of your bonds with others, associated with your borderline personality disorder. I wonder if you’ve been receiving support regarding this diagnosis to help you manage your mood and how you perceive yourself? Those with borderline personality disorder find that it helps when they are supported by people who understand their diagnosis, and with psychotherapy being effective in working through and processing their trauma.

I also want to commend you on your self-awareness regarding your mental health. You’re able to notice the changes in your mood and behaviour with your thoughts. I wonder what you’ve done in the past that helped you manage overwhelming feelings? And hopefully in a way that is kind to yourself. Given what you’ve been through, it is really stressful and anxiety-provoking especially with the fear of losing people or being left by others. But I’m heartened that you find ways to cope when you say that you find it better to express yourself through letters and cards - I wonder if this sort of ‘distancing’ (taking time to write your words down) gives you another perspective of the situation

In the meantime, perhaps some of this can help you cope with your distress, if you haven’t been doing them already:

• Regular exercise
• Get healthy and regular meals
• Get hydrated
• Prioritise restful sleep
• Engage in a relaxing activity
• Set goals/priorities
• Practice gratitude

Remember that you deserve and can get the necessary support you need. Hope to hear from you. Till then, take care!