We were together for 4 years, and he broke up with me for 5 months by now. During these months, we were still in contact and things have been (unsurprisingly) messy. We have just cut ties with each other 2 days ago in the midst of our argument.
Deep inside, I still have lingering feelings for him, and I love but also hate him. I feel betrayed, used, cheap, and overall just a very bitter person now. I don’t like who I have become. I find it difficult to let go and move on from what had happened between us. My mind seems to list them down and remind me all the things that went wrong, and I would relive the anger again and again. I constantly feel that it has not been resolved and try to think of things as a whole. But the anger finds its way back in eventually and it has been exhausting.
I just want to eventually forgive and forget, and let go.
Thank you for sharing with us your pain, I hear you, and I can feel the weight of your emotions, and it’s completely understandable to feel this way after going through such a difficult and painful time. It’s natural to still have lingering feelings and to struggle with letting go, especially when there’s so much pain involved.
You know… The journey toward forgiveness and healing is not easy, and it’s okay to feel bitter and angry right now. Those emotions are valid, and it’s better to acknowledge them rather than push them away. It does take time to process everything that has happened and to come to terms with it.
Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s a process that involves allowing yourself to feel all the emotions that come with it, including anger and hurt. But with time and self-compassion, you can gradually release the hold that these negative feelings have on you.
I have some suggestions that I hope will help you through this process:
If possible, try to seek closure through communication. If you feel ready and it’s safe for you emotionally, you can consider having a calm and honest conversation with your ex about your feelings and the unresolved issues between you. Expressing your thoughts and emotions in a constructive way can provide closure and help you move forward. However, please do make sure to set boundaries during this difficult conversation
Remember to practice Self-Compassion and Self-Care! Try to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s spending time with loved ones, pursuing hobbies, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, and remember that healing takes time. By taking care of yourself, you’ll have more capacity to process your emotions and eventually find forgiveness and peace.
Last but not least, please do be patient with yourself and to give yourself the space and grace to heal. Do also surround yourself with supportive people who can offer comfort and understanding during this challenging time, like your friends or family members, or even a counsellor If you need to talk to a professional (therapist or counsellor), please know that there are available places for you to seek support, such as the Family Service Centre or these online options:
Hey @tophu thank you for sharing! Yeah it’s definatly tough leaving a 4 year relationship where alot of energy, time and emotions went into understanding a person and growing together.
Hmmm I would say take your time and find yourself again and reconnect with the people you care about when the thoughts come back try to just let them past and bring yourself back to the moment by taking a deep breathe and letting go. If you need an outlet to release feel free to come here anytime we are here for you
Btw is your name related to toph from Avatar or just tofu?
4 years is a loooooong time. It’s probably a long enough time for memories to creep back at every corner of your life - every little thing might just trigger memories of him. Do you still hope to salvage this relationship?
If you’d like to move on, it’s not going to be an easy journey but I guess you can start by channeling your energy towards something that you like. It can act as a distraction and possibly help you hone a skill too.
And like @Otterworldly said, maybe reconnect with some friends and see if any of them can help you through this period. When you’re ready, maybe you could join some group activities or something and try to meet new people too.
Thank you for the advice and insights. Honestly, I feel very conflicted about the situation, but I’ve come to the decision that I need to move on. Although he dumped me and asked to start over, I had to reject him despite still having feelings for him. It all felt too rushed, and I found it hard to trust him again. I believe I’ll need to take this time to work on myself and focus on other important aspects of my life too. Thanks again!
Hey @tophu , I get what you mean when you say that you have conflicting feelings about your ex and it sounds like there’s some trauma related to the r/s where you will remember certain situations that hurt you and you tend to relive these moments… I think what helped for me was to make a firm decision about whether I want this person in or out of my life. If I want this person out of my life for good, then remove everything related to him - pictures, soft toys, shirts, etc - and make sure you leave nothing in your room that was from him. It’s sort of a way to say that you’re really “letting go” of him. For the unresolved feelings, I think it’s good to talk to someone about it (maybe a counsellor) or if you think you wanna write down your feelings or do some art about it I think it would be helpful too.
