This is a unfiltered thought entry from my notes app, that i feel should be deciphered by someone:
Sometimes u see and hear about other people’s life, how they are able to do and multitask so many things all at once, all while still delivering a spectacular result for every single one of them. Then u look at urself and think, what a ■■■■■■■ failure. Like I can’t multitask ■■■■, cos I always get distracted by my phone or just thoughts. Like what do u mean others can juggle doing school work, ccas 3 times a week, rehearsing for chingay all while still have time for their own leisure needs. I’m here procrasting doing work and just prioritising that work, denieing plans to go out, meet my grandparents, volunteering for other commitments like school events, job offers. Like I don’t think this is what I’m suppose to be doing. I should be able to juggle everything I want to achieve at a acceptable level. Cos the working life I know is a never ending process of churning out results, and I need a life outside of work. so I should be able to master multitasking things now before it’s way too late.
Then now it’s the whole thing of comparing myself to others cos guess what watching tutorials/ taking inspo on how to use ae just got me thinking about me thinking about my peers whom majourity of them are amazing at what they do and would moat certianly thrive in the design industry. Then there’s me. I know we always say that comparison is the thief of joy and that everyone is moving at their own pace so there’s nothing to worry about, stop this impostor syndrome shenanigans cos we are all valued for our talents or whatever. But yes I do agree that everyone works that their own pace in life, but at the end of the day our whole life would be based on comparison and what we are able to achieve base on our talents. Like we are all fighting for the same job role, me and thousand others are fighting to be in the design industry. People are obviously going to hire those who’s works are impeccable and for people like me with the most basic standard, we don’t even stand a chance in this matter. Like the way I operate is that I need a brief on the things I need to design otherwise I won’t do anything and thay I need a tutorial for every single thing I want to design. without it I’m so lost at what to do and I’m not even exaggerating it. If I want to create a keyboard in blender I need a tutorial on it cos idk where to start or how to do to achieve the standard that I want. And this is what I dislike the most about myself, how I’m always needing someone to guide my hand at things. like I’m no longer a ■■■■■■■ child why am I so dependent on others. why do i need my mom to always check and read my messages before i send it to someone of atority, or go to her to help me make a decision. Thats what I hate the most out of all of this cos what is suppose to be the most simplest of task to do independently, i cant even do it. I genuinely feel like my brain is not developed like the rest of my peers cos of all of these factors of the lack of independence, and even if I don’t seek help from my mom I just overthink the message and the format of how to respond back, so much so I would sometimes start to break down. Like why was I about to break down cos I didn’t know how to response to a text of, so what’s the hang out plan cos i need to send my boss my schedule, from my friend… Like I’m not acting my age and my age is about to turn so serious I’m not even ready for it.
I also feel like im just self sabotaging myself, cos I would want to hear advice on how I can improve on myself but when I hear things that I don’t want to do in order to perhaps achieve that thing I get mad at the person for even suggesting such an ideato me cos a lot for he time I know it won’t work out no matter what cos of whatever I’m sabotaging myself with, be it procrastination or simply just not wanting to put in the effort. Like I said I would book a counselling session and I never did cos all my thoughts come at random and when I want to jot them down or something I immediately forget what that thought was an continue about my day. or the problem only last in my head for a few hours and then I’m fine and feel great about myself. Is this an excuse, maybe, cos I could never wake up in time for the session and also just these thoughts comes out when I’m about to go to bed. Also I want to do it where I’m able to say what I’m feeling instead of typing but idk it’s so intimidating to just book a session or like ask for one cos these are just thoughts I want to share with someone and not just myself.
I also can’t just talk to my friends about this cos there are so many things that lead up to these problems that im not comfortable to share to anyone in my circle of friends or family. Also I haven’t seen my friends in like a week almost 2, the most I get contacted is in the form of sharing tiktoks but that is only to just 1 friend. Whom I would like to share things with her cos we always have such a talk session when the time is right but she is so busy this whole holiday period that we hadn’t had the change to go out and do things together or with the group. So all these thoughts and feeling are just bottling up inside of me to the point where now I genuinely lost my whimsy. I went into the new year so positive and saw life as this wonderful thing that I need to explore and make full use of, but now I barely even enjoy the things I used to love. like watching films, it feels like a task to sit down for 2hrs and watch something. like the person I’m becoming is someone whom I hate and don’t really recognise anymore and I’m being dead serious. I feel like I’ve bottled my emotions and thoughts so much all these years to the point where I’m starting to feel numb on the inside.
