imposter syndrome(?) and urge to be better than my friends

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im in poly and i did very well for year 1, and im in a trio that’s in the top 15% of our school. But with year 2 coming along i feel a little lost. I would be fine but I feel like people expect so much from me, with me being considered smart and helping others in year 1. BUT THIS IS YEAR 2 and we’re touching on concepts that I HAVENT EXPLORED MUCH EITHER so when people ask me for help, I redirect them to my friends who are more capable… but I feel incompetent because I couldn’t help, and I need to ask for help now for my work. I feel weak because I’m asking for help so much. It wasn’t like this before. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for it because we’re learning new things, but people see my work and say that I “seem like a pro” and “good for my first time” STOPPP IT

I want to tell them, “STOP LOOKING FOR ME!! I’M AS LOST AS YOU!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING EITHER!! COME BACK WHEN I’VE FIGURED IT OUT AND WHEN I’VE BECOME BETTER THAN YOU!!”

It may not show itself now but it’s going to put a strain on my relationships. My anxiety may cause a rift again because I keep worrying, sometimes I ask “do you hate me” and I can sorta feel their confusion at the question. They say “no” but eventually they’ll start lying, they will hate that I ask this question to much and leave me. Sometimes I vent a little to friends, they seem fine with it, but I don’t wanna do it too much because they don’t deserve my sad pathetic self, plus I don’t wanna seem like I’m just using them for therapy.

I guess another thing that adds to the stress is comparing myself and the way lessons are done. Some lessons have self-directed learning, the problem is, I don’t know which ones are truly considered self-directed learning. Doesn’t make it any better when I turn up to school and see that my friends are already done with that lesson, AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT LESSON WAS GONNA BE TAUGHT IN CLASS ANYWAY!! I’m just so torn between whether I’m behind or if I want to be ahead. Being ahead isn’t too great for my mental either because I won’t have any time left to LIVE. My friends just say “take your time” STFU!!! HOW CAN I JUST GO WITH THE FLOW WHEN YOU’RE 20 STEPS AHEAD, I DON’T WANNA BE LEFT BEHIND SO I GOTTA KEEP UP WITH YOU. AND IT’S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY THAT CUZ YOU’RE SOOOO FAR AHEAD IM so tired and pissed. I neeeeedddd to be better please please im doing just fine but how tf are you so ahead I hate this.

I can’t let them worry, or else they’ll leave for someone more mentally stable. I feel incompetent just writing this letter because I know they’re diligently working on their assignments right now >:(((( My ego won’t let me have peace and Idk if I should work or rest, it’s always this tearing apart feeling that I can’t shake. It’s always this but AT THE SAME TIME that!! SO FRUSTRATING!!!

how do I stop tearing myself apart.

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i also notice that I desire to be others so badly. If I see a more talented person I think “why cant i be like that” how are they leagues ahead?? I couldve been them if I tried harder, but I tried my best!! Is my best not good enough? I ask them for their techniques but we really are just given the same tools to survive, so how is it that they can do it better than me??

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Hey @pluie,

It sounds really tiring to carry this. You have been used to doing well and being someone others rely on, and now that things feel less certain, it is not just about the work. It touches how you see yourself.

It seems like the pressure to stay ahead did not start now. It carried over from Year 1, where you were doing well and people saw you as capable. That role likely came with validation and a sense of stability. Now that Year 2 is introducing new and unfamiliar concepts, it makes sense that keeping up that same image feels harder.

It also sounds like your sense of worth became closely tied to performance. When you were able to help others and do well, you felt more secure. Now that you need help, your mind turns on you quite quickly. I can hear how frustrating and uncomfortable that is, especially when you know logically that you are still learning.

The frustration and anger you described feels important. They seem to sit alongside a fear of falling behind and possibly being seen differently by others. That could also explain why you sometimes feel like pushing people away or checking if they dislike you. It is like trying to protect yourself before anything actually changes.

There is also something about how support feels for you right now. It can start to feel like it has to be earned, as if you should only receive help if you are also giving it. That can make relationships feel more fragile than they actually are.

When you compare yourself with your peers, it does not seem to land as neutral information. It feels like a signal that you might be falling behind, which creates urgency. Then you are stuck between wanting to work more and knowing you are tired. That back and forth can feel quite draining.

One thing I want to gently reflect back is this. You mentioned feeling incompetent for writing this. But taking the time to notice your thoughts and put them into words shows awareness. That is not a small thing, especially when everything feels messy inside.

It also sounds like there has not been much space to sit with not knowing. So when uncertainty shows up now, your system reacts strongly, either by pushing harder or being critical of yourself. Both can make the pressure feel heavier.

If you are open to it, you might just notice one thing for now. When that “tearing” feeling shows up between working and resting, is there a part of you that is treating learning like a race in that moment?

And when you ask for help, what feels more uncomfortable for you: not knowing, or being seen by others as someone who does not know yet? It might be enough for now to recognise that this shift you are going through is uncomfortable, and that you are still finding your footing in it. It makes sense that it feels this way.

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Hey @pluie,

Thank you for sharing the struggles you have been facing. I hear that due to the new and unfamiliar concepts you face in class now that you’re Year 2, in addition with the expectations that you perhaps have placed on yourself and that others see have in you, has caused you a lot of stress and insecurities. What adds to it is also the comparison with your friends, and you feel the need to “catch up to them”. I also hear that this has placed a strain on your relationship with your friends, and you start questioning whether they hate you and if they’ll leave you if they know you’re struggling. Moreover, you also have the desire to be like others to become better too. It’s understandable you feel this way, due to the uncertainty and new challenges the new year brings. What makes it feel worse is that everyone around you seems to be doing well, and there is a fear of losing out that you feel. And having these feelings can be terrifying.

From what you’ve mentioned, it’s normal to struggle when facing something new. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means that you’re human like everyone. And it’s ok! Other’s expectations of you does not define who you are as a person. You do. But I understand why you feel this way too, as there is a fear they’ll leave you for someone else. Honestly, I feel that if they do so, they’re not friends worth keeping. If they’re real friends, they’ll support you, and leaning on them is completely fine too. That’s what friends are for!

Additionally, I also feel that working on yourself is very important. Academics and work are important, but working on yourself is equally if not more important! Only by working on yourself can you grow, and I’m glad that you took the time to type out your post and reached out here on the platform! It shows awareness and courage to face your struggles, something I think not a lot of people would do. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself time to take breaks and rest is one way to do this, and it’s fine to do so :slight_smile: It may even make you more productive. I always find taking breaks to help me study better and understand concepts better.

Hope this helps and know we’re here for you :heart: