Is it normal for people to think the way I do? Do people actually FEEL emotion?

[user9470]

TW: Sh, socially Taboo activity, themes on SA

I will be very honest here, and I won’t hide a thing.

Recently I’ve reflected on myself. I usually regard myself as a well functioning person with no major flaw.

When I hear people around me talk, they are expressive and genuine sounding with their emotions and thoughts. It was apparent to me since I was a child. But as far as I can remember, I don’t feel the same as people. I think people are shallow for being affected by relationships, and I cannot even feel love or be infatuated by people, so I think they’re faking for status or looks.

Seeing people be genuine and themselves also makes me think I’m beyond people. I feel that I process and progress faster than regular people. What ever they get interested in now, I’ve done a year ago. They have a major achievement? I can do that if I tried. If a conversation does not include me either, I stray away from the group. I always have to make sure people know I’m a capable person and not some commoner.

And when I do see somebody better than me, I get jealous. Jealous like ‘I can do that someday/I’m better in my own way’ not envious jealous. It isn’t occasionally, it’s all the time. I cannot think good things of somebody else.

I’ll talk about more taboo things in this paragraph. Linking back to para2, I think people are too sensitive to ■■■■. Self harm isn’t that bad, it’s literally just relief. Just because I cut myself doesn’t mean I want kill myself. And why are people so conscious about bodyweight? So what if I say I’m proud to be underweight, or if I want to go lower? Doesn’t everybody want to look good? I feel like people around me act like these things are socially unacceptable to seem empathetic, but secretly also relate, and I’m tired of their acting. I’ve also been SA’ed before, and I honestly am not the slightest bit affected by it. If anything I keep thinking that I’m superior for not getting affected. I’ve done things that I won’t reveal here, but I’m actually proud for doing all of those, but sane enough not to flaunt it publically.

The more I think, I still agree with myself. Why should I have to inhibit myself because you think no? Why is my likes and instincts not allowed although it’s human to feel it? I have no intention to change the way I am, but I want to know if my mindset is warped, or people are just dishonest with their true emotions to me.

[crispycreme]

Hi @user9470, thank you for being so candid in your post. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you have given yourself some time to self-reflect and are wondering whether what you’ve discovered about yourself is warped or not.

You’ve mentioned finding it difficult to understand emotions. You find it hard to relate to others’ feelings, and there is a part of you that doubts whether others really feel the feelings they claim they are feeling.

Showing others your self-competency is important to you. It matters to you that you can do the things others do, but better. It is tough for you to attribute good qualities to others.

About self-harm and starvation, you don’t understand why others are so against it; for you feel these urges, and hence should reasonably act on them. You have experienced sexual abuse when you were younger, and pride yourself on being emotionally unaffected by it.

It’s hard for you to think good things about somebody else, and you feel the need to show that you are a capable person. But the way you’ve described it, it sounds like there is a part of you that is conflicted about this. If you’re open to it, could you share why?

You’ve said that it feels like people around you act as if self-harm and starvation are socially unacceptable to seem empathetic, but secretly also relate. Perhaps there are people out there who also experience urges to self-harm or starve, because it helps them cope and gives them relief. The brain makes you think that this is what feels right, and you should act on it. But sometimes the brain misses out that self-harm and starvation are unhealthy ways to cope. Self-harm can lead to guilt and shame because your body is destroying itself; starvation leads to malnutrition, which can damage your heart, brain, and other organs. These actions may bring relief, but often the relief is temporary. And that is likely why others, though they may feel these urges, still think that they are socially unacceptable.

From your entire post, I can tell that you’ve gone through a lot. I would suggest seeking an audience with a professional, be it a counsellor or psychologist, who can give you better guidance on these inner conflicts that you are facing.

You may check out this website: SupportGoWhere . It details the various Community Outreach Teams (CREST) islandwide, which consist of professionals providing individuals with mental health support. Online options such as calling the National Mindline @1771 will also put you on the phone with a counsellor, who will be able to better meet your needs. We’ll be able to figure this out together!

[CaringBee]

Dear @user9470

Thank you for writing in to share what you have been going through. From what you shared, it is evident you have been through a lot. I believe you learned to protect yourself by staying detached and relying on logic and control. That kind of mindset often comes from pain and disappointment, not arrogance or cruelty. You had to survive and this has been the approach which has worked for you thus far.

It’s understandable that you don’t feel emotions like others seem to.

I think that when we’ve been hurt deeply, especially by things like assault or betrayal, the mind shuts off feelings to avoid being hurt again. You may not feel numb because you don’t care, but because caring used to be dangerous.

About the self-harm and body image: I hear that these things feel like release or pride to you, but they can still quietly harm your body and deepen the numbness. You don’t have to be ashamed, but you do deserve gentler ways to find relief. Talking to a therapist could help you understand what’s underneath these feelings and find healthier ways to cope, without judging or “fixing” you.

And as for wondering if your mindset is “warped”, please know it’s not evil or hopeless. It’s protective. But it may also be keeping you isolated from warmth and connection that you actually want.

Therapy is recommended as it is about helping you feel safe enough to choose how you relate to others, not just defend against them.

If you ever feel the urge to hurt yourself again, please reach out for help right away by calling Samaritans of Singapore (1767) or visit sos.org.sg. They won’t judge you; they’ll just listen.

You don’t need to face this alone. You’ve already taken a brave first step by writing this out which shows self-awareness and a wish to understand yourself better. We are here to support you too so reach out whenever needed.