Is my social anxiety disorder getting worse..?

[thatlittlemelody]

It was after company lunch at restaurant, I was the first to exit the lift and was heading the way back to office building. I have no idea why I would think that I can try to walk around a car when it was about to reverse. Without realizing, I took a step towards the car. People around me shouted, and my company’s other dept manager kept asking why I didn’t see the car or why I stepped forward. I felt more shocked by their reaction than by the car itself.

I keep replaying the incident in my mind. The manager’s words keep ringing in my head. I feel guilty and blame myself for the step I took. I worry that I might be stucked with this in my mind because the memory keeps popping up.

I could remember 5 years old when I was so helpless in the kitchen that very day when i could not open my water bottle. My mother was scolding me that it was a simple push to the button and the cap will be opened. My mother went to do her own chores and didnt help me.

PSLE was 12 years ago and I still can remember those bits and pieces. Those secondary school bad memories was stucked with me as well. One day, when I was going home from school, I dashed across the road for some reason. I knew I shouldn’t be crossing but I just couldn’t control. The black car didn’t hit on me but the driver pressed the horn. Polytechnic days also haunted me till today, I still cant get over the fact that I vomitted during class after self intro…

I am really very tired of my brain for bringing up all the “trauma “/bad memories to the point where Im low in confidence to everyone and I have fear of eating with large group of people. I only confortable eating with people who I am closer with. I wanted to end my life a few times or just not do anything and not worry about being absent from work.

[octopus]

hi @thatlittlemelody !

it sounds really stressful having difficult memories play over in your head like that its not easy to deal with anxiety

i just want to assure you, that while incidents like these seem embarrassing and stressful for us, other people might not perceive it the same way. with the incident with the car, it’s likely your manager and the others were simply worried for your safety and weren’t judging you

that being said, i know its a lot easier said than done when it comes to looking at events like this in a different light, especially when you’re feeling anxious and your mind is telling you the exact opposite

is there anyone around you that knows about the social anxiety you experience that you can confide in? sometimes when i’m really anxious or view situations in a certain way i find it helpful to use a friend as a sounding board to rethink how i look at what happened. not sure if that might be helpful for you

dealing with anxiety and memories like this is a long road and i want to commend you for the strength you have in dealing with this all these years! if you’re having difficulties with these memories, especially if they’re traumatic, would you consider talking to a counsellor or other professional? if this anxiety is affecting your everyday life, it might be helpful to have some support

take care! you’re really strong in coping with this and i hope things get better soon

[CharmingAnt]

Hey @thatlittlemelody, I can hear how exhausting this has been for you especially having memories like that suddenly pop up, feeling judged or unsafe in ordinary situations, and then blaming yourself for them. Anyone would feel overwhelmed and shaken after something scary like the reversing car and the manager’s reaction. It doesn’t mean you’re fundamentally flawed or doomed to repeat mistakes but that your mind is trying to process a shock, and sometimes it digs up older memories when you’re already feeling vulnerable.

Intrusive memories often show up when your stress response is on high alert and your brain replays past moments because it’s trying (unhelpfully) to keep you safe. That doesn’t make those memories true indicators of your worth or your future. The fact that you can notice the pattern and articulate how it feels is already a strength .

Maybe some things you can try are:

Write the memory down, then close it. Some people find writing the details on paper and then literally folding or setting the paper aside signals to the brain that the thought has been acknowledged and stored.

Talk to someone supportive. A trusted friend, mentor, or counsellor can help you reframe what happened so you’re not carrying it alone. If friends or family aren’t available, reaching out to a helpline or peer support group can still offer real human connection. Just know that you are never alone .

[CaringBee]

Dear @thatlittlemelody

I am thankful that you wrote in to share your experiences instead of keeping it inside. I see your actions of reaching out here a good first step in the journey towards better mental health.

I can sense the hurt, guilt and shame you feel when your mind replays the past incidents. Even though you had not intentionally done wrong, the accompanying feelings still hurt.

I believe that many of us can identify with you: we also carry old incidents of hurt or embarrassment much longer than we wish to. In an effort to protect us, our minds retrieves aspects of the memory to remind ourselves to be cautious. Unfortunately, it pains and drains us.

From your sharing, I believe much of it could be stemming from unresolved trauma of the past incidents you shared that has not been properly processed. May I suggest that you consider some of these:

A)Grounding yourself: When a memory or the manager’s words come back, gently remind yourself, “That was then, this is now.” Then look around you and notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This can bring you back into the safety of the present.

B)Speaking kindly to yourself: Imagine what you’d say to a close friend if they had made the same mistake. Something like, “You didn’t mean any harm. You were startled. You’re safe now.” Try offering those words back to yourself.

C)Engaging a counsellor with experience in helping those with anxiety and who have unresolved trauma.

Please know that your current struggles are understandable and real. However, you do not have to face them alone. If you feel very distressed and overwhelmed, please remember to reach out to Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) hotline at 1767 for immediate support. It operates 24 hours, and there are competent and caring counsellors you can talk to. Do also reach out to the community here whenever needed too. You are precious and deserve all the support you need to live better.

[user3088]

Hi @thatlittlemelody

thank you for being so brave to share all of this❤️ it sounds like your anxiety has been stressing you out lately, especially since it’s something that has been with you for quite a while and that must be really frustrating too…

But you’re definitely not alone in this!! Reading your post reminded me of a similar experience where I almost got hit by a bicycle and the auntie scolded me after she swerved and then cycled past…similarly, what I remembered most from the incident was her harsh tone and angry expression rather than my safety being at risk. I know it was out of concern but a part of me also felt really hurt and upset at myself for upsetting her?

You definitely shouldn’t blame yourself for feeling this way because it’s normal and some of us may feel it more than others and that’s okay too, but there are helpful ways to cope with these anxious thoughts and emotions

I like to type down my anxious thoughts and then later read them from the perspective of a caring friend who tries to provide a more logical perspective while still respecting why I might feel a certain way🫶
You could also consider talking to a trusted someone whenever these anxious thoughts come up or also speaking with a professional!

It must have been really difficult to deal with this for so long so you should definitely give credit to yourself for hanging in there🫂 but please know that you don’t have to face it alone❤️ feel free to share more!