i never really ever tried that hard when studying even during psle year(2019), i lowkey completely gave up cuz i was being rebellious. went to a not so good secondary sch, express stream. told myself i’d do better, did well for a semester and gave up, parents were always discussing/ threatening divorce (they never did go ahead with it) o level year things calmed down, i decided i would do my best for myself but i didn’t. i lazed around until the study break and woke up when my prelims came back w 20 smth points. i studied but not hard, just scraping the surface. somehow got all B3s and a A2, got into a decent course in poly (after cca point deduction haha) at first i was doing all my lectures except towards the end i got lazy, got back a decent gpa after i panic calculated my gpa thinking id get below 3. i grew complacent, last 3 ICAs i submitted it seconds before it was due. tonight i was 1 min late and now im being grade capped at a D for sure. my mum is real prideful and i’ve never done well enough for her to be proud of me but she expected that i would get into the top 3 (nus, ntu, smu) now idk if i can. i might just be dramatic and one D won’t kill me. except i study business. applicants have 3.8> gpas, as of right now i have 3.53 while i was still reviewing lectures. its week 7 and for a mod i have yet to touch a single lecture. the most i’ve done is until week 3. i have no idea how to study, i never really tried. i don’t know how to cope with stress and my assignments keep piling up. i have a new cca with duties to attend to on a weekly basis. its the only thing i’ve been consistently doing cuz im scared if i don’t i’ll get kicked out and that would be quite embarrassing. i plan to catch up on my lectures soon, right after my last group project as long as i do 2 lectures a day i can make up for all i’ve missed by the start of the december break. i’ll be going to korea! these days i don’t feel like doing anything except doomscrolling and atp the only motivation is my trip. i love reading and watching shows but i don’t even feel like doing anything at all what do i do
Hi @user6649,
When you mentioned that you “never really ever tried and lowkey,” and then listed every moment you still managed to pull through, the B3s, the A2, getting into a decent poly course, the GPA you held together, it shows someone who can rise when it matters, even if it does not show up as consistent hard work.
It also stood out that no one at home really recognised those efforts. You said you were doing things “for yourself,” but the way you described your parents’ arguments, the divorce threats, and especially your mum’s expectations, suggests that a big part of you was hoping someone would finally see what you could do. When that attention never came, it would make sense that pushing harder started to feel pointless, even though you knew the consequences.
Your pattern does not look like laziness. It looks like someone who understands what needs to be done but has learnt over time that effort does not lead to affirmation. And when effort and recognition don’t match, motivation slowly drains. The last-minute submissions, the doomscrolling, the avoidance, these are ways your mind has been trying to cope, not ways you are trying to sabotage yourself.
When you try to start a lecture now, does it feel like your body hesitates before you even begin, almost like the old belief of “no one will care anyway” shows up again?
You are not being dramatic. You are tired, discouraged, and under pressure. Taking smaller, more realistic steps is completely valid right now. And if things start feeling too heavy, your school counsellor or mindline (1-771) can help you sort through the weight of it.
Let me end with the part that feels most central. You are not actually chasing grades.
You are chasing the feeling of someone looking at you, especially your mum and saying, “I see your effort. I’m proud of you.” That yearning makes sense. And it is okay to acknowledge that this is what hurts the most.