Knowing seems to be a mistake

[user0606]

I learnt about this place from a friend and he said it was good. So I wonder if it can be the same for me. Some back story is that my Dad had not be loyal to my mother before. And I learnt about this from a young age by accident. I think I was only 10 and i’t’s been over 15 years since I learnt about it. His mistress used a burner account on FB to DM me. Imagine how it must’ve feelt to realize that this was not a spam account.

Anyway, he apparently broke ties with that woman. What hurt me was that so many people knew. The paternal side. Grandmama, aunt, and worst, my own mother. He still was gross though. He cheated while my mother was pregnant with my siblings. He cheated when my mother got sick. And my mother was ready to divorce, but he said he’d change.

He didn’t. It’s 2025 and I learnt again, against my own will. That my father is disgusting. Paying people for pictures. Or paying people bc he can. Like a sugar daddy. Saying he wants to meet up with different women. Chatting them up while he’s around us. Coming home late with lies that he was out with work friends. I know he’s a lonely man and there’s hardly romance between my parents. But is the desire really so insatiable that this is his truth that he wants to live? Behind lies and in locked accounts.

What do I do? I thought of admitting to my mother or siblings that I know. But the power of knowledge has been a burden on me. I can’t do the same to them.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hey @user0606,

Thank you for placing your trust here and for having the courage to put this into words. Sharing doesn’t automatically mean you must act, confront, or decide anything right away. The choice of what comes next still belongs to you, and it’s okay to move at your own pace.

Reading what you went through, it’s important to name how young you were when this first happened. At around 10 years old, your sense of safety, love, and how the world works was still forming. Parents aren’t just people then, their relationship is the world to you. To discover something like this by accident, through a direct intrusion, would have been shocking and deeply destabilising. There was no preparation, no protection, no space for your feelings to land.

What you’re seeing now didn’t begin today. Your father’s behaviour looks like a way he learnt to cope with loneliness and dissatisfaction, but coping mechanisms, whether harmful or not, often operate blindly. They only become meaningful when a person takes responsibility for how their actions align (or don’t) with their values. Understanding this doesn’t excuse what happened, and it doesn’t mean you accept it. It simply explains how someone can keep repeating behaviour without truly changing.

Knowing what you know does not mean you condone it. You, your mother, and anyone affected are dealing with the consequences of something that broke trust and ruptured safety. When safety is damaged at this level, healing isn’t quick or tidy. It takes time, and it often unfolds unevenly.

Carrying this knowledge has clearly placed a heavy burden on you. At 10, you couldn’t possibly have had the understanding or experience to make sense of what you were exposed to. What you’re feeling now, the anger, the sadness, the fear, reflects growth and compassion, not failure. These emotions are surfacing because you’re finally able to name what was once unspeakable.

There aren’t words that can simply lift the guilt or close the wound. Healing can’t be rushed. What “can” help is allowing yourself to recognise each feeling as it comes; anger, sadness, fear… without judging yourself for having them. Finding space, whether here or elsewhere, to process what this has done to your sense of trust and safety is a necessary step, not a selfish one.

For now, it may be enough to focus on what you need to feel grounded again. Over time, values of yours, and eventually shared ones if both your mother and father choose to engage, become the compass for how the future is built.

You don’t have to solve everything today. It’s okay to take this one careful step at a time. If you ever need help with processing what has been described, you can reach out to Mindline at 1771 , a 24/7 helpline and speak to a counsellor to assist you when you are ready. Let us know how you feel?

[Obi_Wan_Kenobi]

Hi @user0606,

I can hear how heavy this burden has been for you. You have carried this knowledge since you were 10 years old, and now you are discovering it’s happening again after all these years. It makes sense that you’d feel torn between wanting to protect your mother and siblings from this pain and feeling exhausted from bearing this secret alone. The fact that you’re even questioning what to do shows how much you care about your family, even while dealing with your own hurt and disappointment about your father’s choices.

This is a lot to process on your own, and you don’t have to carry it alone. If you need further support to work through these feelings and figure out your next steps, Mindline’s First Stop for Mental Health (mindline.sg | First Stop for Mental Health Support in Singapore) can connect you with professional guidance.

Sometimes, having a neutral space to talk through something this complex can help clarify what feels right for you, whether that’s eventually sharing what you know, setting boundaries for yourself, or finding other ways to cope with this situation.

[nafas]

Hi @user0606,

The weight you’ve carried for the past 15 years is understandably exhausting. It makes sense that it still hurts, not just because it happened, but because your sense of trust within your family was shattered at such a young age. And because it never really stopped.

It sounds incredibly painful to have held this alone, while also feeling responsible for protecting your mother and siblings from the same burden. That’s a horrible position for a child to be placed in, and it never should have been yours to carry.

Knowing that others were aware, yet no one intervened, can feel like another betrayal. That silence hurts.

You’re not wrong for feeling disgusted or conflicted. And you’re not obligated to decide now whether to speak or stay silent. None of this means the responsibility to fix it or reveal it rests on you.

If it feels like something needs to happen now, it might help to ask yourself what would genuinely feel supportive for you, whether that’s honesty within the family, or simply having space to finally acknowledge and work through the pain you’ve been carrying.

Thank you for trusting us with something so painful. You’re not alone here. Take care.