Late night thoughts

Hangouts Rants
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Recently I struggle with eating. My friend who has an eating disorder has been my friend since we were 13, and I have always struggled with similar issues. I avoid it, I run from the fact that my friend might be triggering me more than I like to, although I have set my boundaries, seeing her is a reminder of the feeling that I should eat less.

Anyway, that’s not the main issue I was thinking about today. Today I cleaned up my room a little, and threw away some gifts I wanted to give for a very toxic friend of 4 years. Not just toxic, straight up abusive. I didn’t even know how traumatic a friendship can be, that started out so pure, turned into something that messes me up even years later. I never acknowledged to myself that I was not the one at fault, until my counselor brought it up and made me realize that I was, at the end of the day, a kid who wanted friends. I wanted to believe people can be nice, I wanted to believe that friendships don’t end up in flames. I feel childish for still thinking about this, honestly, but there’s scars all over my arms, how can I forget?

I grew up bullied, hit and many people spread rumours, pretended to be my friend to sell me out. Adults in my life saw it all, and blamed me. Called me weak. That haunts me constantly. The feeling that it’s always my fault. It eats me up, the feeling of a fraud, I can’t even let myself be vulnerable with my friends because of the trust issues I have. Most of my close friends don’t even know I was bullied, and this is something that makes me feel like a liar. Not even with my family. I genuinely have a problem, and now that I’m working 9-5, I get distracted but it’s nights like this I remember that it still hurts a lot.

I wonder when I’ll heal. I hope the day will come soon where I don’t feel like tearing myself up just recalling a single memory.

I wish I could say to my younger self,” You shouldn’t be trying so hard to make people stay, and you deserve better than friends who turn a blind eye to the bullying you received.”

“It’s not your fault. You were just a kid who wanted to be loved.”

“You’re loved, and you don’t know it yet, but you will believe that you’ll get better one day.”

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Hi @user7720,

It sounds like you’re carrying layers of pain that began when you were very young, learning early that closeness could be dangerous and that your needs might be blamed, minimized, or used against you.

Moments like seeing a friend or throwing away old gifts can reopen those wounds and stir up the old belief that everything is somehow your fault. I hear that it’s hard is to sit with the grief of abusive friendships, the confusion of being a child who only wanted connection, and the loneliness of holding this history mostly on your own while appearing fine to the people around you.

I’d like to gently assure you that none of that makes you childish or a fraud. It makes you someone whose trust was repeatedly broken and who learned to survive by staying guarded. The fact that you can name this now, feel compassion for your younger self, and recognize that you deserved protection and kindness says a lot about your strength.

Even if healing feels slow and uneven, the hope you hold for a future where these memories don’t tear you apart is already a quiet proof that you’re moving toward something gentler.