Fear of bad future and letting go the memory of bad past.

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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These years, I fight memories of what he did. I can no longer convince myself that time heals because I still cannot walk myself out of the trauma. His chat with her replay endlessly in my mind, and every word still cuts deeply.

Other than that, now I have to painfully process the hard truth that all those work trips or drinking sessions he had, there’s many more secretive arrangement.

I cannot digest the reality of him being accompanied by girls during all his drinking, nor can I accept the arrangements he made for girls to be in his room for massages, or perhaps something even more hideous.

And that is the painful contradiction I live with. Part of me knows he wounded me deeply, yet another part of me still searches for comfort from the same person who hurt me.

Somewhere along the way, no one ever stopped to ask what happened to my happiness. I was taking care of everybody while nobody is taking care of me.

He moved on from his mistakes, but I’m still carrying the weight of them while trying to love him the same way as before.

When those bad flashbacks comes, I can’t sleep, I get bad headache. Some days the urge of ending everything was so strong…

I’ve suppressed this and being alone for too long..

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Hey @Sameadulting,

Sorry to hear of your hurt and suffering. Reading your words, “Part of me knows he wounded me deeply, yet another part of me still searches for comfort from the same person who hurt me” stood out. Sometimes when trust has been affected in a relationship, people can find themselves wanting comfort from the same person who caused the hurt. Those experiences can exist together and can feel confusing.

I noticed how you described memories replaying repeatedly and new information becoming difficult to process. When trust in a relationship has been shaken, it is common for the mind to keep returning to conversations, situations, or unanswered questions. Sometimes it can be the mind trying to understand what happened and make sense of things that no longer fit with what was previously believed.

Reading your post, I hear sadness, but I also wonder whether there is hurt and anger sitting alongside it too. You wrote, “I was taking care of everybody while nobody is taking care of me.” Carrying responsibilities for others while trying to process your own emotions can become tiring over time.

I also wonder if part of the pain comes from the meaning the relationship held for you. Relationships are often built through shared memories, routines and hopes. When trust changes, it is not only the present situation that gets affected; sometimes people also find themselves grieving what the relationship represented to them.

I am concerned when you shared that “some days the urge of ending everything was so strong.” Can I gently check whether you are safe at the moment?

You also mentioned keeping this inside and being alone with it for a long time. If there are trusted family members or people close to you, consider allowing them to support you through this period. You do not need to work through everything by yourself.

If you feel open to speaking with someone, you can also contact National Mindline at 1771 to speak with a counsellor.

For now, there may not be a need to find answers to every question immediately. Sometimes when there is a lot of confusion and hurt, it can help to give yourself time rather than feeling pressured to make sense of everything at once. If you are comfortable, spend some time with people you trust, even if it is something simple like going for a walk or sitting with someone who can listen.

You have spent a long time attending to others. It may also be important to allow others to attend to you during this period as well. So do reach out to 1771 whenever you feel ready.