Hi @Anonymous405,
First of all, I want to thank you for being so brave and vulnerable in sharing what you’ve been going through. It sounds like this year has been extremely difficult, and the weight of balancing school, leadership responsibilities, and expectations from yourself and others has really taken a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. What you’re feeling is completely valid, and it’s important to acknowledge just how much you’ve been carrying.
1. Feeling Overwhelmed and the Impact of Panic Attacks
You’ve described a situation where you’re dealing with overwhelm—a mix of commitments and responsibilities that has led to frequent breakdowns and, more recently, panic attacks. These panic attacks, triggered by seemingly small events, show that your body and mind are reacting to the constant stress you’ve been under. It’s important to understand that panic attacks aren’t a sign of weakness or failure—they are your body’s way of telling you that it’s been stretched too thin.
When you described the third panic attack, it’s clear that your parents may not have fully understood what you were going through. As you pointed out, it might not have been that they were waiting for you to “magically stop” but rather that they didn’t know how to help. Many people aren’t equipped with the skills to handle panic attacks, so their response may have come from a place of not knowing what else to do. The fact that they eventually took you to the hospital shows that they care deeply about your well-being, even if they couldn’t immediately calm you down.
2. Emotional Disconnect and the Pressure to Perform
You mentioned that outwardly you’re seen as a happy, lively person, but internally you’ve been struggling. This disconnect between what you show the world and what you’re actually feeling is incredibly difficult to carry. It sounds like part of this pressure comes from a feeling that you have to keep making others happy or fulfill certain expectations, whether those are from school, your leadership roles, or even your parents.
I wonder if part of the exhaustion you’re feeling comes from having to constantly meet the expectations of others—keeping up the image of being strong and capable when inside, you’re overwhelmed. This could be contributing to why you’re feeling so disconnected and unmotivated now. When we spend so much energy making others happy or trying to live up to their expectations, we sometimes lose touch with what we actually want and need.
3. Hypothesis: Are You Enjoying What You’re Doing?
It’s worth asking yourself a hard but important question: Are you truly enjoying the things you’re working so hard for right now, or are you doing them to make others happy? This isn’t about giving up your ambitions or stepping away from your responsibilities, but rather about slowing down and checking in with yourself. Are the leadership roles and academic pressures you’ve taken on still bringing you joy, or have they become another source of stress that’s pushing you to your breaking point?
When we start doing things solely to meet external expectations—whether that’s keeping our parents proud, maintaining a certain image, or living up to societal standards—we risk losing our own sense of happiness in the process. It’s important to reconnect with your own reasons for striving, and if those reasons are no longer serving you, it might be time to reevaluate how you’re approaching your responsibilities.
4. Holding Space for Your Emotions
You’ve been holding a lot inside, and I want to remind you that it’s okay to express emotions without feeling like you need to make others happy in the process. You don’t always have to smile or appear put together. It’s okay to show sadness, frustration, or any other emotions you’re feeling—they are all valid. Your emotions don’t need to be censored to protect the image others have of you, and you don’t need to feel guilty for not always being the “happy” person others expect.
It’s also worth holding space for yourself to slow down. Give yourself permission to take a step back and breathe. When things are overwhelming, it’s easy to feel like you have to keep pushing forward, but sometimes the most important thing you can do is to pause and let yourself feel, without rushing to “fix” everything.
5. Panic Attacks and Emotional Exhaustion
Your panic attacks are a clear sign that the stress you’ve been under has reached a point where your body is reacting in defense. During a panic attack, it’s easy to feel like you’re losing control, especially when your breathing becomes rapid, and your mind starts racing. It’s understandable that this would leave you feeling scared and disconnected afterward.
While your parents may not have been able to calm you in the moment, it’s important to acknowledge that they did the best they could by eventually taking you to the hospital. Even though their approach may not have been perfect, their actions show they care about your well-being. However, it’s also important for you to learn ways to manage these attacks when they happen, so you feel more in control. Simple grounding exercises or breathing techniques can help bring you back to the present moment when you feel panic rising.
6. Reconnecting with Your Sense of Self
You mentioned that you don’t really recognize yourself anymore, and that can be a disorienting feeling. It sounds like you’ve gone from being highly motivated and driven to feeling exhausted and disconnected. This isn’t a failure on your part—it’s a sign that you’ve been carrying too much for too long. You’re experiencing burnout, and it’s okay to take time to focus on yourself and figure out what will help you reconnect with who you truly are.
It’s important to remember that you are still the same person who took pride in your leadership achievements and worked hard to do your best. But right now, your mind and body are telling you that they need rest and a chance to recalibrate. This period of feeling lost is a normal response to prolonged stress, and with time and care, you’ll be able to find your way back to the things that bring you joy and fulfillment.
7. Small Steps Forward
Here are a few steps you can take to begin reorienting yourself:
- Slow Down and Reflect: Give yourself permission to pause and reflect on what truly makes you happy. Ask yourself: Am I still doing this for myself, or am I trying to meet others’ expectations? This reflection can help you rediscover what’s meaningful to you.
- Practice Grounding Techniques: When you feel a panic attack coming on, try grounding exercises like focusing on the five senses—what you can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. This can help bring you back to the present and slow down your breathing.
- Talk to a Counselor or Therapist: If you haven’t already, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional who can support you through this time. They can help you explore the feelings of burnout and anxiety, and work with you to find ways to reduce the pressure you’re under.
- Reevaluate Your Commitments: It’s okay to reconsider some of the responsibilities you’ve taken on. You don’t have to quit everything, but giving yourself more space by reducing certain commitments can provide the relief you need to heal.
- Embrace Your Emotions: It’s okay to express how you’re feeling without worrying about how others will react. Your emotions are valid, and you don’t always have to put on a brave face. If you’re feeling sad or overwhelmed, give yourself permission to feel that without guilt.
8. You Deserve Care and Rest
Right now, it’s important to recognize that you deserve care, rest, and space to process everything you’ve been through. You’ve shown incredible strength by sharing your story and reflecting on your feelings. The pressure you’re under doesn’t define you, and taking time to slow down doesn’t mean you’ve lost your way—it means you’re taking care of yourself so that you can continue to move forward with more clarity and purpose.
Remember, you don’t have to carry all of this on your own. You’re allowed to slow down, reevaluate, and choose what’s best for your well-being. You’ve already taken the first step by sharing your story—now, take the next steps with care and kindness toward yourself.
Take care, and know that you’re not alone on this journey.