growing up, i always bottle up my emotions rather than venting it or telling other people, and most of the time i just feel that i cant trust other people enough to actually listen to me and even if i can trust them to do so, it means they are precious to me and i would rather choose to protect them by not burdening them with my life problems. And yEa my whole life, i always choose to deal with my own problems myself and bottle up whatever lemons life throws at me. and i have grown enough to mask my emotions and just be normal on the outside no matter how crushed i am on the inside. basically, just me, myself and i whenever i deal with setbacks and emotions.
and lately, i feel its showing its ugly end. for the past few weeks i felt tht i was in a state of mild depression, exams were coming up and i was just so stressed and so worried of falling, all along i have been doing well in life, good grades, scholarship, happy relationships. and the thing tht pushes me to keep going for greater heights is the fear of falling, cuz im afraid tht one day if i fall, i may never be able to get back up again and i lose everything i hold dear to me… and almost everyday i have tht fear of losing, especially my loved ones.
when grind season/pre exams started, i started having fearful thoughts, sleepless nights, sometimes even crying, not just because of finals, but there were also other factors in play. And as usual, i just bottle it up. but this time, the stress was different, i felt like it took some part out of me and i started having random suicidal thoughts. idk how the psychology works but at some pt my left hand just felt like it was itching for something to just cut it through. and it was so weird because i never had this much stress before. and even then, i cldnt bring myself to tell anyone because they all seemed to be busy w their lives and i js felt that i might turn ppl away frm me when i start telling them abt my problems. aft doing some survey online, it somehow showed tht i had mild depression/poor mental health. And obviously i didnt listen because i felt that i could work it out myself. and the idea of just giving in to the temptations would make life easier for myself and those around me as they have one less person to worry about and that temptation came for so many nights, which was hard to forget, but i just bottle it up and went on with life
and even after exams, what i would do next and worrying about my future makes it even more stressful and i just feel that it never stops. and this poor state of mental health might have caused me to make some bad decisions and let my emotions get the better of me, and i hurt my partner in the process, and she did, too, hurt my feelings. (dont worry, it was not cheating, but i said some hurtful stuff to my partner) at this point, my partner does not know that i was struggling mentally and even until now, my partner is still angry with me and does not want to talk to me. and this fear of potentially losing my partner just hurts so much and given the other stress i am facing, it just made me so scared and the fear of losing my partner because of what i did comes creeping back to me again. and often times during this “argument” period i just feel leaving this world behind might just solve everything, and it just feels as though people were better off without me and maybe me disappearing might have been the key to solving everything. and i cant hurt anyone anymore.
and reflecting it rationally just made me realise im in a quite messed up state and i really dont know what should i even do?
