Lonely and depressed

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Not sure how to talk about all this, apologies if its a mess.

I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely and isolated for the past 7 or so years, im 20 now but was homeschooled out of primary school until I got into college at 18. Haven’t had irl friends in forever and I feel like I’ve missed out on all my teen years. College has been a bust socially due to me being unable to talk much to others because of anxiety and low confidence in myself and my looks. Furthermore my class has always been filled with international students whom I could never relate to. And I find it hard to relate to other Singaporeans as I’ve had such a different and isolated upbringing.

I’ve tried to fill the gaps with online relationships, but those have always crashed and burned because of me. I feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me and no matter how hard I try my self destructive cycle keeps repeating itself. Seeking professional help seems impossible as I’d need my parents to fund it, and they’d never believe or understand my feelings, calling all this mental health stuff nonsense. I’ve tried to talk to them but they just force religion down my throat instead.

I’ve been working on myself and trying to be healthy for the past 2 years but I still lack a lot of confidence and self esteem, even the thought of going out to meet people makes my head spin. Theres a other factors which make it incredibly difficult for me to do it, all of them being out of my control

I know I should just take that first step, I know it’ll be easier afterwards. But for the life of me it just seems so impossible. I feel like I’ll always be this burden and that I should just stay isolated so as to not trouble others. It all hurts so much and I’ve been contemplating suicide and self harm throughout it all. Im trying to be better and hold on, but I’m tired of it all

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Hey @user8319. Thank you for trusting this pace with something so personal and heavy. It sounds like you’ve been carrying years of loneliness, isolation, and misunderstanding completely on your own, and that can leave anyone feeling exhausted and unsure of themselves. Nothing you wrote is “a mess”. It’s actually incredibly brave and honest :blush:

Growing up homeschooled, then suddenly entering college after years without close friends is such a huge shift. That kind of transition can be really overwhelming for anyone, and it sounds like you’ve had to figure out a lot of it without much understanding or support. Anyone in your position might feel confused, disconnected, or even question themselves the way you are now.

And despite all that, you’ve still been trying: working on yourself, trying to form connections, and fighting through the fear of reaching out. Those are not small things. They’re actually really meaningful. They show resilience, hope, and strength you might not even realize you have. Even if progress feels slow, it still reflects dedication, self-awareness, and the desire to grow. I really want to acknowledge you for that.

I’m also really sorry that your parents don’t get it. Being told your feelings don’t matter, or having religion pushed at you instead of support can make everything feel even heavier. Your feelings are valid whether or not they recognize them, okie?

You also mentioned that things have felt heavy enough for thoughts of harming yourself to come up. I’m really glad you shared that instead of holding it in alone. If things ever start feeling too intense or unsafe, there are people you can reach out to anytime:

  • Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767

  • SOS CareText: 9151 1767

  • Mindline 1-771 or WhatsApp 6669-1771

No pressure at all, just options you deserve to have when you shouldn’t be alone with something that heavy.

I hope you can also be gentle with yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’re still trying. That says so much about your strength. And I genuinely wish that the next stretch of your life feels kinder and lighter than what you’ve had to carry so far.

Wishing you gentleness, strength, and moments of light ahead :sunflower:

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Dear @user8319

Thank you for taking the time and making effort to express what you are experiencing.

You don’t need to apologise at all, what you wrote makes a lot of sense and it’s good you shared as I sensed it been on your mind for along time. I can see that you have gone through years of isolation, a very different upbringing, parents who don’t really get what you’re feeling, and college life not meeting your expectations . It’s understandable that you feel lonely, left out, and unsure how to connect. I fully get that you have carried a lot without support.

It also makes sense that online relationships feel very intense and thereafter are painful when they don’t work out. When you haven’t had many chances to practise friendships or relationships in real life, every connection can feel like all-or-nothing, and when something goes wrong, it’s easy to blame yourself.

Please be kind to yourself and do not be discouraged, I believe your experience suggests you are undergoing a learning curve.

I think anyone who has to learn in a challenging environment like you would also find it difficult, so you are not alone.

You shared that you have thoughts of suicide and self-harm. Please know that you do matter. Feeling exhausted and like a burden hardly means the world would be better without you.

I think instead it’s an indication that you need and deserve more care, support, and rest. Please know that you that you are only human for having feelings or needing help.

Because your feelings are this heavy and hurtful, it would really help to please call have the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) at 1767 or the 24/7 mental health helpline mindline at 1771 if you ever feel like you might hurt yourself or things are just too much, just like @ScribblingSunflower has suggested.

These helplines are manned by caring counsellors who are trained to listen and help, and you can stay anonymous. If in immediate danger, please call 995 or 999.

Please seek professional help soon. You fully deserve to feel better and improve your well-being. Counsellors listen unconditionally and can help equip you with skills to handle the loneliness, the fear of meeting people, and the way you talk to yourself in your mind. Take small steps forward and over time you will progress in the direction you seek.:yellow_heart: