(Long post ahead) Toxic or reality but I am weak?

Hangouts 9 to 5
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Hello all, just a bit of myself.. I am currently working in a SME company. Took a 2 years gap year for mental and this is my first full time job. I have been in here for a year already but i am stuck and will need help from experienced people like yall to help me see things or maybe those with similar experience can share about it as well… My postion in this company is very low, just an assistant with salary less than $3K

Working in this company, i am unsure is it because of toxicity or is it just me being weak minded..

Signs that I am not performing well

  1. I am not productive, like i do work very slow but is not like I slack or what, sometimes I am just unsure and stuck

  2. According to my therapist, she say that i carry the unwillingness feeling while working on task, making task much harder.. Another mindset change can be since i am being paid just do according as they want to make my life feel better.

  3. Because of my mental health issues, got brain fog and even forget things very easily despite being said a few times even after recording it down

Signs is my sup

  1. My sup is very double standard. For example, when other people talk to me, she will say I only want to have fun and play, but she often go and find her best friend from another department to chat and talk and even have pantry time. When I sick, she say body heaty can work, when she sick, she will say is cuz of virus and is difficult for her.

  2. Need to constantly follow her instructions, will kena scolded when didnt follow yet will want me to take initiative like bruh.. 3.Always have negative remarks like tsk, haish, “tell you so many donkey times”, “waste my breath to talk to you”, “you got alot of work not completed”," can you just shut the ■■ up","by hook or by crook, need to get it done if not OT. On top of that she is very very sacarstic like “you do lah, you do lor, i dont care about you, since you so zai then you do lah” but yet she did not help me with work.

  3. She will make my effort look small, like “you only do this what, got alot of things meh” “hannor, very little” but actually my task are those that need long, ofc i also know I work slow.. Theres many more red flags but will be too long and didnt wanna overwhelm readers.

Signs could be company

  1. Sometimes they joke amongst themselves and I am like the center of the joke ( which i feel disrespected)

  2. My MC is being very controlled, cannot take mondays and fridays and even when I sick, i cannot MC. Even when on medical check up for mental, i can only take half day not full day whereas other department can take full day. Recently i was sick, fever with 39 degrees, while other department keep asking me take mc, but because I am in an important function, i am not allowed to. 3.Always got adhoc work coming in

Instead of getting guidance I needed, I feel that i am working with them out of fear.. Last time me and my sup used to be close and it was in the basis oft trust but after 6 months, the trust turns to fear and ever since her best friend come in, the fear got worse. Will need your help to help me analyse and whether if shud I quit? Tot of it many times but dont dare to cuz of job market being bad… Oh and my boss wont try to understand cuz my sup is a producer and they bias producers…

Ps yeaterday just heard from boss that my performance not good. Thank you for reading

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Hey @AnxietyEmployee . Thanks for sharing all this. I can really feel how heavy this has been for you. Facing constant criticism, sarcasm, and double standard at work would wear anyone down, especially while trying to manage brain fog and mental health. No wonder you’re torn between wanting to leave and also worrying about the job market.

One thing I notice is how much insight you already have because you’re able to describe not just what’s happening, but also how it affects your motivation, trust, and sense of safety at work. That’s a strength, because it shows you’re actively reflecting instead of just blaming yourself.

Sometimes when environments are unhealthy, we start to internalize the problem as “I’m too weak” or “I’m not good enough,” but from what you’ve shared, it sounds like a lot of what you’re facing has more to do with the culture and treatment around you, not just you. Wanting respect, guidance, and fair treatment isn’t too much, it’s what every worker deserves.

If I were in your shoes, I’d honestly pause before making a yes/no decision. I’d ask myself something like “Is this place hurting my mental health more than it’s helping me pay the bills or gain experience?” If the answer is yes, I’d start planning an exit (even if it takes time). If the answer is no, I might stay a while longer but with the mindset that this is only temporary and I’m building toward something better. What matters is that you’re not stuck forever, you always have a choice, even if it’s a slow one.

You know, the fact that you’ve managed to stay on for a year after a 2-year gap is honestly really impressive. Even when things were difficult, you still showed up. That’s resilience right there. Don’t forget to give yourself credit for that because it says a lot about your strength.

Wishing you clarity and strength as you take your next steps. You deserve a workplace where you feel safe, respected, and supported, ya :sunflower:

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My answer might not be what you hope to hear, but I think it’s maybe a bit of both?

Sounds like you recognise your own areas of improvement well, and that is within your control to work on those for your own sake💪🏼 and if this company allows you to work on these areas, then it is a good place for you to stay and self-improve!!

It also sounds like your manager has her own flaws too >< or that you are not compatible to her style of leadership (hard to judge the quality of her leadership heh), and that is soooo normal~ it’s like any other relationships, need to work through the humps and communicate to resolve conflicts >< sometimes I need to remind myself to not take any of my colleagues’ or bosses’ comments or mannerisms personally because I’m really just assuming with a negative perspective to begin with, like I alr frame them in a way that they do not like me, so every action that seem unfriendly I would feel like it’s my problem. When actually maybe it’s just how they are!!

For your company policies, it does sound quite restrictive, so it’s up to whether you are willing to accept these terms amongst all the other factors that affects our decisions to stay employed in a company. Can list down the pros and cons and weigh them out to decide if this company is still serving you well~~

Feels like the whole situation is really multi-faceted, so I feel like it doesn’t have to be a quit or not quit decision, it can be a “try to work on some things for x months, while looking for jobs + try building relationships with colleagues in the meantime” kind of an approach moving forward haha

Hope you’ll be able to work something out for yourself so work can become more enjoyable for you!!! :flexed_biceps:t3::flexed_biceps:t3::flexed_biceps:t3:

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Thank you so much for your kind words.. But I am actually critical over my 2 years break (while if u asked me, I actually also enjoyed the first 6 months) but to have such big career gap and yet working for only one year feels more shameful than good when others stayed in SME 4-5 years or have career super long so i find it really paiseh to work this short yet long break.. Not nice on mt resume and i find it less confident to help me find job.

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Hey @AnxietyEmployee I hear you. To be honest, I’ve also had a career break, and I remember how awful it felt at times like the doubt, regret, even grief when I compared myself to friends who were still working. I used to question if the break was even necessary. But over time, I realized it was necessary, because of the lessons and perspective it gave me.

It’s so natural to feel paiseh when comparing ourselves to others with longer stints or smoother resumes. But every career path looks different you see, and a gap doesn’t erase your worth. Those 2 years weren’t wasted because part of it you enjoyed, and the rest was healing, regrouping, or simply living life. That matters too.

One way to reframe is to see the break not as a weakness, but as something that taught you resilience, clarity, perspective and courage. Those don’t show up on a resume, but in the way you carry yourself. And even if this current role feels short, it still proves you can return, adapt, and keep going. That’s already a win. Confidence builds step by step, not all at once.

Sending you strength, okie? You’re already doing more than you give yourself credit for :sunflower:

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Ive been in yr position before. Smes are quite stingy / demoralzing, everything pkl. Ehh if u are sick got to take mc. Dun sacrifice health

After gg thru a few, finally i found my current flexi one, im also not earning high. But im ok with the mnc culture

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Clear signs the issue is the company and your superior.

I’ve had a fair share of working with good companies and toxic companies. Good managers /company will empower you (manager guide you, support you, provide you with the resources you need and even give you a bigger scope of responsibilities which will lead to promotion or salary increment once you pick up at your job).

Toxic companies and manager will scrutinize and pick at you no matter what. I had one company where no matter what I do, they zero in on me and pick on the smallest errors I made. Meanwhile, someone else screw up big time (to a point it costs thousands of dollars in damages). Instead of firing this person, she was left off with a warning letter and I got fired. I guess not being the “favorite” makes you collateral damage / scapegoat. Don’t experience what I had to endure. Not worth living your life like this.

Also, best to look at how overall company culture’s like. Your instincts will tell you how they deal with certain situations, hows their flexibility or tolerance like. Yes, nobody likes unemployment but unless you willing to grit your teeth and withstand, better to plan your exit strategy