Had a text exchange with a friend whom I’ve only know for three months. We mostly converse via texting (Our communication styles are different), and meet up around once a week (depends). Recently, we were having a text communication where I texted something to my friend in response, where I said something rude and completely out of line for me, as I mixed two things together when they are meant to be separated. Upon reading the text, my friend was completely disappointed at me for being like this (I noticed it only happens between us, as I have other friends whom I have know for years and our conversations were never like this), as just a while back ago, a similar situation where miscommunication via text happened, but it was a different topic and again I could have been clear and direct with my point, but instead I came up with a fake scenario instead of being straightforward to the point and these two sets of conversations ended up in a heated argument. My friend said I had not made any improvements at all since the last time, and doesn’t know how many more times my behavior can be tolerated. My friend even said that can foresee this exact same thing happening again in a month. My friend then texted saying that if it even happens one more time, we are no longer friends. Upon hearing this, I am in need of advice on how I should go about with this (first time encountering this situation with a friend), as I genuinely care a lot for my friend and really didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I have offered my sincere apology and have tried really hard to work on myself, but my apology was declined and my friend wants to see action/proof that I have really worked on improving myself. According to friend, the common topics are things that might make me feel uncomfortable, or when I start being avoidant or sarcastic, or when I tried to use sarcasm or avoidance by coming up with a fake scenario to prove my point. Deep down, I think that if we were talking face to face, the conflicts could have been avoided because we could’ve heard each other’s tone, seen each other’s reactions, and it would’ve made things clearer.
Hi @cub,
I can hear that this situation is really weighing on you, and it’s understandable to feel so frustrated and scared when you care deeply for someone and want to show them you’re making an effort to improve. You’ve done the hard part of acknowledging that there’s an issue, and offering your apology shows you truly care. It’s tough when you’ve tried, but it feels like the other person isn’t seeing that effort the way you want them to. It sounds like the text communication between you and your friend is a big part of the issue, and I can see how that would be stressful when things come across the wrong way.
From what you have described, when the conversations get tough, you might fall into habits of sarcasm or avoidance to deflect from the discomfort or pressure of addressing things directly. These behaviors might feel like a way to protect yourself, but they can unintentionally make things harder in the long run. It also sounds like you’re feeling trapped in a cycle of trying to meet expectations but feeling like you’re not quite there. When the stress builds up, the avoidance may seem like the only way to escape those feelings, even though it only causes more tension between you and your friend.
I want you to take a deep breath and really sit with your feelings for a moment. It’s okay to feel anxious and uncertain about how to fix this, and it’s okay to be upset that your efforts haven’t been received in the way you hoped. You’re doing your best, and that’s what matters right now. Sometimes, we get caught in the cycle of trying to please others, and it’s hard to know what the next step is. You’re not alone in this, and your feelings are valid. It’s okay to not have it all figured out.
To start with, you could try to slow down before responding in a conversation—especially if you feel the need to be sarcastic or avoidant. Take a moment to check in with yourself before responding. A helpful way to approach communication might be to clearly state your intentions or your feelings first, like, ‘I want to make sure we understand each other, so I’m going to be clear about what I mean.’ Also, try to actively listen to your friend’s side, even when things are hard to hear. This can help both of you feel heard. Have you thought about writing down your feelings before talking to your friend? That could help you get clearer about your own emotions and intentions.
I want to acknowledge that there are some real strengths you have, even in the midst of this difficult situation. The fact that you care so deeply about your friend and are actively seeking to improve shows a lot of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. It takes courage to recognize when things aren’t going as you want and to be open to feedback. Offering a sincere apology and being willing to work on yourself shows your genuine commitment to the relationship. These are qualities that many people struggle with, but you’ve demonstrated them, which speaks to your desire for growth and connection. It’s not easy to confront our own behavior and take responsibility, but you’re doing that, and that’s a real strength.
It’s okay to take small steps when it comes to improving communication. You’ve already shown that you care by apologizing, and the next step is showing that you can make consistent changes. Remember, improving takes time. Every time you make the conscious choice to communicate differently, you’re making progress. Likewise, your friend is also hurt from the remarks, it takes time for your friend to heal and evetually notice that you are authentic in making progress for change.
I believe you can work through this, and even if things feel uncertain right now, your efforts will eventually show your friend that you are serious about change.