My cry for help

RE: studies, stress, friends

I feel like I’m under so much pressure to do well for my O-lvls which are nearing. I have to live up to ppl’s expectations of me and my own expectations of myself. To make things worse, I haven’t done well for my WA2 and I’m starting to lag behind in class (esp Amath). Just the thought of studying makes me feel extremely suffocated, yet I have to force myself to study bcs I just can’t NOT study. I feel like I’m drifting away from my friends, like there’s a vast distance between us and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to close up this increasing distance. I’m trying and trying but it rly feels like I’m not doing enough. It feels like I’m not enough. I’m so tired of it all I just wanna end this all tbh. I’m not suicidal or depressed, I’m just tired. I want a break, but it feels like I shouldn’t. Every rant/vent with my friends is like a cry for help but it feels like these cries go unheard. It feels like they have earplugs on, too busy caring about themselves to bother abt me. But, they also bring me joy at times. They’re great friends but I can’t seem to be real self ard them, it feels like I have to put up the facade of being the bright, smiley friend or they wouldn’t like me.
I feel like crying but I can’t — it’s as if I’m numb. I can’t seem to be happy either, or angry. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been clean for MONTHS but I rly feel like relapsing agn bcs of all the immense pressure, the stress and the numbness. I just wanna feel something again; just wanna feel genuinely happy again, is that rly so hard?

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You deserve a break for working so hard. Sometimes taking a break helps me re-focus and study better. I’m glad your friends bring you joy at times although it seems like you feel that your friends are not hearing you. Would it help if you ask them if they have time and energy to listen to your rants first before actually ranting? Maybe that’ll help put them in an appropriate emotional state to listen to you.