Often at therapy I’ll lie about having intrusive thoughts… I do not have any concrete plans but it’s just hard to even admit that i even vaguely think about them. Getting those words out of my mouth seems really weak, and not admitting them makes me guilty as well.
I’m such a complicated human. Sometimes it feels like I have 1001 tabs open at the same time and I can’t seem to shut them at all. And that’s probably why I’m so tired all day and night.
Life does not seems to get easier these day and I really cannot find any reason to keep going as well. Im just so odd.
Hi there Wildflower, thank you for reaching out today!
It must be really difficult and tiring for you to always fight and push those intrusive thoughts away. It is really common for individuals to hide their intrusive thoughts from their therapist or counsellors out of fear or just finding it hard to say it out loud. That said, it is really important to share with your therapist about those thoughts as that is what therapy is for. Your therapist is not going to judge or see you as weak; they want to know and better understand you so that they can better support you.
The fact that you are able to use the analogy of having 1001 tabs open at the same time and not being to shut them shows you have some awareness of what you are struggling with. That is a really good analogy you could use to share with your therapist too! That kind of mental exhaustion is real and draining in a way that’s hard to explain to people who haven’t felt it. You’re not odd. You’re someone carrying a lot, probably more than most people around you realise.
On the part of you not being to find any reason to keep going coupled with the intrusive thoughts, can you tell me more about what you mean by that? I just want to understand better where you are at mentally right now. If you are uncomfortable in sharing with me here, you can always reach out to Mindline by call 1771 or Whatapping at 6669 1771 or SOS at 1767. Please do not feel that you have to fight it alone, there are always support out there that you need and deserve.
Hi @Wildflower, thanks for writing in to us again! It brings warmth to my heart to see a regular user on Let’s Talk.
After reading what you shared, it sounds quite exhausting to carry the weight of those “1001 open tabs” all by yourself. However, please know that struggling with these thoughts doesn’t make you weak or odd. TBVH, I kinda feel like those labels you’re putting on yourself are a bit too harsh and might be affecting your self-esteem.
You don’t have to navigate this overwhelming burden or the guilt of holding back alone, and there is absolutely no shame in needing a safe space to unload it all. Since you are already in therapy, you likely have a good understanding of what isn’t working for you, and I can see that you’re making an effort to change.
Whenever you feel ready, sharing even a tiny fraction of what’s happening in your mind with your therapist could be the first step toward finally closing some of those exhausting tabs.
You see, that is the reason why I hesitate sharing about my thoughts. People just want to know more or they freak out knowing that I get intrusive thoughts.
I kinda beat myself up over having them as well but sometimes I can’t help it too. Yet it’s hard to admit to anyone that I am having such thoughts.
Anyway back to everyone’s curiosity, I just find no meaning lately ever since the passing of my fur kid. I used to think I’ll live as long as he is alive. Now that he’s gone, I have no new goal/anchor to keep me on this earth anymore.