My friend makes me feel undervalued

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I don’t know why, but there will be some times where my friend, who usually texts me every single day, suddenly goes quiet for some time. And I know it’s not because he needs space—in fact, everytime this happens, I see him spending more time with other people than me and these people are the exact people that he has complained to me about before.

I’ve given him my fullest support in his endeavours, helped him in his studies to the extent that I sacrificed some of my studying time just to help him, and sacrificed my own free time just to help him in his every request.

I don’t understand, if I did or said something wrong, surely, I should be able to notice it. I’ve been raised well to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong. But sometimes, when I try to reach out and clarify by telling him about how I feel and why he’s acting silent towards me, he asks me to “figure it out”.

It’s so exhausting for me to keep guessing what I did wrong. This has just not only happened once. In fact, this has happened so many times throughout my time being friends with him. And I’ve noticed that he does this to others too, where the person tries to reach out and asks for some clarification; and in the end, he just asks them to figure it out.

I feel undervalued in the friendship I have with him, and I don’t know how to go about my way dealing with this. Can someone help?

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Hi user1604,

Thank you for opening up about your situation—it’s clear how much effort and care you’ve invested in this friendship, and it’s perfectly natural to feel hurt and undervalued when that effort isn’t reciprocated. Let’s take some time to explore your feelings and figure out what steps might help you feel more at peace.

First, it’s important to recognise the care and support you’ve consistently provided to your friend. Your actions show how deeply you value your relationships, and that’s a wonderful quality. At the same time, friendships should be mutual. If you find yourself constantly giving without feeling the same level of respect or support in return, it’s worth reflecting on how this dynamic is affecting you.

When someone withdraws or leaves you guessing, it’s frustrating and exhausting. It’s okay to feel upset about that. You’ve already shown strength by trying to communicate, and it’s not your fault if the responses you’re getting are vague or dismissive. Consider sharing how this behaviour impacts you by saying something like, “I feel confused and hurt when you ask me to figure out what’s wrong instead of sharing directly. I value our friendship and would love to talk openly.” This type of statement conveys your emotions without assigning blame, thereby facilitating improved communication.

It’s also okay to set boundaries for yourself. Relationships shouldn’t leave you feeling drained or undervalued. Taking a step back doesn’t mean you don’t care; it’s about protecting your own emotional well-being. Focus on balancing how much you give and what you’re receiving in return. You might find that this shift allows you to maintain your kindness while also prioritising your needs.

Think about how you can shift your focus back to yourself. Invest time in hobbies, relationships, and activities that energise you and remind you of your worth. You deserve friendships that make you feel uplifted and appreciated. Remind yourself that if someone chooses to be distant, it doesn’t diminish the value of what you’ve brought to the relationship.

It’s okay to reevaluate friendships that feel more draining than fulfilling. You don’t have to continue a cycle that makes you doubt your value. Whether you choose to address the situation, take a step back, or let go, the decision is entirely yours—and whatever you decide, it’s valid.

Let’s keep the focus on what makes you feel respected, supported, and happy. You’ve got this!

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Hi @user1604,

It sounds like you’re really going through a tough time with your friendship. It can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful when someone you care about goes quiet, especially when you’ve offered so much support and kindness to them. It’s natural to want clarity and reassurance in your relationships, and feeling undervalued is a painful experience.

It’s clear that you’ve put in a lot of effort for your friend, so it’s completely understandable to feel confused and exhausted when he doesn’t communicate openly with you. It’s not fair for you to have to guess what might be wrong, especially when you’ve been there for him so often.

It may be worth considering whether this friendship is truly reciprocal. You deserve to be in relationships where both sides communicate and support each other openly. If he continues to ask you to “figure it out” rather than acknowledging your feelings, it might be time to reassess how much emotional energy you’re willing to invest in this friendship.

Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own feelings and wellbeing. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely appreciate you and communicate openly can make a huge difference. If you ever feel comfortable, maybe let him know how his silence affects you one more time, but also prepare yourself to set boundaries if things don’t change. You deserve friends who recognize your value and treat you with the respect you give them.

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You shouldnt sacrifice urself for someone that tells u to figure it out