I want to get better but I’m always back to square one.
I always get scared and panicked easily and blabbered out stupid things without ever thinking or processing through my brain and unintentionally angered my friend. I tried to calm down by take a few breaths but I still couldn’t think properly and due to panick, I forgot the previous converstion/question what my friend said/asked like in a few seconds. I also forget lots of things like my past promises and mistakes I’ve made to my friend and I still made the same mistakes by not thinking before answering, not being attentive in terms of listening and dragging out the conversation which I could have just said that I do not know (it was the one time, when my friend asked me a question about what ‘class’ is in programming, I do not know and chatgptted and still do not know but instead of saying ‘i don’t know’, I tried to answer and going back and forth, my friend called me out that I should have just said that I do not know and honestly, I should have said that but it didn’t come into my mind). I couldn’t even talk properly and even stutter which my friend is pissed about because there’s nothing to be scared of if I just said it out loud which I tried to but forget. I tried to keep a look out on those mistakes that might appear in situation but the more I look out/scared, the more it happens and at the same time, I could not tell myself not to think too much about the mistakes because if I don’t think about it, it will repeat again too. I graduated from poly but I forgotten all the things I learn from there too and entering university with an exemption to year 2. I want to work hard but as much as I study and understand, I forget easily and I’m afraid it would strain with my relationship with my friend, future friends and my future career. According to Google, I might have a brain fog which I find it true, I couldn’t focus nor think properly, forget easily and couldn’t speak properly and very slow in terms of processing each sentence people have to say. I’m unconfident, indecisive and quite oblivious. I’m easily scared and panicked whenever I get questioned because the first instinct I thought of is that ‘did I make a mistake again?’ and overthinking too much including simple questions. What can I do? I do not know because I’m scared it is wrong and I’m slowly starting to exercise bit by bit and trying my best to get enough sleep. But I’m anxious and scared what if I make the same mistake and feel like I went back to square one again and I also don’t want to tire my friend by upsetting him and giving him false hope whenever I said I will do better and then repeat the same thing again. As much as I want to say it out on what I think but at the same time, I do not know if its correct or right to say in a very tense situation and overthink everything. (How I get scared easily is because in the past, I get scolded and shouted a lot by my parents although I do not remember but I believe I did do stupid things many times.)
Thank you for being upfront and brave in sharing what you are experiencing. Your feelings of anxiety, self-doubt and low confidence are fully understandable and valid given how challenging your childhood was. Please do take heart and know that you are not alone. With self-awareness and the determined disposition that you possess, I believe you will be able to successfully overcome the setbacks of the past and the challenges faced ahead. There are strategies and steps to unlearn some of the beliefs that were formed since young which I hope you consider .
a) Speak to your school counsellor who can provide a safe space for you to process some of the unhelpful thinking patterns (such as overthinking) and core beliefs and reframe them to more useful thoughts and beliefs. Additionally, it will be an opportunity to articulate your values and identify what you want.
By self-evaluating current actions and their effectiveness, and choosing changes to be made, you could chart ways to move closer towards what you want.
b) Improve communication skills. Work on active listening, clarifying questions and expressing yourself clearly. Instead of rushing to answer with a "Yes’, actively choose to slow down, reflect and think before responding. Practise saying ‘No’, or say ‘let me think about it and get back to you’. Slowly you will gain more confidence in your decision making and articulating your thoughts and views. It will be uncomfortable at first when you say ‘No’; go through with it nevertheless and you can get more confident over time.
c) Build confidence. Write down your achievements, celebrate even small ones, focus on strengths and choose to hold negative thoughts loosely instead of fusing with them. It is only human to make mistakes, and everyone makes them. Forgive yourself, learn from them and choose to focus on looking forward.
d) Address the brain fog. Keep up the good work of exercising, healthy meals and sleeping adequately. If brain fog continues, consider seeking medical help/opinion.
Seek to improve daily, even if it is a small change. Target to be a better version of yourself today than you were the day before. Gradual improvement and adopting a growth mindset are sustainable ways to enhance yourself. Always remember to be kind to yourself for past mistakes or missteps and acknowledge changes will take time. You can do this!
I can sense that you are quite anxious about how you should respond to other people. Additionally, I am also very sorry to hear about being exposed to verbal criticisms from your parents growing up. I understand that you are struggling with processing sentences and focusing on conversations. As someone who had also struggled with a brain fog 2 years ago, it can be very frustrating not being able to have simple conversations with friends as it can be hard to concentrate.
If I may offer some words to you, I would like to say that you seem like a very caring individual who wants to help others to the best of your abilities. Although you were unsure of how to answer the question on programming, you still tried to help them out!
Alot of the anxiety I am sensing through this post could have originated with constantly being scolded by your parent as mentioned towards the end of your post. Would you want to try counselling? If you are worried about costs, there are many free resources out there like TOUCH community services and Feiyue community services. Both organisations provide counselling
Another thing that helped me with overthinking was reminding myself that if no one said to me directly that I am a terrible and useless person, there is no reason why I should see myself as terrible and useless.
Lastly, another thing that helped me was journaling. When expressing myself verbally was quite difficult, I sought to write in a journal instead as an anxiety outlet. Do not worry, there are no strict formats on how to journal. It can be one word, one sentence, one paragraph and even a few pages. I find that rereading what I wrote gives me a clearer picture of what I am going through and may even help me find a solution.
Overall, you seem like an empathetic and sweet person
I hope that you can seek the help you need! Do understand that the healing journey may not always be linear but by taking care of yourself more and finding some confidence back, getting out of this mind fog is not entirely impossible
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