Overwhelmed with a Thought

Ask a Therapist Coping
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Sometimes I feel like everyone around me was given a manual on how to survive in this world and for some reason, I was missed out.

They say comparison is the thief of joy, and I know that all too well. But it feels like if you don’t compare yourself to the people around you, you’ll never be able to survive. I feel like I need to work myself to literal death in order to just be enough.

I need to watch my lectures, make my notes, study for quizzes, finish my assignments. I have to show up to classes to maintain participation and meet my group mates. I have extracurricular activities and volunteer work responsibilities to attend to. I have family and friends to be with. I need to eat, sleep, do chores, maintain myself. I have interests I want to engage in and hobbies I want to do. I barely have enough time to fit all of this into a 24 hour day.

But every single day I’m bombarded with reminders that I am not doing enough. While I’m doing all of these, my career office is reminding me that “other students are joining hackathons and competitions, so why aren’t you?”. I see my peers on LinkedIn securing internships and mentors while I myself don’t even know how to take the first step. I’m watching old friends go out on group dates while I can barely make time to show up because I have the test the next day. There’s more that I can do. I need to upskill, I need to make money, I need to draft resumes, I need to find internships, I need to network, I need to make more friends, I need to volunteer more, I need to have more leadership positions …

I’m not in a bad position. I have people that love me, I am financially stable, and I’m currently a FCH student with multiple wonderful opportunities laid out for me. I am very lucky. But I am so, so tired. I feel like if I push myself further, I’m going to pass out from exhaustion. Yet at the same time, I have no choice but to do so. Or I’ll fall behind my peers who have everything that I don’t, I’ll never be able to catch up, and like my career office said; I’ll “still have no full-time job 6 months past graduation”. So I just have to move forward.

I know that this is going to hurt me if I don’t keep myself in check, but I seriously don’t know what to do. I’ve realised that I’ve begun to put important things in the backseat; I’ve been guilty of being snappy with my loved ones, and I haven’t really had the time to sit down and disconnect from the world for a bit. All I want is to be enough so that I can survive. I’ve spent all 20 years of my life working hard to secure a future I can enjoy, but every day feels like a step closer to having it all pulled away from under me.

Just needed to let this off my shoulders as it’s been bothering me for weeks on end :frowning:

(P.S. Hoping this is the right topic thread, do let me know if I’ve made a mistake)

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Dear @moguri

Thank you for writing in, yes please know this is the correct forum to reach out. It’s a good first step that you wrote in and it signals that you want to take positive action to overcome the current overwhelm you are experiencing.

I think it’s fully relatable that you are feeling overwhelmed. You have many things to do, multiple roles and responsibilities and have set very high standards for yourself. It almost feels like if you slow down, you will get left behind.

Please know that you are more than enough and you may be surprised to know that inwardly, many of those around you would be struggling too, but don’t show it. They are also trying their best just like you.

I recommend that you prioritise what you need to do to achieve your main goals in areas of your life including school, career, social, family and health/wellbeing and focus on them first. Spend some time to strategise your approach that can help you achieve your goals in these domains.

I have observed from my own experience that comparing with others can help to a certain extent to spur us on, but comparing can hurt us too, as we are all different in ability, talent and gifts.

Taking time every day to rest and to spend on recharging is also very important for our overall wellbeing. For example exercising can help manage moods and promotes positivity. Spending time with loved ones too can help hedge against stresses.

I can already see you practise gratitude for what you are blessed with which is laudable, so do keep it up! I encourage you to take things one day at a time to manage your energy and run your own race. You are already winning! And keep reaching out here whenever needed for additional support. :yellow_heart:

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Oh my gosh, I feel the same way too. But honestly, I take extra effort to assure myself that I’m doing well. I use mindfulness techniques in the morning to list out all the battles I’ve fought successfully, and the fires I have put out in my life. Even when a worry pops up, these assurances just helps to silence them.

Actually, the fact that you are not okay with these comparisons is a good sign in my opinion. If you really want to compare with someone, compare with yourself - at least the younger you. I often use the idea that we must make our younger self proud and older self content for our current decisions.

And for the hackathons part, I feel you! Actually I found one really useful resource amidst such emails, which is a virtual job experience portal called Forage. There isn’t much of a strict commitment, but you need to complete tasks that your potential employer might ask you to do while working in that job on site. Unfortunately there’s no pay, but might you’ll gain experience and get certified. I completed 2 experiences and I started to get noticed when I posted on LinkedIn.:smiling_face_with_sunglasses:

Hope this helps!

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Hi @CaringBee , thanks for the encouraging message! :smiling_face_with_tear:

I’ve been trying to set aside some time for myself everyday but it’s a little hard for my ever-racing mind. Sometimes while taking a break I’ll start thinking about the productive things I could be doing instead of writing short stories about my own characters, for example. Then I’ll start getting anxious, and I’ll hop back into work…

But I’ll try my best. Maybe tomorrow I’ll dedicate an hour to catching up on a video game I haven’t played in a while; it’s a distracting enough hobby that won’t let my mind wander off to other thoughts.

The priorities thing seems wise, I’ll probably work on that. At first glance it seems a little tough to put some of the important things like networking and case competitions on the backseat, but maybe it’ll take some time for all of it to be sorted out? Hopefully it works out eventually. :folded_hands:

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Hey @lovelychange , nice to meet someone in a similar boat haha. And thanks for your reply!

The “comparison with yourself” idea isn’t new, I hear it all the time. This is more of a personal gripe but this is something I struggle with a lot … it might be because of my terrible self-esteem, so it’s hard to see myself as someone who’s enough. I’m currently working on it by stepping out of my comfort zone but it’s been tough … but I suppose like all things it’s all in a matter of time. I’ll keep your advice in mind though, I’ve never thought about the second part of making your older self content.

That aside, thank you so much for the resource. Recently I’ve been wondering if doing LinkedIn Learning certificates would be enough for employers to consider me, and I’ve been stressing out over the hackathon thing because a lot of my peers have just wrapped up their own. I’ve been looking at the website and it’s really interesting, I really like the concept of “playing pretend” as a employee of these companies XD. And it’s great that commitment isn’t strictly enforced, so I can take things at my own pace (e.g., taper off a little when finals come up)!

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Dear @moguri

Thank you for sharing about the tendency of the mind to race when you are spending time on hobbies such as writing short stories. Understandably, there are thoughts the mind generates that you should not be spending time on the hobby as it takes away time from other areas.
Acknowledge these thoughts the mind is generating and remind yourself that your hobby is important too; you are a responsible person and have allocated time for the other priorities after this.

Being mindful of thoughts can help us from getting swept away by them and reduce guilt tripping.

Thank you too for the openness to try out the suggestions. I agree it will take time so keep trying and adjusting what works best. Be kind to yourself if it doesn’t go all according to plan immediately. I am confident you will strike the right balance after some trying. Keep going!:yellow_heart: