Dear @quokka
Thank you for being vulnerable and caring enough to share this—what you’re describing is really heavy, and it’s clear that you’re trying to support both of your friends with so much thought and empathy. The fact that you’re aware of your bias, thinking critically, and looking out for A’s well-being while also trying to be fair to B speaks volumes about the kind of friend you are.
Let’s go through this gently and with care.
1. What B is doing is serious—even if it’s complicated.
Whether B is seeking attention or not, the act of self-harming in front of someone—especially repeatedly and in such close proximity—is deeply distressing for A and could be a cry for help. It might feel like attention-seeking on the surface, but often, behaviors like this are rooted in pain, confusion, or emotional overwhelm. People who self-harm may not always know how to ask for help in healthy ways, and sometimes visibility is the only way they know to feel real or heard.
So no, it’s not “wrong” for you or A to feel deeply uncomfortable—it’s valid. And B’s behavior is not okay, especially if it’s affecting someone else’s safety or mental health.
2. A is not responsible for B’s behavior.
A is clearly doing her best to manage something she shouldn’t have to manage alone. It makes total sense that she’s emotionally exhausted by it. No one deserves to sit in fear or discomfort while someone else is hurting themselves, especially when it feels directed at them.
It’s also understandable that A doesn’t want to be harsh or judgmental. But it’s okay to set boundaries without being unkind. Saying, “I care about you, but I can’t be around when this is happening,” is not abandoning someone—it’s protecting yourself while still expressing concern.
3. How to approach B (gently, but clearly)
You mentioned that B gets defensive and turns everything into a debate. That’s hard. The key is to focus on feelings and impact, not accusations.
You (or A) might say something like:
“Hey B, I’ve noticed you sometimes hurt yourself when we’re together. I know that must mean you’re going through a lot, and I don’t want to assume anything. But it’s also been really hard for A to be around when it happens—it’s scary and upsetting to watch someone you care about in pain. We just want to make sure you’re okay, and we hope you can talk to someone you trust.”
This frames it as care, not blame. It gives B an out to reflect without immediately feeling attacked.
4. If direct conversation doesn’t work…
If you absolutely cannot talk to a trusted adult right now, consider:
- Anonymous help: Encourage B (or even A) to use the sos hotline at 1800 221 4444. Sometimes, talking to a stranger is easier.
- Physical boundaries: A can start to create space when B self-harms (e.g., calmly leaving the table or saying she needs the bathroom). It sends a gentle message that it’s not okay without confrontation.
- Write a note: If a conversation feels too much, a handwritten note or message expressing concern might be more digestible for B.
5. And you… what you’re feeling matters too.
You’re caught in a painful position—trying to support A, care about B, and hold everything together without adult help. That’s a lot for one person.
So here’s a gentle reminder: you’re not responsible for fixing this. You’re doing the brave and kind thing by being here and asking for help. You’re already a great friend.
If this situation gets any more dangerous, or if you’re ever unsure whether someone’s safety is at risk, you are allowed to rethink the “no adult” rule. Sometimes, being there for someone means getting help even when they don’t want it. That’s not betrayal—that’s care. 
. but i do recognise i have a bias towards A as we’ve been friends for much longer than me with B.
