So I’m in a relationship (6 months) and it has been very intense and loving from the start. He has had a crush on me for a long time and is madly in love with me.
Recently I realised he had lied to me about a few things. Nothing serious, silly things and wa trying to save my feelings over something. One of them was that he went on his lunch early to go buy an iPad and just didn’t tell me, then when he said he got one he lied about when he got it (I found the receipt in his car).
I don’t think he would ever cheat on me but lying even about small things is a huge thing for me. I’ve recently had a gut feeling that he is chatting to his good mated girlfriend and whilst yes he can talk to who he wants, I feel I want to know if he is chatting to someone. When I asked him he did seem defensive asked why it would be a problem. I explained it wouldn’t but would if he kept things from me as I’d said early on that I want us to be open as it’s important to me plus I have trust issues. I should add that I do talk to this girl too but there are loads of things that point towards them chatting.
I am an anxious attachment and am awaiting counselling as well as awaiting ADHD assessment and menopause treatment… I’m a massive overthinker and overanalyze everything.
I’m going to try and have a chat with him this weekend to say that being open is a non negotiable boundary for me and explain that if he is talking I just want to know so it’s open.
I’m so worried as if he still says no I don’t think I’ll believe him and then I’m obviously worried it splits us up due to my lack of trust. The other side of things are that if he does admit it I’ll also have no trust as he’ll have been lying and keeping things from me. I’m so so down on this and crying a lot can anyone please help me? I’ve been trying to use chatGPT but it’s not helping on this occasion.
Thank you for seeking support as you figure out what to do next in this relationship. I’m glad you have reached out!
Firstly, I can see that you value this relationship; there are several good aspects of it which you are thankful and appreciative of.
From your sharing I can see that trust and openness are important values which you hold in high regard. I believe you are hurting right now because there have been incidents when your partner, despite being loving and attentive, has fallen short in this area. Your feelings are understandable and fully valid.
Please do not be discouraged. With the practice of safe open communication between your partner and you and honest sharing on what each of you need, the relationship can certainly improve and greater trust established.
If both of you are agreeable do consider seeing a couple counsellor who is trained in helping couples to pick up skills and techniques that build trust and transparency. The counsellor could also coach you on how best to communicate and accept differences. I have observed that as long as both parties are committed to improve, make positive changes that build influence, friendship and admiration, relationships can get stronger.
Be compassionate to yourself, too, and practise staying in the present moment instead of getting caught up in thoughts which only hurt you unnecessarily.
Do reach out to the supportive community here whenever needed. You fully deserve happiness and fulfilment in this relationship!
I understand how you are feeling. Small lies may seem like no big deal, and if so, then why lie at all, right?
Have you noticed your partner lying more recently, or has he been this way all along? If he has been doing this all along, then that may just be who he is. I have encountered a few people that would lie about absolutely random pointless things, and i guess that is just how they are.
can anyone please help me? I’ve been trying to use chatGPT but it’s not helping on this occasion.