Triggered by past experience, resentment and grudges

Ask a Therapist Treatment & Recovery
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Hi Mano here,
The past week i have been doing my level best to cope and understand myself.
I cant list out every single detail. But to encapsulate, when i see a picture of the person that has hurt me emotionally thru harsh words or thru actions, i want my revenge and make the person feel what i feel.

I think i have bottled up and take the hits over the past 42 years of my existance. I read some of the other post and i understand that my feelings are valid cause i am after all, only human.

What i do not understand is " Why the need for me to make the person that hurt me feel the same ". Eye for an eye. Im no angel but im borderline going to be a villian at some point.

i have tried to just let the memories run in my head and play senarios in my head where i fought back and stood up for myself.

I want to move past this phase and live life in the present.
I understand that there is many nasty and vile people out there and what i remembered from a seminar was that our brains are wired to think of the negative to survive and navigate. But i cant live like this anymore cause with every nasty remark or action i truely feel that i become a doormat that these people can saw or do whatever they want to.

So… Any expert advice on this and how to counter this ?

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Hi ManoEsperanza

Thank you for the immense courage to confront and share your emotional pain. I am sad to hear how much you have endured. Your feelings of hurt and helplessness and the ongoing effects of what you went through are fully valid and understandable.

Your desire for revenge is a natural response to feeling hurt and powerless. However, it’s important to recognise that seeking revenge can lead to a cycle of harm and suffering for both yourself and the other parties involved.

Do consider the following:

  1. Acknowledge your emotions: Validate your feelings, but also recognize the need to break the cycle of hurt and revenge.

  2. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and patience.

  3. Reframe negative thoughts: Challenge those thoughts by finding alternative, balanced perspectives.

  4. Develop assertiveness skills: Learn to express your needs and boundaries without aggression.

  5. Focus on personal growth: Channel your energy into self-improvement and self-care. Live better by making better daily choices on all areas of life. Celebrate small wins and small steps towards your vision of yourself.

  6. Seek support: Share your feelings with trusted friends, family, or a therapist.

Remember, you deserve to heal and move forward. You are 100% not a doormat, and you have the super-power within you to choose how you respond to future challenging situations. Please take small steps towards your goals and dreams. Please keep going, you will get there, taking one steady step at a time! :heart:

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Thanks so much for the reply n advice. I will work on it.

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Hello @ManoEsperanza :wave:t2:! Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling since it is not easy to share such feelings.

It seems like you’re going through a lot and have been carrying a lot of emotional suffering for a long time, and you’re now feeling the impulse to seek revenge. As humans, I believe it is natural for us to want revenge. However, it is good to hear that you have realized that dealing with these feelings is draining and that you are ready to move on :clap:t2:.

Previously, I have had a similar experience. However, I have moved past it. I realized that seeking revenge does not solve the problem and it will eventually become a cycle. In this situation, perhaps we can try to be the bigger person and stop the cycle first. Instead of focusing on seeking revenge, we could shift our focus to healing instead. Letting go doesn’t mean that what they did is right. It indicates you’re not going to allow their behavior to dominate your emotional state anymore. Letting go is a decision to focus on your own personal growth, healing, and tranquility rather than remaining stuck in the past. This takes time and is a process, but it provides significant relief.

It’s good that you desire to live in the present. That desire indicates that you are already on the way to healing. You’ve lived 42 years and learned from your experiences. Now it’s time to concentrate on what provides you joy and contentment.

Anytime you need a listening ear, feel free to pen down your thoughts here :ear:t2:

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thank you @potatooo Its been a journey. Im so fortunate to have this platform to express. Anyways Have a great week :slight_smile:

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