so for some context my father left me when i was a kid, and since then i’ve been coping in many different ways. like i started self harm when i was 12 and smoking at 13. i know its unhealthy and i should seek help, but i feel so pathetic when i rant about things, like i’m supposed to be strong and composed and all that. i also feel like im burdening people with my thoughts because everyone struggles, so why am i special? anyways, the main problem i have now is that i’ve grown attached to one of my teachers, and i’m pretty sure it has something to do with my dads absence. it started off as just a little like infatuation, but it grew a lot, and i’ve become obsessed. (not like obsessed like a stalker, just obsessed in a way that i’m always thinking about him) and it makes me feel disgusting, because i shouldnt have these thoughts, especially not about a teacher. and i always feel this need to get his attention and i get really jealous when other students talk to him. and i feel this connects with my dads absence because i’m looking for someone who’ll take care of me and hive me that attention i craved so badly from my dad that i never got. but maybe i’m spiraling or something
Hi @lightbuttercup9333! Thank you for sharing, what you have described takes alot of self-awareness and it sounds like someone who has been carrying a lot for a long time. I want you to know that it is not pathetic to share about things that has been weighing on you. The fact that other people struggle doesn’t cancel out your pain or make it less real or less deserving of care. That’s not how it works.
The insights that you have about yourself is actually quite striking. You have connected your attachment to your teacher to your father’s absence, you understand the emotional need underneath it and you can see the pattern clearly. That kind of self-reflection isn’t spiralling, it’s actually really perceptive.
I do want to gently point out something you mentioned, the self-harm. That’s not a small thing, and it tells me that for a long time you have been dealing with pain that’s been too big to hold without some kind of outlet. You deserve actual support for that, not just coping mechanisms.
You have been dealing with alot since you were very young, you deserve to have someone who can journey with you and provide the support you needed.
Would you be open to talking to someone that can journey with you? If you are open to it, I would encourage you to reach out to your school counsellor as a first step.
Alternatively, if you would like to speak to someone first, you can also consider giving National Mindline a call at 1771 or WhatsApp them at +6566691771. They can also explore other resources available with you.
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