so for some context my father left me when i was a kid, and since then i’ve been coping in many different ways. like i started self harm when i was 12 and smoking at 13. i know its unhealthy and i should seek help, but i feel so pathetic when i rant about things, like i’m supposed to be strong and composed and all that. i also feel like im burdening people with my thoughts because everyone struggles, so why am i special? anyways, the main problem i have now is that i’ve grown attached to one of my teachers, and i’m pretty sure it has something to do with my dads absence. it started off as just a little like infatuation, but it grew a lot, and i’ve become obsessed. (not like obsessed like a stalker, just obsessed in a way that i’m always thinking about him) and it makes me feel disgusting, because i shouldnt have these thoughts, especially not about a teacher. and i always feel this need to get his attention and i get really jealous when other students talk to him. and i feel this connects with my dads absence because i’m looking for someone who’ll take care of me and hive me that attention i craved so badly from my dad that i never got. but maybe i’m spiraling or something
Hi @lightbuttercup9333! Thank you for sharing, what you have described takes alot of self-awareness and it sounds like someone who has been carrying a lot for a long time. I want you to know that it is not pathetic to share about things that has been weighing on you. The fact that other people struggle doesn’t cancel out your pain or make it less real or less deserving of care. That’s not how it works.
The insights that you have about yourself is actually quite striking. You have connected your attachment to your teacher to your father’s absence, you understand the emotional need underneath it and you can see the pattern clearly. That kind of self-reflection isn’t spiralling, it’s actually really perceptive.
I do want to gently point out something you mentioned, the self-harm. That’s not a small thing, and it tells me that for a long time you have been dealing with pain that’s been too big to hold without some kind of outlet. You deserve actual support for that, not just coping mechanisms.
You have been dealing with alot since you were very young, you deserve to have someone who can journey with you and provide the support you needed.
Would you be open to talking to someone that can journey with you? If you are open to it, I would encourage you to reach out to your school counsellor as a first step.
Alternatively, if you would like to speak to someone first, you can also consider giving National Mindline a call at 1771 or WhatsApp them at +6566691771. They can also explore other resources available with you.
Hi, ive actually been thinking more about reaching out to a school counsellor. But my main issue is that im afraid they will tell my mom, and i want to refrain from that as much as i can because once my teacher saw my arm and i told her it was just cat scratches and then she took a picture of my arm for verification or soemthing and sent it to my mom and then my mom got really pissed and my brother started laughing at me which was actually really hurtful but thankfully they all believed they were cat scratches. Anyways i wanted to talk about what happened today, i had a group consultation with my math teacher, with two of my friends. They both know i do selfharm but i never talk about it so neither do they.
But its taken a lot out of me to process what happened today. Me, my two friends and my math teacher were in the canteen alone doing math right, and then around the end of it as we were almost ending the consult, my teacher suddenly said, ‘and stop cutting yourself.’ And i was pretty shocked, because i didnt know he knew, or even noticed at all. But there were many problems with that, the first one being why did he say it in front of my friends? And secondly why did he ssay it so casually? that really upset me. Self harm is a big thing for me, and i dont tell anyone unless i really really trust them. But the worst thing about all of it was that my friends started laughing at me. It really, really hurtful me, because one of the things i work really hard for is to be taken seriously, and the whole situation was like a physical and mental blow. Everything about what hapened today was so stressful and irritating and i have no one to talk to abut it. Even if i see the school counsellor im definetly not telling them i like my freaking teacher, even after he embarassed me in front of my friends like that.
But he also said that he’d been noticing the marks on my arm for weeks, and that every week he’d see more. But the way he said it so dismissivelly, like i was a problem for him even if i wasnt affecting him, really hurt me too. And while all of this was happening my friends were literally laughing at me. Like genuinely what is so funny. Like yeah ive been hurting myself for years because im really pathetic and i have nobody and thats really funny. Despite what anyone tells me i know i’ll never get better.
But like actually why is everyone laughing. Whats so funny am i missing something??
However, despite his dismissiveness toward my problems and insensitivity i still like him, but now im having mixed feelings. This is really weird to say but everything ive fantasized about him being (caring, helpful and whatevr) is a lie, and i feel like he doesnt really care or enjoy talking to me that much, which again is really hurtful.
And all that stuff about counselling and therapy and whatnot ive heard a million times. I’m just not sure if its the right thing because despite how damaging self harm is i still look to it when i’m stressed or sad or angry, and its always been there for me, like it wont leave me. Its consistent, and thats what i like about it.
I dont really know why im typing all this out actually maybe i just need to get mmy thoughts straight or like validation or something idk