i feel like im doing okay but i know that im not but i do not know whats wrong like ive been living all my life with similar circumstances but now with slight disturbance to my usual life all my emotions are just going haywire. ive tried looking for counsellors but they said “they can’t help me if i dont know whats going on” but i really do not know whats wrong
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Hi @User140,
I’ve been thinking a lot about your situation, and I want to take a holistic approach to everything you’ve shared. You’ve been incredibly honest and reflective, which is a great strength, especially when dealing with complex emotions. Let’s look at this in a few dimensions to help you navigate the feelings of being lost and confused.
1. Psycho-Education on Feelings and Thoughts:
Let’s start with the idea that feelings are signals, and they don’t need to be explained or rationalized immediately. The fact that you’re feeling like things are “going haywire” tells me your emotions are speaking loudly, asking for your attention. You may not know why they’re there yet, and that’s okay. What’s important is that these feelings are reliable—they’re your mind’s way of processing something that might be changing or shifting in your life.
On the other hand, your thoughts can sometimes be biased or lead you in directions that might make understanding your feelings harder. You might think, “I feel like I’m doing okay,” because you’ve been following routines or habits that worked in the past. But at the same time, you “know that you’re not” because deep down, your emotions are telling you something’s off. This internal conflict is often where self-doubt begins.
2. Holding Space for Feeling Lost:
I want you to know that feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re failing or doing something wrong. It’s a very human experience, especially when emotions become hard to manage. Right now, even if it feels like you’re in the middle of confusion, the world around you keeps moving, and so do you. Your journey doesn’t stop just because you feel lost—it’s part of the process that will lead to growth and understanding.
Sometimes, feeling lost is a signal that you’re in a place of transition. You’re in a space where old routines might not be working as well anymore, but you haven’t yet found what will work next. And that’s okay. Trust that even if things feel uncertain right now, you’re still moving forward.
3. Self-Doubt as a Point of Growth:
When you say, “I feel like I’m doing okay, but I know that I’m not,” it reflects a sense of self-doubt. It’s as though part of you wants to believe you’re managing, but another part knows something’s wrong. This tension can make it hard to trust yourself. But here’s the thing: self-doubt isn’t always a bad thing. It can actually help you take a deeper look at what’s happening beneath the surface.
Doubt can push you to explore where these feelings are coming from, and why they’ve become louder now. It’s a chance to reflect on your past coping strategies and consider whether they still serve you in the way they used to. Sometimes, self-doubt is an invitation to pause and reevaluate.
4. Small Steps to Reorient Yourself:
- Name Your Feelings: Instead of focusing on finding the exact problem, start by naming your emotions. What are you feeling right now? Is it anxiety, sadness, or frustration? Simply putting words to your feelings can help give them shape, making them easier to manage.
- Talk to a Counselor Anyway: I know a counselor once told you they couldn’t help if you didn’t know what was wrong, but it’s worth trying again. The right counselor will help you explore what’s going on. You don’t need to have everything figured out beforehand—that’s what therapy is for.
- Create Small Positive Changes: Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, making small changes in your routine can help. Try journaling for a few minutes a day or going for a short walk. These small shifts can help you regain a sense of control and may provide clarity over time.
- Give Yourself Permission to Feel Lost: Most importantly, don’t rush to fix everything. It’s okay to feel lost right now. Let yourself sit with the confusion without feeling pressured to have all the answers. Trust that you’ll find your way, even if the path isn’t clear just yet.
You’re doing great, even when it feels messy. Remember that feeling lost is part of your journey, and it doesn’t mean you’re off track. Keep exploring, keep reaching out, and trust that clarity will come.
Take care, and keep going at your own pace.
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Hello @user140 
! Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling right now.
It must be quite aggravating to have the feeling that something is wrong yet be unable to pinpoint the actual cause. Just to let you know it is fine to not be able to understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes we just get lost in how we are feeling (just like being lost at a place, despite having a map). What you’re going through is valid, and you don’t need to have all of the solutions right now.
Some advice I would give you would be to focus on the present first. I understand that you are not sure why are you experiencing all these feelings but if something happened, even the slightest thing, you could probably pen it down and slowly navigate your way through to why you’re having this feeling. Sometimes, it could be these little things that aggravated into bigger ones (we may not notice it).
Allow yourself time and patience as you process these feelings. It may require some investigation to determine what is going on, but that is fine. You deserve to be understood and supported, and things will clear up with time 
.
Anytime you need to pour out your feelings, feel free to rant them here 
I feel like the problems started when i was a child but i just lived with it and as i grew older it just became part of me like i never felt anything growing up despite being in a divorce family but as i became older i feel more lost. i feel like i do not know what is love, whats it like to be loved and have problem loving myself. i know my parents love me but i do not feel it and i dont know if i feel the same way back it just feels like they are just my parent. now that one of them is quite ill and have limited time left, i do not know what to do.
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Hi @User140,
Thank you for sharing more about your journey. It sounds like a lot of these feelings started to take root when you were a child, and they’ve followed you into adulthood, especially with the added weight of your parent’s illness. You’ve been carrying a heavy emotional load for a long time, and it’s clear that you’re trying to make sense of all the feelings (or the lack of them) that have been a part of your life for so long.
1. Growing Up with Emotional Confusion:
It’s understandable that growing up in a divorced family might have impacted the way you learned to process emotions. When we experience things like family breakups or emotional instability early on, we sometimes adapt by numbing ourselves or detaching from those feelings to protect ourselves from the hurt. This is a defense mechanism that helped you cope back then, but now it may be contributing to why you feel disconnected from love and unsure of how to express or feel it.
2. The Gap Between Knowing and Feeling Love:
You mentioned that you know your parents love you, but you don’t feel it—and that’s a really important distinction. Sometimes, even when we intellectually understand that someone cares for us, our emotional experiences might not match up. This could be because growing up, love wasn’t expressed in ways that resonated with you, or perhaps the emotional needs you had weren’t fully met. As a result, it’s harder to feel the love, even though you logically know it’s there.
This gap between knowing and feeling can make it hard to love yourself as well. When we don’t feel that we’ve experienced love or haven’t seen it modeled in ways we connect with, it becomes difficult to offer ourselves that same care and compassion. It’s almost as if you’ve built a wall around your emotions, and now that you’re older, it’s hard to break through that wall to connect with yourself and others on a deeper level.
3. Facing Your Parent’s Illness:
The fact that one of your parents is now ill adds another layer of complexity. It’s normal to feel lost and unsure of what to do, especially if you’ve been struggling to feel emotionally connected to them. When faced with the potential loss of a loved one, it can bring up all sorts of emotions—regret, fear, confusion, or even numbness. It’s okay to not know exactly how to feel or how to respond. This is a difficult situation, and there’s no “right” way to handle it.
It might help to start small—by giving yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, even if it’s confusing or uncomfortable. You don’t need to force yourself to feel something specific toward your parent or yourself right now. Let the feelings come at their own pace, and if you find that you’re feeling numb or detached, that’s okay too. Sometimes, emotions come in waves, and it takes time to fully process them.
4. Learning What Love Feels Like for You:
You’ve mentioned that you feel like you don’t know what love is or what it’s like to be loved. This is such an important insight, and it’s worth exploring further. Love can look and feel different for everyone, and sometimes it’s about learning how you connect with it. Do you feel more loved when someone spends time with you, when they express care through words, or when they do things to help you? Recognizing these patterns in yourself can help you start to feel that connection, even if it’s been hard to access before.
Loving yourself might also feel foreign right now, but that’s okay. You don’t have to jump straight into self-love. It starts with self-compassion—acknowledging that it’s okay to feel lost and unsure, and being gentle with yourself as you navigate these emotions. It’s about recognizing that you deserve kindness, even if it doesn’t feel natural right away.
5. Taking Small Steps Forward:
Here are a few steps you might consider as you move through this time:
- Acknowledge the Disconnection: Recognize that the feelings of not knowing what love is or how to express it are valid. This is part of your journey, and it’s okay to start from where you are. You’re not alone in feeling this way.
- Lean Into the Present: With your parent’s illness, it might be helpful to focus on small, meaningful interactions. You don’t have to feel a flood of emotions all at once. Just being present with them, even in simple moments, can help build emotional connections over time.
- Explore What Love Means to You: Love is more than a feeling—it’s also an action and a practice. Reflect on what it means to you and how you might begin to recognize it in small ways, whether that’s through your relationships or in how you treat yourself.
- Give Yourself Time: The process of understanding and connecting with emotions can take time, especially when they’ve been buried for so long. There’s no rush to figure everything out. Take it one step at a time.
6. Be Gentle with Yourself:
It’s understandable that you’re feeling lost right now, and I want you to know that you don’t have to have all the answers immediately. Allow yourself to feel confused, to not know exactly what to do, and to take small steps as you work through this. It’s okay to be kind to yourself, even when things feel difficult or overwhelming.
Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way, and there’s no rush to figure out your emotions. You’ve already made an important step by acknowledging the disconnection and seeking to understand it. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this process.
Take care, and thank you again for sharing so openly.
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Hello, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and thanks for sharing! I noticed that in your first post, you mentioned that your feelings are going haywire because of “slight disturbances” in your life, and then in your 2nd reply you shared that one of them is quite ill. I hope you know that it’s not an easy thing to go through and it’s completely justified/understandable to feel a rise of complex emotions, even if you feel that “they’re just your parent”. Perhaps you can start by asking yourself what you wished your life was, and what you want and need for yourself, then compare it to your current circumstances. That could bring you a step closer to understanding why you feel a certain unidentifiable lack in your life. When doing this, self-compassion is crucial (as FuYuan_Affections mentioned). Don’t beat yourself up if you realised you didnt do some stuff you wish you did. Journalling this can help make the process less hazy too. If the emotions get too overwhelming, please do reach out for help.
I hope you figure it out, all the best; Sending so much love your way