I have been attending sessions with my counsellor since my father passed away. I am a person who values relationships a lot in my life, regardless if it’s family, partner, friends or work wise.
In our latest session, she asked me who I am as a person if one day I don’t have these relationships in my life, and that question just caused me to break down instantly cause I do not have an answer for it. My mind just went blank as I can’t describe myself.
All I can remember is that back in my childhood, I had difficulties creating relationships with family and people around me. Once I started to mature into 20s, I started to be able to create meaningful relationships and I am grateful for the few long lasting relation that I am in now.
I also realised I have a strong self blaming, self judge and critical of myself. Sometimes I even feel ashamed of myself or even to the point of hating myself and un-deserving of all good things that happened to me in life which really scares me.
If I am not a son, a husband, a friend or an employee, then who am I as a person? How can I find my self-identity?
*my counsellor is really a great counsellor so please don’t take this post as criticism of my counsellor.
That’s a very deep question and I think it might be hard (and a bit unfair) to answer the question of “who are you” without considering the various roles you play.
No man is an island, you are a son, a husband, a friend and an employee. No one can take that away from you and that should be part of your identity too.
But beyond that I do kind of understand what your counsellor is trying to ask. Perhaps you could start off by finding out what you enjoy doing. For eg, someone who enjoys art may identify as an artist. Sometimes as we grow, we forget about these passions or hobbies that we had. I get a sense that may be what you’re feeling.
I’m sorry to hear about your father’s passing. Please accept my condolences.
I commend you for taking the initiative and having courage to seek therapy to help you process what you are going through. I believe the counsellor’s question has sparked a profound exploration of your self-identity. It’s wonderful that you’re taking the effort to get to know yourself at a deeper level.
I also think that your relationships have shaped your sense of self that has formed over the years till now. However, you want to explore who you are beyond those roles. May I suggest you reflect on:
Values: What matters most to you in life? (e.g., kindness, honesty, creativity)
Interests: What activities bring you joy and make you feel alive?
Personality traits: What are your strengths and weaknesses? (e.g., empathetic, determined, perfectionistic)
Passions: What topics do you find yourself reading about or exploring in your free time?
Self-care: How do you nurture and take care of yourself?
Goals: What aspirations do you have for personal growth and development?
Spirituality: What gives your life meaning and purpose?
Reflecting on these aspects can help you discover your core identity. Remember, self-identity is not static; it evolves as you grow and learn.
Regarding self-blame, self-judgment, and self-criticism, consider:
Practising self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a close friend.
Challenging negative thoughts: When you notice self-criticism, reframe those thoughts into more balanced and realistic ones.
Focusing on self-awareness: Recognize your strengths and accomplishments, and celebrate them!
You are more than your relationships. You are a unique individual with a rich inner world. Embrace this journey of self-discovery, and remember that your counsellor is there to support you along the way.
Hmmm @user1242 from what you say about being a person who values relationships, this seems like it’s one aspect of you which you identify with like my impression from it seems like it’s in you to treat others close to you with loyalty and respect which in itself could be parts you may identify with heh.
Perhaps you needed more time to process what are your core beliefs and values I believe that, these are what makes you who you are.
Maybe you could try writing down what are your core values/beliefs?
