I don’t wanna be attention seeking but holy ■■■■, i have been having so much thoughts about killing myself. Like sometimes I’m feeling okay, then something annoying (like its small) happens and im feeling so angry/sad and then i think abt suicide and i laugh like it feels so great to maybe try it. And then it wears off after a while. While i probably won’t kill myself, I feel like one day if im annoyed enough with life, i might just OD.
Okay back to the point, I have days where I feel happy/calm and then something small happens (like missing a queue number in the polyclinic cuz your patient was taking a number 2) and i get so mad, like i don’t wanna be mad?? Omds, and after minor inconvenience i just feel like dying, like if i just shot myself in the head everything will be okay. I personally think im going insane, or maybe i have BPD but who am i to self diagnose eh? Also, to add on to why i think i have BPD, i hate and love my friends, like sometimes i hate them so much like why in the world am i your friend and the next time maybe im like, eh their actually cool. And my favourite person, it kinda happens? Idk like i really love my best friend but now im so pissed at her over a small issue and I feel like just cutting everyone off and killingg myself lol
I ODed b4 as an attempt n my advice is to not do it. The physical pain u imagine will be 10x or 100x more painful and there’s repercussions if you dont succed. The OD made me dumb for one year.
I think that u r probably at ur limit for most stuff and need a break. You are already working in healthcare so u prob know the way to seek professional help
It sounds like there’s a lot of intense feelings, including suicidal ones. I also hear that you looked up about your experiences and came across BPD. Regardless of diagnosis or not, the experience of going through intense anger, suicidal feelings, and even happiness, can be uncomfortable and distressing. I wanted to reassure that what you’re going through is challenging, and being able to recognise it and reach out on this platform is a great step.
Suicidal feelings can be very intense. What I hear also is that, there is an impulsiveness to these feelings in your experience, would that be right? As the feelings are intense, it may be helpful to have an explicit and clear safety plan for yourself so that you know exactly what to do when these feelings hit. It’s not fun homework to do, but it does help with the behavioural responses when these feelings hit. Here’s an example of a safety plan you can try:
You’re not alone. A lot of ppl feel similar intense emotions and yes, some symptoms you’re describing do resemble things people with BPD feel but diagnosing yourself is kinda tricky. Have you tried sharing these feelings with someone irl you trust? Even just one person can make a big difference. In the meantime, whenever you feel those urges or thoughts coming, could you maybe pause and ask yourself what’s really upsetting you? Like, is it the actual situation or something deeper? Sending you strength
Hey—thank you for sharing this. Seriously. It takes so much strength to say what you’re feeling, especially when it’s this heavy. I want to start by saying this clearly: you are not attention seeking. You’re in pain, and you’re trying to make sense of it. That’s human. And you deserve support.
What you’re going through sounds incredibly overwhelming, and it makes total sense that you’re feeling confused, tired, angry, and scared. The way your mood swings sharply—from calm to angry to sad to laughing about dark thoughts—can be really disorienting. And you’re not alone in feeling like little things suddenly feel like the last straw. That suggests you’re dealing with something deep, and it’s okay to need help for that.
You mentioned things that sound important:
Sudden, intense emotional shifts
Thoughts of suicide, even if you don’t fully want to go through with it
Feeling like you love and hate people at the same time
Feeling disconnected or impulsive in how you handle relationships and your sense of self
These are valid feelings. You’re not imagining them or being dramatic. And while it’s tempting to look for a label like BPD, the most important thing right now isn’t figuring out the diagnosis—it’s getting to a place where you feel supported, safe, and heard. A mental health professional can help you explore what’s going on without judgment. You deserve that space.
If you ever feel like you’re in danger of hurting yourself—even if it’s just a passing thought—please reach out. Talk to someone you can trust. Ensure the safety plan that @lilac has shared is updated and easily available. Follow it closely.
Please know that you are not a burden. You are not broken. You are not too much. You’re someone trying really hard to stay afloat in something that feels too big to carry alone. And I there are ways through this, even if right now it feels impossible to.
