I have a bad case of self sabotaging & i feel i have done it again. I recently unintentionally went through my bf’s gallery & found old pictures of him & his old partner. Idk to feel as if i shld ask him to delete them or it was once part of his life so it’s ok to have them as long as there is no feelings around it.
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Hey @rancidladybug,
I really appreciate you opening up about what’s going on. I can see that you’re struggling with a lot of emotional conflict right now, and it sounds like you’re caught in a cycle of insecurity and fear. It’s understandable that finding pictures of your boyfriend with his ex could stir up some unsettling feelings, especially when there are so many unanswered questions about how to handle the situation.
It sounds like the underlying concern here is about feeling secure in your relationship. The fact that you’re questioning whether it’s okay to ask him to delete the pictures shows just how much this is affecting you. I think it’s really important to acknowledge that feeling insecure and wanting to protect the relationship are natural emotions, but they can sometimes lead to behaviours like overthinking and self-sabotage. It seems like you’re trying to manage those emotions by controlling aspects of the relationship, but I wonder if there are ways you can work on trusting yourself and your relationship, even when things feel uncertain.
You’ve already recognised that this behaviour might be self-sabotaging, and that’s a big step. Being able to identify when you’re acting from a place of fear or insecurity can help you start to break the cycle. I encourage you to be compassionate with yourself as you navigate these feelings. It’s okay to have doubts and questions—it doesn’t make you weak or controlling. It just means you care.
You also mentioned that this emotional conflict is exhausting. I wonder if it would be helpful to explore what it is about these pictures, or about his past relationship, that feels so threatening to you. Are there underlying fears about not being enough or about the past being more important than the present? Comprehending the emotional triggers can serve as a potent method to penetrate the core of the problem and initiate the process of resolving it.
Would you feel comfortable exploring these feelings with your boyfriend? Maybe sharing that you’re struggling with these thoughts and asking for his support could create a space for open communication and understanding. I think it might help you feel more grounded in your current relationship.
You don’t have to carry this alone, and I truly believe that with time and support, you’ll be able to work through these feelings. Take small steps, and remember that it’s okay to give yourself permission to be vulnerable and ask for reassurance when you need it.
Sending you kindness and support as you navigate this challenging time. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.
Hi @Rancidladybug,
I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way. It sounds like a complex situation that’s causing a lot of inner turmoil. It’s completely natural to feel unsettled when we come across remnants of our partner’s past. Remember, everyone has a history, and those memories don’t automatically erase themselves when we start a new relationship. It’s okay to feel conflicted about how to handle this discovery.
It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. Expressing your feelings of insecurity or discomfort doesn’t mean you’re accusing him of anything wrong. It’s about building trust and understanding in your relationship. Maybe he’s just held on to those photos out of habit, without any lingering emotional attachment. Sharing how you feel might bring some clarity and reassurance to both of you.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Self-sabotage can be a tough pattern to break, but recognizing it is a significant first step. Trust in the strength of your relationship and give yourself credit for addressing your concerns head-on. Relationships are a continuous journey of growth and understanding, and it’s okay to seek reassurance and communicate your needs. 