Before we got married and when we first got married, while being happy together, I often felt insecure and would end up trying to check through his phone and messages. I got jealous over female friends that he contacts and got jealous and anxious with past relationships he had though they are all over. I felt insecure all the time. I cannot remember how, but perhaps a year or two into marriage, I stopped feeling this way. But about a few months ago, I found out that he has a hidden album on his phone of sexy photos of females, including some of his friends. I am very sure he isn’t having affair, I trust him for that. But it really hurt me that he keeps a hidden album of boobie friends. I had several conversations with him to talk about my insecurities and he has deleted all the photos. He told me that he just looks at them when he jerks off but he does not love me less. And he has no issues deleting the photos.
I also told him that I am fine with him watching ■■■■ or seeing other girls’ photos if he comes across online or whatever, because to me, it just doesn’t make sense to ask a men to not look.
However, despite being vulnerable and open, and him trying to assure me that he still loves me and will never leave me, I still constantly feel insecure. When I scroll through my own social media and sees pictures of that few friends whose sexy photos he had, or random influencers who have sexy photos posted (whether he follows them or not), I start feeling the ick of insecurities. I feel jealous and anxious and start worrying that he’d like someone else, he might find me ugly.
The logical side of me knows that I am being ridiculous and this makes me cry even more cause I wanna be a confident and secure woman to my man. It sucks that I am constantly insecure and have to go through so much anxiety over my own vulnerability.
I want to be able to trust him because I also see him putting in the effort to assure me. My love language is physical touch and his is totally not. But with our conversations, he has started to hug me more, and hold me more to help me feel more secure. He also texts me more in the day to tell me what he’s doing so that my thoughts dont wander negatively.
I dont know what else I can do to stop feeling this way.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and worries with us. It sounds like you’ve been navigating a complex and challenging situation, and it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do. It’s wonderful to read that you care deeply about your relationship and are committed to working through these feelings. Well done!
Before we get to the uncomfortable feelings, I’d like to take a moment to also recognise the strengths you bring to your relationship. Your openness and vulnerability are powerful tools that foster genuine communication and understanding. It takes a lot of courage and honesty to address these difficult feelings. It takes a lot of strength to confront insecurities and work through them. Your dedication to your relationship and personal growth is truly admirable.Your husband’s responsiveness and willingness to change also highlight a strong foundation of mutual respect and love in your marriage. These strengths can serve as a solid base for addressing and overcoming these challenges. I hope you’ll take a moment to celebrate yourself and your relationship too.
Feelings of insecurity can stem from many places and are not unusual in relationships. It’s good that you’ve communicated your feelings to your husband and that he’s making efforts to reassure you by deleting the photos, increasing physical affection, and keeping you updated throughout the day. This shows a willingness on both sides to work on the relationship.
Here are a few perspectives for you to consider:
Understanding Emotions: Emotions serve as important signals that guide us to understand our internal needs. Often, the strength of our emotions has more to do with past experiences than the present moment. It’s worthwhile to focus on what our emotions are trying to tell us.
Attachment Styles: Understanding attachment styles can offer insights into your feelings. Attachment theory suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant. An anxious attachment style, for example, can lead to feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment in relationships. Recognising your attachment style can help you understand your reactions and work towards a more secure attachment.
Journal Prompts: Writing can be a powerful tool to understand and process your emotions. Here are some journal prompts to help you dig deeper into your insecurity:
What specific situations trigger my feelings of insecurity?
How do I perceive myself and my body image? Are these perceptions accurate?
What can I do to boost my confidence in my sexuality?
Are there any childhood experiences that might be contributing to my current feelings? Did I witness an affair or experience a significant breach of trust?
How did my caregivers respond to my emotional needs growing up? How might this impact my attachment style?
What qualities do I admire in myself and in my relationship?
How can I cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence?
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Practising mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present moment and reduce anxiety. Additionally, try to be kind to yourself and understand that it’s okay to feel vulnerable.
Positive Affirmations: Remind yourself regularly of your worth and the positive aspects of your relationship. This can help shift your focus from insecurity to appreciation. For example, “I am enough just as I am.”
Therapeutic Support: Consider speaking with a therapist or counsellor. They can provide tools and strategies to manage anxiety and insecurity, and help you explore the root causes of these feelings.
Unraveling anxiety and insecurities is a process, and it’s okay to seek help along the way. You’re doing a great job by addressing your feelings and working on them. Be patient with yourself and continue to nurture your relationship with care and understanding.
I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter!
I am keen to seek help but I am not open to face to face counselling at this moment. Are there any resources that I can tap on that provides remote counselling?
SOS: For crises. Provides 24 hour CareText, a text-based service that provides emotional support for those in distress (WhatsApp 9151 1767). They also provide CareMail, an alternative avenue of emotional support for those who prefer to write in via email (pat@sos.org.sg).
Community Psychology Hub: Provides email and text-based counselling for individuals who are above 18-years-old and are facing marital, divorce or parenting difficulties. Operating hours: Mon to Fri, 9am to 6pm (excluding PH)
webCHAT: Provides text-based, in-the-moment support for young people aged 16 - 30 years old residing in Singapore who would like to gain clarity of their situations.
TOUCHline: 1800 377 2252 Mon - Fri: 9am - 6pm
Singapore Association for Mental Health (SAMH): 1800 283 7019 - Mon - Fri: 9am - 6pm (excluding PH)
