For months I feel like i have been stuck in a loop of reflecting on myself and feeling like i wish i was better, more interesting, more fun, more thin, more athletic. There are so many feelings all over the place.
I liked this boy for almost an year now and we spoke quite regularly for a time period but just as friends. We are in the same CCA, thats how we talked and i got to know him more. He constantly helped me whenever i needed help, earlier he even checked up on me asking if im ok because of an incident that had occured in cca where my advisor was kind of rude to me. Because he wad being so nice to me i started liking him and there was a japanese student exchange where we got even closer. Idk though we became closer but i also started feeling then that he wldnt or doesnt like me in that way. He wld chat with me but not as much as this other girl who was with us, she is genuinly so interesting and fun i dont even blame him for finding her interesting. He sometimes gives me attention and sometimes acts like i dont exist, idk if he does it purposely. One day he wilk ask me something personal and the next day he will not even talk to me. I just want to stop liking him because ik its just going to hurt me and do me no good. But theres a part of me that cant let go. I also fear that he knows i like him, i dont want to be the reason of his ego boost and neither do i want him to know if he doesnt like me back.
The loop of picking myslef apart and deciding im not good enough i feel started from my cca, i wld always get a lot of remarks about how im noy doing my job well, everybody got critisized but i took it to heart. That made me go into self doubt and not feel confident.
Now ive left the cca and he has too so i font see him or talk to him much but my feelings are still kind of there wether i like it or not.
Quite recently while seeing those around me i started feeling unsatisfied with my life too, i feel it is so boring and im not the type of person that is happy with it being boring. I started making a list of things i want to start doing in the holidays to make my life more fun and also stop thinking about him. I still have time for my holidays to start right now i have study week where i have to revise for my exam which is next week. I havent started revisng yet and i really have to do welk for my exam, but these thoughts of evrything, him, my life feeling unsatisfying all come up when i try to focus. Sometimes i feel im so weird for feeling so intensely about everything around me, i love my friends intensely, i need to talk to them everyday, i wish i was more self sufficient.
Idk how to stop all of this and go back to normal me.
Hey @relaxedradish7012, thank you for trusting this space with all of this! It takes a lot of courage to put so many tangled feelings to words, and you’ve done that really thoughtfully 
There seems to be a few different threads pulling you at the same time…the situation with the boy, a growing sense that you want more from your life, and now the pressure of exams! It makes complete sense that it feels overwhelming 
It’s honestly a lot for anyone to carry.
I’d like to gently reflect something back to you, okay? You described yourself as “weird” for feeling things so intensely, but I actually think that your capacity to feel deeply is not a flaw! It can feel like too much sometimes, esp when the feelings don’t have anywhere to go, but it also shows how much you care about the people and things in your life
The pattern you’ve noticed with this boy…the hot and cold, the uncertainty…all these sound genuinely confusing and tiring to sit with. It’s really hard to move on from someone when the signals keep shifting.
For now, with exams next week, what would feel most helpful to focus on?
If you’d like to speak to someone over the phone, you can always reach out to National Mindline 1771, okay? You can call them at 1771/whatsapp them at 66691771. They are available 24/7
Hey @relaxedradish7012,
Thank you for sharing something so personal on the platform. It sounds like you have a lot going on, from your thoughts and feelings of the boy, the pressure of wanting to improve, and the exams you’ll be facing next week. It certainly isn’t easy to deal with all of these things at once, and I wanted to commend you for hanging in there. It takes a lot of strength to do so, which you certainly have. From what I read, another amazing thing that you have is the self-awareness of the areas you want to improve on and your feelings, which I feel not many people have
I also hear that your confidence had dropped and you’re starting to have self-doubts about yourself. There may be times when you compare ourselves with others and let what others say affect us, which may cloud how we view ourselves. Perhaps when you have the time, you could try writing down some of your strengths and remind yourself about the qualities that you have.
For your situation with the boy, I think it’s understandable you’ll be confused and conflicted over how you feel and what to do. But I think focusing on your exams right now would be more important. If those feelings come when you’re focusing, maybe sitting with them and letting yourself feel them could help. But if they get too intense or overwhelming, you could distract yourself with something else, like using your phone. After your exams, you still have the time to reflect and think about what to do next.
Lastly, I think it’s also great that you have the resolve to want to do something to improve your life during the holidays. But remember to be kind to yourself, especially on days where you seem that you’re moving backwards instead of forward. Hope this helps and all the best for your exams 
I know i need to focus on studying for my exam but it feels so easy to get lost in thinking about other things around me haha. Im trying my best to do the right thing and ig i am in the cliche position that i shldnt compare myself to others, be kinder to myself etc but its quite difficult when i feel others around me are so much better. Oh well ill try my bestt thank you, i felt heard.