Hey @sugarcane2786,
Thank you for sharing this. As I was reading your post, it stood out to me how thoughtfully you’ve been reflecting on your own experience. I get the sense that part of you wants to move forward, while another part keeps getting pulled back by that familiar feeling of hopelessness.
I’m hearing that (and do let me know if I’ve misunderstood anything), on one hand, there’s a part of you that can recognise how depression has influenced the way you see yourself and your future. You can look back and notice moments where fear, self-doubt or hopelessness may have led you to hold yourself back, only to later regret not giving yourself more room to try.
On the other hand, there’s also a part of you that still feels deeply affected by the weight of living with depression for so long. Even though things are somewhat better than they were last year, the future still feels overwhelming, uncertain, and full of responsibilities that you don’t feel ready for. Those fears sound very real and are very much understandable.
Something else I noticed is that while you described feeling hopeless about the future, your post doesn’t read as someone who has completely given up. You’re thoughtfully reflecting on these patterns, noticing changes in yourself, and trying to make sense of the tension between wanting more from life and struggling to trust yourself enough to move towards it. To me, the fact that you’re reflecting on all of this tells me that some part of you is still searching for a way through, even if you haven’t found it yet. And that in itself speaks to your resilience! Just wanted to call that out. 
I also wonder whether living with persistent depression for such a long time can sometimes make it difficult to trust positive change. When hopelessness has been around for years, it can start to feel more familiar and believable than hope does. Even when things improve, there can sometimes be this lingering expectation that things will eventually go wrong again.
You mentioned that your psychologist has encouraged you not to focus too much on the future right now. If you feel comfortable sharing, I’m curious what that’s been like for you?
I also noticed the distinction you drew between where you are now, and where you were last year. It sounds like something has shifted a little, even if the future may still feel uncertain. I’m curious what that change has been like for you too. What do you think has contributed to that shift?
For now, perhaps there’s no need to decide what the rest of your life will look like. Maybe it’s enough to keep doing what you’ve already been doing, showing up for yourself, continuing the work with your psychologist, and allowing yourself to get through it a chapter at a time. The future may still feel intimidating, but it also sounds like you’re no longer standing in exactly the same place you were a year ago. Even if the changes may feel small, they matter. 